For our eyes only
Abbati, whom MJ told me was ‘inexplicably in love with his wife’ asked his host casually ‘Was that Hauwa?’ referring to Babawo’s wife. But Babawo immediately retorted ‘Haba, did you ever see a man talking to his wife on phone and laughing?’ I laughed heartily at MJ’s anecdote but also asked him whether he agreed […]
Abbati, whom MJ told me was ‘inexplicably in love with his wife’ asked his host casually ‘Was that Hauwa?’ referring to Babawo’s wife. But Babawo immediately retorted ‘Haba, did you ever see a man talking to his wife on phone and laughing?’ I laughed heartily at MJ’s anecdote but also asked him whether he agreed with Babawo’s position. Being the consummate diplomat he can sometimes be, my boss MJ simply said ‘You know you women only call to say this or that thing has finished, or so-and-so is sick, or such-and-such a visitor has arrived.’ In other words, we wives say nothing amusing, interesting or sweet, just boring old stuff.
So what do men really want us to say when we call them, especially at work? Is there even a need to call and say ‘sweet nothings’ to someone who left you a few hours ago and is very likely to return and meet you in a few hours more? And do they even want to hear it from us, doesn’t it sound better to them coming from that non-wife channel? Being a concerned member of the Wives Club, I decided to ask a few men what their answers are to these questions. My findings are naturally for our eyes only.
Of the dozen married men who responded to my questionnaire, and whose marriage age range from 31 to two years, only one said his wife calls at work to ask how he is doing and whether he has eaten. This respondent who has been married for an amazing 30 years differs from the others who said their wives only call to ‘discuss problems’, ‘ask for permission to go somewhere’, ‘ask why I am late returning home’ ‘be reminded of my responsibilities’ and ‘ask for assistance or advice.’ The most interesting response was the one from the man who had been married 31 years. His response to the question ‘What does she call to talk about’ was simply ‘Wahala, something to do with money’. This response is followed closely by the one who said she only calls to say ‘Baby’s food or Pampers have finished or that I am late or some such troubling issues.’ He has been married for 13 years.
From the above we can see that there is some substance to Babawo’s claim that one can’t be talking on phone to his wife and be laughing. In addition to the subject matter of the call there is also the timing of it. If you only call ‘when there is crisis’, which is what my respondent who has been married 17 years said then it’s enough reason to make a man dread the call. My respondent who has been married 13 years said he is always ‘afraid that something is amiss at home’ whenever he sees his wife’s number calling. The one with 31 years said he feels anxious, ‘what is wrong now, what have I done again?’
How about those sweet nothings – how many wives bother to call and say them? Except for the man who had been married for only two years, no one had a simple ‘yes’ answer to this question. My respondent with five years marital experience said ‘When we first got married, she’ll call and say ‘I love you’ now it is only food and children.’ The one with 13 years said ‘No, not at all’ when asked whether she calls to say them. The 17-years-long husband said ‘just greetings, then complaints’ while the 31-year-long one said ‘Occasionally, but the intervals are getting longer’. The rest simply wrote ‘sometimes’ in response to whether sweet, loving words are said to them by their wives on phone.
However, because it takes two to tango, I turned to fellow women and asked why we don’t seem to say the right things when we call our men, especially at work. My friend Halima who has been married for over 20 years and has five children explains. ‘Look, we limit our calls to only emergencies and demands because they don’t even want our calls in the first place. Sometimes I know from the moment my husband picks my call that he can’t wait to put it down. He has this irritated voice that he reserves only for me. I say this because I have heard him responding nicely to others, especially our grown-up children, so I know it’s just me he doesn’t want to hear from. How can I call him to say anything sweet when it will only put him off?’ she asked rhetorically.
Another friend, Ramatu, doesn’t agree with her, though.’ My husband and I gist and laugh a lot on phone and we’ve been married over 20 years, too. I don’t think length of time has much to do with it. It all depends on the personalities involved and the nature of their relationship. You know some married couples are actually friends. Others are just husband and wife.’
Safiya, whose marriage is just a little over 10 years old, thinks it’s a waste of time to call and gist or joke with someone who just left you a few hours ago ‘when he’s probably trying to grapple with serious issues at work. I only call when absolutely necessary and then I make it as short as possible.’ But some of them seem to want to hear something nice and sweet to take the boredom off work, I insisted. But Safiya responded ‘I don’t think it’s true. And if they think it is, then why don’t they call us instead?’ I mean it shouldn’t matter who called first if the idea is to hear our voices and feel better.’
It is obvious that this is probably one of those men-women debates that can hardly produce instant winners. The Babawos of this world think wives are boring callers maybe because they are the types who keep female friends and prefer their company to that of their legitimate wives. With such men it is probably the case of the grass being always greener on someone else’s turf. Most likely the moment that interesting caller becomes wife, she will be dumped in the boring callers club. In the case of Halima’s husband who always sounds like he couldn’t wait to drop her call, it is probably that case of familiarity breeding contempt. He takes her so much for granted that even a decent phone conversation is considered above her reach. But according to most marriage-watchers, that’s the fate of a lot of women in long-lasting marriages.
This point reminds me of a joke sent to me by my learned big sister and friend Anti Pat. It says that at the beginning of their marriage, a man saved his wife’s name in his phone as Rayuwata (which means ‘my life’ in Hausa). By the following year he had changed it to Matata (‘my wife’). After two years he again changed it to Mai daki na, (another name for ‘my wife’ but which is considered a local variant by city folks). After five years her name was saved on the phone as Maman Yanbiyu (‘mother of twins’). By their 10th wedding anniversary her name had become Mai Koko (‘the one who makes pap’). If this isn’t what is known as the law of diminishing returns, I don’t know what is. So to all of us ‘Mai Kokos’ out there, I say may we end up with the Abbatis who are ‘inexplicably in love with their wives.’ Incidentally, why is it so inexplicable? I will have to get MJ for the answer to this.