February 14: I need you!
Unlike certain people I cannot just call up the Chief of Army Staff to give me soldiers who will make sure my presidential hustle is secure. Sometimes I want to be Jonathan for a day. Just be Jonathan for the elections. That would have been awesome. It is not that I have not tried calling […]
Unlike certain people I cannot just call up the Chief of Army Staff to give me soldiers who will make sure my presidential hustle is secure. Sometimes I want to be Jonathan for a day. Just be Jonathan for the elections. That would have been awesome. It is not that I have not tried calling the Army chief. He doesn’t take my calls. And although someone gave me his BBM pin, he has refused to add me as a contact. He has not declined my request either. He just leaves my request pending. Don’t those kind of people just annoy you? Like those girls who you ask out and will tell you, “let me think about it” and then never get back to you. The Army chief should add me as a contact or decline my request.
I have even tried reaching out to Obanikoro who as Minister used to sit on the Military Council without whom no soldier could get a promotion. I hear he has access to a few generals who can ensure a landslide for me. But I teased him on Twitter after he lost the Lagos State PDP Governorship Primaries and he is not talking to me. I was only joking – I realize that his main campaign promise to stop Lagosians from defecating in public was great. Too bad he didn’t get the ticket. I just want to say this to him: “Obanikoro, there is nothing in this life. Reply my WhatsApp messages.”
So you see fellow Nigerians, we are on our own. No war room. No federal might. No soldiers. Just the force of my electoral promises and your ballots. Here are just a few points to refresh your minds about why you should vote for me and what I will do for you once I take over by the grace of God and your ballots.
1. I DO NOT EAT MEAT.
Yes. Believe it or not, I do not eat the flesh of mammals. You may be scratching your head (or weave), wondering, what’s meat got to do with it? Trust me, I have done all the research. Is there a single leader of ours, who started wars, looted our treasury, destroyed the economy, sold us to the World Bank, and imposed weak and corrupt successors on Nigerians who was not a flesh eater? Jonathan, under whom our foreign reserves have depleted and who could not bring back hundreds of our kidnapped citizens, is a flesh eater. I hear he likes goat meat. It has been proven time and again, that our stomachs are not built to handle meat. The violence involved in the killing of animals messes with your compassion and empathy.
ACTION: I will ban meat for all public office holders. The only type of animals that will be permissible to eat will be fish that die soon after they have been removed from water. In the case of cat-fish which survives long after leaving water, I will hold a referendum to decide if we should ban it too. But I suspect that will be hard. For me the middle ground would be finding a more humane way of killing them apart from bludgeoning them to death. That is the kind of violence that kills a person’s conscience and makes it easier to steal when you are a public officer.
2. I AM NOT MARRIED
And I will not marry. Again, be patient while I explain. Recently Channels Television wrote “President of Nigeria” when Jonathan’s wife Patience was speaking at a rally. People claim it was a mistake. But I know better. Did Obasanjo not write that we have 5 presidents in this country? Did he not name Patience Jonathan as one of them? Not that I trust Obasanjo that much. He is a flesh eater and even has a farm where chickens are raised just to be slaughtered by other flesh eaters. But many have claimed that Patience Jonathan is one of our co-presidents.
There are a few reasons why I will not marry. For one thing, having a wife opens you up to easy attacks from your political enemies. Any mistake she makes or kickback from contractors she collects, will be blamed on you. A wife is a soft target. Then again a wife can get ideas. She can start to control your Ministers and make them give her land and contracts. And you cannot publicly discipline or arrest your own wife. A spouse feels a sense of entitlement, and rightly so.
ACTION: At least as long as I am president, I will not marry. I will only have a girlfriend. And no, my girlfriend will not sleep over in Aso Rock. That is how one gets roped into marriage, to the detriment of a whole nation. God forbid that such a thing should happen.
I pray that God will grant you all the wisdom to use your ballots wisely. Become a pencil in the hands of God: allow Him to use you to bless my hustle come FeBuhari February 14, 2015. Remain blessed.