Forgiveness in the Christian life (3)

We are aware that often when we decide to forgive we still struggle with painful memories and feelings. From this experience we learn that forgiveness is not only a simple act of will, but a process that takes time involving our memories and also our feelings. One of the factors that can make forgiveness difficult […]

We are aware that often when we decide to forgive we still struggle with painful memories and feelings. From this experience we learn that forgiveness is not only a simple act of will, but a process that takes time involving our memories and also our feelings. One of the factors that can make forgiveness difficult is our misunderstanding about the nature of forgiveness. We always hear the maxim which is often taken as a biblical teaching, “Forgive and forget.” To forget a serious hurt is not so easy. In fact, to forget is denial. Forgiving does not mean excusing the wrong or saying it does not matter. Things that don’t matter don’t need to be forgiven. A more accurate biblical injunction would be: “Remember and forgive.” Forgiveness says, “I know what you did. It hurt me. But I won’t hold it against you.”

Another obstacle to forgiveness is in thinking that to forgive one must be automatically reconciled with the offender. Forgiveness is distinct from reconciliation. Reconciliation requires repentance, but forgiveness does not. From the cross, Jesus forgave those who had not repented. The idea is that forgiveness would lead to reconciliation. Sometimes this is not always possible, and at other times it might not even be desirable. Instead, forgiveness on our part is the work we have to do with and for ourselves to be released from the anguish that binds us to the offender. This inner work does not depend on whether the offender acknowledges the offense, seeks reconciliation, or is still alive or not. This makes forgiveness an act of the will, an act of love.

After all the heinous crimes and atrocities of the twentieth century, the issue of how to deal with hurt, pain and conflict has moved beyond the sphere of religion and spirituality to the wider area of politics and psychology. Wars, conflicts, genocide and mass murder in different parts of the world have left in their wake huge debris of animosity and vengeance, which have sometimes given rise to further conflicts with unimaginable catastrophic consequences. At the personal and communal levels, many people still hold on to offenses and hurt caused to them by family members, friends, colleagues and neighbours. Even at the confessional, much of the issues penitents are dealing with bother on the issue of forgiving hurt caused them by a backstabbing colleague, an unfaithful partner, neglectful parents or the betrayal of a friend. 

Human beings often find it difficult to forgive. The impulse to go the way of vengeance still lurks in the hearts of many, stalling their capacity to rise above the blindness of revenge and embrace the ideals of peace, mercy and forgiveness. The philosophy of forgiveness is embedded in Judeo-Christian beliefs as the teachings of various faith traditions emphasize the benefits and importance of forgiving. Illustrations of the value of forgiveness are found within the sacred texts of most of the world’s religions. Jesus Christ spoke one of the most notable expressions of forgiveness during his crucifixion, “Father forgive them for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:35). From the Bhagavad Gita, “If you want to see the brave, look for those who can forgive.” And from The Buddha, “Hatred never ceases by hatred, but by love alone is healed. This is the ancient and eternal law.” 

Research on forgiveness is now a hot field of study in contemporary clinical psychology and it is also gaining attention as an academic discipline studied by psychologists, philosophers, physicians and theologians. In the United States, there is an International Forgiveness Institute attached to the University of Wisconsin. The John Templeton Foundation has a multimillion-dollar campaign initiative for Forgiveness Research. There are thousands of published studies, which show that research on forgiveness, along with other mind-body research, is encouraging a fundamental shift away from treatment of disease to focusing on the positive aspects of human nature as a basis for healing. Clinical psychology has discovered that forgiveness has therapeutic and healing effects in the person who learns to forgive hurts and offenses. 

In his book, No Future Without Forgiveness, South African Anglican Archbishop and Nobel Peace Prize winner, Desmond Tutu clarifies the place of forgiveness in rebuilding broken human relationships across political and social frontiers. He argues that true reconciliation cannot be achieved by denying the past. After devastating social catastrophes, many people commonly say that people should “Forgive and forget” or “Let bygones be bygones.” This is easier said than done. Our common human experience, Tutu argues, shows that “the past far from disappearing or lying down and being quiet, has an embarrassing and persistent way of returning and haunting us unless it has in fact been dealt with adequately. Unless we look the beast in the eye we find it has an uncanny habit of returning to hold us hostage.” 

Philosopher Joanna North defines forgiveness as “the overcoming of negative affection and judgment toward the offender, not by denying the right to such affection and judgment, but by endeavouring to view the offender with compassion, benevolence, and love while recognizing that he or she has abandoned the right to them.” Similarly, Psychologist Robert Enright and the Human Development Study Group, pioneers of the scientific study of forgiveness, define forgiveness as, “a willingness to abandon one’s right to resentment, negative judgment, and indifferent behaviour toward one who unjustly injured us, while fostering the undeserved qualities of compassion, generosity, and even love toward him or her.” Forgiveness is an intentional action, and it involves more than a refusal to retaliate or even more the avoidance of or a neutral stance toward the perpetrator.

Forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you might always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, more positive parts of your life. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you deny the other person’s responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn’t minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.

One promising new area of psychological therapy is forgiveness. New research shows that ongoing resentment has been discovered to lead to depression, anxiety and other negative psychological outcomes, while forgiveness is said to have a general effect on emotional regulation, reducing anxiety and depression while also increasing self-esteem and healthy (practical and moral) decision-making. In study after study, results indicate that people who are forgiving tend to have not only less stress but also better relationships, fewer general health problems and lower incidences of the most serious illnesses – including depression, heart disease, stroke and cancer. Not forgiving – nursing a grudge – raises one’s blood pressure, depletes immune function and makes one depressed, causing enormous physical stress to the whole body.

Without the readiness to forgive, the one who is hurt suffers the most. The Buddha once said, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” Another renowned sage said that, “Holding a grudge against another is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” By embracing forgiveness, the hurt person also embraces peace, hope, gratitude and joy. These are experiences that can lead down the path of physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing. A person who is unforgiving becomes so wrapped up in the wrong that he is unable to enjoy the present moment because he remains stuck in the past; he feels that his life lacks meaning or purpose; he loses valuable and enriching connectedness with others and brings anger and bitterness into every relationship. 

Forgiveness can be challenging, especially if the person who has hurt you does not admit wrong or does not speak of his or her sorrows. However, it is important to note that getting another person to change his or her actions, behaviour or words is not the point of forgiveness. We ought to think more of forgiveness as something that changes our life, and not the life of the other. The one who forgives experiences peace of mind, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. Jesus Christ already presented this as a possibility: “With God all things are possible” (Mt 19:26).

Father Ojeifo is a priest of the Catholic Archdiocese of Abuja.