Five books for conjugal bliss
It’s that time of the year when wedding bells are ringing from coast to coast. Relations, friends, fans and foe are tying the nuptial knot and there is a frenzy of activities in preparation for the wedding. It is assumed that because they are in love with each other, the couple will automatically find happiness. […]
It’s that time of the year when wedding bells are ringing from coast to coast. Relations, friends, fans and foe are tying the nuptial knot and there is a frenzy of activities in preparation for the wedding. It is assumed that because they are in love with each other, the couple will automatically find happiness. It does not always follow. It requires some interesting mathematics to find happiness in a marriage. The girls are told to feed the man, to be patient and sometimes to be dumb in the face of extreme provocation (I think you should act smart and express yourself diplomatically). The boys are told to care for their new families, be stoic even if they need to talk to their wives about a problem (be brave) and to act very manly and keep it, tolerate no frivolities including the show of affection in public from their wives or to their wives. They are also expected to eat whatever she cooks without complain even if it tastes like chaff (By all means, I think you should complain but diplomatically or send her to cooking school diplomatically LOL.)
In the middle of all of this interesting scenario, people begin to doubt each other’s love; people begin to observe apartness between couples. So this collection is my contribution to marital bliss. May all new couples find it. It’s not momentary happiness at the wedding and for the first few weeks that counts. Its long lasting happiness.
Here are some books that would not only be a joy to read but also give you some perspective on what you are about getting yourselves into. They are also recommended for already married couples.
1) Understanding each other is key to a lasting marriage with happiness as a major plank. I never tire of recommending Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray. This is because the book enlightens us all about the psychological make-up of both men and women and understanding this brings you some clarity around issues of your husband not wanting to talk when you want to and the man not understanding how to manage the emotions of his wife.
2) Another book to help you with your understanding of each other is Why Men Can’t Listen And Women Can’t Read Maps by Alan and Barbara Pease.
It is hilarious but amazing in defining the many differences between men and women and why a man assumes his wife can find her way when actually she is completely lost. Recommended for all couples and aspiring couples.
3) Magazines and Newspapers that carry relationship columns, both international and local. This is because there are many stories, requests that mimic your challenges in your marriage or some challenges as you prepare for your wedding. You will be amazed how an answer from an Agony Aunt or life coach may help to solve your problems. And remember no two couples are the same, so don’t decide to use the all solutions fit all system. Take a bit from here and a bit from there and add it to your peculiar situation or your spouse’s peculiar character and then prepare to merge solutions to address your challenges.
4) Any book on effective communication will be extremely useful to conjugal bliss. As an expert in communication, I find that a lot of marriages are built on the deaf and dumb syndrome. These marriages with a little strain begin to crumble. From the beginning there was no openness, no communication. A couple must talk to each other and be prepared to listen to each other. Some women think they have the sole right of talking. Sometimes the quietest of men want to talk too. Speak about your issues, then give them a chance to listen and respond. I know how frustrating it is when you are speaking to your spouse and he acts as if he is not listening. Then you start the story all over again, then they tell you “I heard” when they looked like they were not paying attention. I still say to my spouse after over 30 years, “Please don’t read a newspaper when I am trying to tell you how upset someone has made me, your face is covered with the paper and I feel like I am speaking to the newspaper.”
My mum used to say talk is the eyes. It’s a bad habit men have and they have to quit it. Women like attention and if you are doing something while they are talking to you, they feel uncared for or not taken seriously. I do not know about other women, I certainly feel that way. Men, please, look at your wives when they are talking to you and women do not be long suffering and not say anything. Effective communication is so important in a marriage. If you do not like your wife/husband’s friend, do not be unfriendly or brutal about it. Be gentle, explain, guide, pull him/her out. Again my mum used to say, women are more discerning so we can tell a bad guy from a distance. Tell him nicely what you think and when he does not listen, back off, pray. When the bubble bursts, he will come running back to you; do not take your pound of flesh by yelling “Did I not tell you?” Gently receive him back and drop your advice calmly.
Be friends to each other, laugh a lot, be funny, laugh at yourselves. Talk to each other. Do not guess what the other is thinking. Read books on non-verbal communication and learn each other’s body language.
5) Read biographies of great men and women on how they managed their relationships and learn a thing or two about broken marriages, relationships that went sour, good relationships and learn to balance. There are many lessons to be learnt to avoid the same mistakes they made or how they overcame their challenges. No one ever gives you a bible on how to manage your marriage; every marriage is a learning curve. Some of these books will teach you to surround yourselves with good friends who are honest with you. Many marriages were broken by third parties. From the get go, cut out any friend who does not add value, is jealous or always complaining of your spouse.
BONUS BOOKS
· Read a romantic novel from time to time to remind you that you are still in love with your spouse and remind yourself of all the good reasons why you married him/her.
· Read travelogues. It’s important to get away from your home time to time to rekindle your love. New couples must always have a honeymoon. Spend days, months, planning your romantic spot/get away.
· Read wedding magazines. There is always something there for newlyweds, old couples and aspiring couples.