Have your own friends different from your partner’s

Keeping old friendships intact when going into a new relationship is a problem many people grapple with. Some find it very easy to let go of their friends so that they can focus on their relationship. For some of such people, focusing on their relationship and making it work also includes becoming friends with the […]

Keeping old friendships intact when going into a new relationship is a problem many people grapple with. Some find it very easy to let go of their friends so that they can focus on their relationship. For some of such people, focusing on their relationship and making it work also includes becoming friends with the friends of their partners.
There may be old friends you would need to drop when you go into a new relationship, but this should be a decision you make on your own, because it is the right thing for you to do at that point in time.
One of the ways we lose our individuality as an entity in a new relationship is dumping our old friends to cling on to those of our partners. That you are in a relationship doesn’t mean you should lose yourself.
Nwanne Apugo, a Materials Engineer said it is important for partners to respect each other’s history and orientation. “You most likely have grown up in a different location and environment from your partner. You may also have attended different schools and have ended up in different professions. How do you cope if you throw away such friends in the name of being in a relationship? What kind of conversations will you be having?”
The 35-year-old adds: “In trying to keep everyone satisfied you may find yourself taking your partner to events that your friends organise. Not that this is a bad thing but it should be done with moderation. If you do not have to go together as couple, then don’t.”
An uncomfortable situation some couples find themselves in when they go out is feeling left out when conversations are ongoing and they not being able to contribute or when they misinterpret some of the things said.
Eric Marshall says: “Sometimes conversations have to be doctored in order not to offend a visiting partner who may not be used to the way and manner in which old friends talk and behave. This gives you the opportunity to be yourself in ways you may not be if your partner were around.” He emphasises that: “It also allows your friends the comfort to be themselves and enjoy the outing.”
InuwaIdris says this makes breakups very difficult even when they are necessary. The hotelier adds that: “You have friends of your partner in your face talking to you and trying to give you a million and one reasons why you should stay. Most times these reasons are based on their emotions rather than objective and what is best for you two as individuals.”
The 40-year-old says: “Also, when you have issues, you find that you are talking to the same set of people. You are not sure what goes back to be said to your partner and how it is said. You don’t know who has your back and who is against you.
“If you both had your own set of friends I believe the views would be different and much more objective. That way, you’ll be better advised and better able to make the right decisions.”
Zaytun Ali believes that: “Some of us ladies think it’s a cool thing to do when we fall in love. I think it’s one of the ‘stupidest’ things we do in the name of love.
“Sometimes your partner may demand that you give up your friends as soon as the relationship gets serious. Some don’t even wait for it to get serious. Their demand for you to leave your old friends is a prerequisite for being in the relationship in the first place.
“Your friends are the ones who may notice the irregularities in your partner that you have overlooked or noticed and made excuses for. Many have been saved from otherwise disastrous relationships because their friends made such observations and made them walk away from the relationship.”
The mother of one added: “In down times in your relationship you want your trusted friends around. You may find them in your partner’s friends but this not the case generally. One of the best things about friends is their ability to support you mentally and emotionally. It helps relationships a great deal when you have this kind of support system readily available.”
Corinne Frontierosays in an article entitled: “Relationship rights: having friends outside the relationship is healthy,” one of the requirements for a healthy relationship is that the parties be able to still maintain “other friends outside the marriage.”
Research further substantiates the fact that having friends outside your partnership is not only okay, but the outside relationship can also act as a “counter balance”, for gender issues when you, yourself, are in conflict with your significant other thereby reducing potential conflict.
There are other advantages of maintaining friends through your marriage. Angela Diggs, a writer for Helium, in her article: “Why maintaining close friends is important to a marriage,” confirms this in her poignant statement about having members of the opposite sex as friends: “Maintaining close friends is important to a marriage because it helps a person remain rooted in who they are.”
No matter how carried away you are in your relationship never forget that we need to maintain our friends especially when they’ve been faithful to the friendship. When the chips are down, they are the ones who will keep us firmly grounded and help us pull through.