Forgiving your spouse

Experts on family issues keep outlining what they feel as the causes of instability in our homes and come up with what according to them is the possible solution, yet, the problems obstinately keep defying the solutions.Malam Nasir Abdullahi Umar, an expert on mediation between spouses, outlined 10 problems which according to him are some […]

Experts on family issues keep outlining what they feel as the causes of instability in our homes and come up with what according to them is the possible solution, yet, the problems obstinately keep defying the solutions.
Malam Nasir Abdullahi Umar, an expert on mediation between spouses, outlined 10 problems which according to him are some of the causes of instability in matrimonial homes. The five which are from women according to him are impatience, lack of contentment, not knowing how to talk to a husband, angry over flimsy things, not knowing how to pet a husband. Expatiating on it, Umar said, “When a woman fails to control her anger; always angry over issues and is not contented with what her husband is giving her, she is bound to have problem with him. So also the man, if a man fails to create a time for his family; that is a time when they will sit and chat, and is too harsh on his wife, he will definitely have problems in his house,” he said.
Another thing that will be a problem to a husband according to Umar is his inability or failure to shoulder responsibility and always trying to find fault with his wife, “Men that have no time for their wives and are unable to shoulder family responsibility will definitely have problem sustaining their marriage and also the one that is witch-hunting his wife; trying to find fault with her. These kind of men will be having an unstable family life.”
Malam Salisu Ali Gwale, another expert on mediation among couples, said based on his personal experience with couples, the complain women are making against their husbands most of the time include injustice among co-wives, failure to shoulder responsibility and depriving them their time to sit and chat
To Malam Usman Unguwar Rimi said jealousy on the part of the women, nagging, parents’ interference, disunity among co-wives and relationship with husband’s parents and relatives are some of the causes of instability between couples.
We can continue to list those things presumed to be the causes of bitter marital life without exhausting them but the question is, what is the panacea? Sometimes when the problem becomes unbearable, couples resort to divorce, but is divorce the best solution?
Malam Ali Gwale said divorce is not the best solution, “The best way is discussing the problem and whoever is at fault should accept and apologize to the other. Whoever is offended should accept the apology and bury the issue once and for all. We are all disobeying God and He keeps forgiving us, so why not us.”
He added that, “Taking a second wife as a punitive measure is not solving the problem also. He has to exhaust all ways to reconciles with his wife; it is only when all means are exhausted and the problems persist that if he takes another wife, he will succeed.”
Usman Unguwar Rimi underscored the importance of couples’ guardians.
He noted that those that acted as guardians to the couple during marriage have an important role to play in preserving the marriage, “It is unfortunate that the importance of guardians is underrated in mediating between couples. For a guardian that acted in giving or receiving a bride, it behooves him to be monitoring his wards’ life so that he can easily intervene where there is problem,” he said.
Hajiya Jummai Garba, a civil servant, opined that the best way to resolve marital problems is by forgiving and forgetting, “First and foremost, we must bear in mind that agreeing to live as spouses is synonymous to agreeing to agree and disagree. The whole of marital life is about agreeing or disagreeing and it is how best such disparity is addressed that the marriage is sustained”
“Arrogance and refusing to forgive or apologize are attributes that can easily lead to the dissolution of marriage. Arrogance from either the man or woman can destroy marriage easily because it is arrogance that will stop a spouse from apologizing to the other or forgiving an offence done to him or her,” she said.
Hajiya Jummai further observed that the joy of a marital life lies in forgiveness, “Bitter as it may seem sometimes, forgiving is the joy of a marital life. It is not easy to forgive all the time but when couples adopt it as a means of resolving conflicts, they will have a solid matrimonial home.”
She gave herself as a case study, “There was a time when my husband did something distasteful to me and I felt so bitter about it that for months I could stare at his face. I was living in persistent pain and the mere thought of him puts me in agony. I was living in this condition with him then I realized that I was the one suffering. I tried hard to forget but in vain. What I did then was to seek for divine intervention. I prayed to God to give me the power to forgive and forget.”
Because of the sincerity with which I prayed to God, the pain began to subside in my mind. The urge to forgive began to manifest in my heart and in no time I resumed some of the things I stopped doing to him because of that bitterness. Now I not only forgive him but rekindled the love and respect I had for him.”
Now enjoying a happy life, Hajiya said she could only thank God for His intervention, saying if she were left on her own, she wouldn’t have got the joy. Thus her advice to couples going through pains as a result of marital life is to seek for God’s assistance so that they could live a happy life. She said both the men and the women could resort to this because if they are sincere in their minds, God would remove their pains and fill their lives with happiness.