Five books to handle pain, meanness and betrayal

There is a lot of pain in the society today, most of it emotional but others are also physical. Today I have chosen to dwell mostly on emotional pain. You have been going out with someone for two years and they suddenly shut down, there was no fight or quarrel and the relationship you hoped […]

There is a lot of pain in the society today, most of it emotional but others are also physical. Today I have chosen to dwell mostly on emotional pain. You have been going out with someone for two years and they suddenly shut down, there was no fight or quarrel and the relationship you hoped will lead somewhere suddenly ends or you have had to be divorced suddenly because your spouse fell in love with someone else.

As a panellist at Foundation of Truth Assembly Real Talk for women last week, organised by the church, my conviction about how talk is such an underrated activity for community development was again validated. I am thankful to the church for the opportunity to share and just have a down time with women. There are people out there to hurt us and sometimes it is someone you love, someone you trust. The pain is deeper. You lost a job, you lost a family member. Loss can be very painful. There is also financial loss, someone scammed you out of money you worked so hard for or they cheated you of your hard earned share of a deal.

The pain is indescribable. Office bullying can be devastating or when you are being passed over for promotion and someone out there for no logical reason other than meanness has decided to put your juniors ahead of you at work in spite of how hard you work and what you bring to the table. Believe it or not, this has happened to me severally. In the mix is betrayal, people you trust who have said the meanest untrue things and who have carried out actions against you that are unbelievable. During politicking and elections and rewards, this can also be playing itself out majorly in order to get you out of the way for their own personal gains. It’s incredible what people can do.

But you know what God has destined for you cannot be taken away by mere mortals. Whatever you are going through this season, be confident that it won’t last forever and if you are honest and true and have no skeletons in your cupboard, chin up, it is going to be better. Someone else has gone through a worse situation and survived. Here are five books that help you to heal. They have always worked for me; I hope they do for you.

1. Music and Medicine, the history of music therapy since antiquity by Professor of medieval history Peregrine Horden. This is an amazing book which looks at how music has been used to heal over the years.  According to Anthony Storr, in reviewing the book, he concludes that “This is essential reading for all those who acknowledge that music brings both solace and exhilaration and has the power to make coherent sense of our wayward emotions.” Indeed, this book throws light on music as medicine, whether performed or heard and this has been seen as therapeutic in history in many cultures. I love music and I have been a true beneficiary of music as medicine. In the quiet of my room, I have listened and healed with the messages of Bob Marley, the sonorous voice of Osita Osadebe, the haunting voice of Asa, the melodious voice of Aretha Franklin, the soothing messages of Michael Franks and the rebellion of Fela. I am truly a child of music as medicine and you can be too. Go and watch a show. Tell yourself you will be alright. I just watched Legends, The Musical and all my seeming troubles took flight. Trust me, it works.

2. My Kitchen year, 136 recipes that saved my life by Ruth Reichl. In 2009, the author of this fabulous book was shocked to find the magazine she edited Gourmet was to be shut down and she found herself without a job.” I did what I always do when I am confused, lonely or frightened. I disappeared into my kitchen” Food is cathartic and as she wondered through her kitchen cooking for family and friends, each dish became a stepping stone to finding joy again. Cooking is healing through the supple pleasures of cooking. I love to cook and nothing heals a wounded heart like the laughter and chit chat of family and friends enjoying what you took time to prepare and even sometimes experiment on. The flavours, the joy, the gratitude and the compliments lift you to places you cannot imagine and your heart becomes full of laughter instead of sadness. In reviewing this book, Oprah magazine concluded that “If anyone can convince us that a desert plus two fabulous dishes can turn a crummy day around, it is culinary writer, Ruth Reichl, who knows first-hand how powerful food can be.”

3. We often think our kids are doing great in school or among their friends but as a caregiver and counsellor, I know that we live in fool’s paradise when we think like that. It is critical that we listen to what our kids are saying and what they are not saying, body language and many mood changes as well as change of character.  We must also learn to be available to our kids so they can talk to us. Kids hurt too and they lose their self-esteem if in trouble like this. I recommend the book, How to handle bullies, teachers and other Meanies. A book that takes the nuisance out of name calling and other nonsense. This is to help guide your children with 12 ways to manage horrible people in school and elsewhere. It tackles annoying name-calling, vicious prejudice, explosions of anger and causes of difficult behaviour, the author, Kate Cohen-Posey uses her years of experience to deliver this book. It teaches parents, teachers and the child themselves how to manage. How to put spiritual truths into action, exercises and role play for dealing with meanies and many other relevant thoughts to help the child including resilience. Children get hurt too. Let’s deal with our children before we bring up only monsters in this age of trolling on social media. If you have a bully as a child, fix it and if you have a child been bullied, manage it.

4. I have lived in books all my life so I recommend reading a good book when in emotional pain. This is not the time for serious heavy reading which can deepen your sadness. Read a light hearted book or a philosophical book. I have a four in one recommendation. Khalil Gibran for me always does it, The Prophet. Jeffrey Archer, Heads you win, Isabelle Allende’s Aphrodite and We are going to need more wine by actress, Gabrielle Union.

5. Read a spiritual book. The bible, the Quran. Books by the Dalai Lama and other calming books from Eastern and orthodox religions. The incredible book by Pope John Paul 11, Come let us be on our way.