Happy New Year 2020?

It’s the first day of the New Year 2020. But if I say there’s nothing potentially mirthful about the New Year, most of you would stop reading, and resort to your usual incantations rejecting it. So, happy New Year to you all! After all, it’s just a wish and if I had a kobo for […]

It’s the first day of the New Year 2020. But if I say there’s nothing potentially mirthful about the New Year, most of you would stop reading, and resort to your usual incantations rejecting it. So, happy New Year to you all! After all, it’s just a wish and if I had a kobo for the many unfulfilled wishes in Nigeria, I’d be richer than Aliko Dangote.

I love the fact that most Nigerians are people of faith. Without faith it is impossible to be a Nigerian. For Nigerians must first believe that God is on their side the neighbour is the devil. After all, the politicians they elected or that are imposed on them have no time for them.

That is why you would never convince a Nigerian not to abandon hope; everyone is waiting for his or her chance to cheat the system into their promised land. We are the only rich country whose best times are behind us. Our elders regale us with stories of how beautiful Nigeria was when Mungo Park first discovered the River Niger where their forebears drank, fished and bathed before Park’s forebears migrated like egrets to Europe.

Whenever those who enjoyed the halcyon post-independence era post their university lunch tickets, they fill us with nostalgia. We wish we could return there! When they display the Nigeria Airways ticket that took them to their first London visit (without visa), we wish Buhari could return us to 1985 and leave us there to find our way.

It’s the first day of 2020 and nothing has changed. Buhari is still our president. Most of the governors who couldn’t pay staff salaries have ‘won’ re-election in contests that took lives, but if you met a Nigerian today and didn’t say – happy New Year, be assured that you have just made the enemy list of the next decade.

So, what is going to change in 2020? Well, a lot and don’t bother reading the predictions of the prophets who tell you that prominent people would die. None of us would get out of here alive. Suffering would change address in a few homes while some of those that thought they had levitated beyond penury would kiss the laws of gravity.

In 2020, it is still written that those who are destined that some would die in cattle rustling raids because we can’t ranch without rancour. Some would be kidnapped, sending their pauperized siblings deeper into debts. Insecurity would increase, because our rulers have fortified themselves and left the rest to utter vulnerability. That way, if they succeed in foiling one robbery, we’ll be clapping and dancing.

Our national and external debts would keep skyrocketing. Seventy percent of what we borrowed to finance would fill people’s pockets. We’ll jump and prance if the remaining 30% goes to what it was meant. But not to worry, we are fighting corruption. If that is cause for happiness – then happy New Year!

If you are a contractor listed to benefit from the N37 billion NASS building renovation – well, happy New Year. If you are a member of NASS who rubber stamped the budget but now wail about its application, happy New Year of politicking!

Boko Haram insurgency is melting the technicality of its defeat. They recently executed a dozen or so captives most of who are ‘Christians’. Our president has asked us not to let the bloodhounds divide us along religious lines as if we have enjoyed the most harmonious ethno-religious entente in the world. If your area is not yet overrun by the insurgents – well, happy New Year!

The kidnappers who made the Abuja-Kaduna road a no-ply zone for even army generals have shifted base to the Abuja-Lokoja road. But shhhh! Do not say I told you, what you don’t know may neither bless nor hurt you. Government would find ad-hoc palliatives to take the news off the radar. So – happy New Year!

January is such a bad month that some call it the 13th month of the year. Nigerians are not immune to the global frenzy of Yuletide debt piling. They know that school fees would be paid, but at Christmas, they push that behind their minds in the shopping passion. Finally, the January we postponed is here with its – happy New Year bills, if you’ve found a way to pay – happy New Year!

The rest of you, go and take your happiness from the pastors who create lofty amulets of catchphrases to describe the year and sell the stickers to be pasted on your doorsills and cars while they are guarded by gun-totting security. Get your new year cheer from the Imams who endorse your oppressor ruiners because they show up at Juma’at prayers. Get your happy wishes from the herbalists who promise you a personalized minting company if you could bring in unique human parts or your girlfriend’s pant. Get your goodwill charm from those who recommend verses of scripture to guarantee your safety and security from the problems imposed by bad and clueless leadership.

Whatever you do, remember that in the year 2020, there would still be seven days in a week, twenty four hours in a day, 52 weeks for the year. Blow your balloon of hope with caution, because time bursts all bubbles.