Help! Canadians are taunting me

I have been avoiding Canadian public transport and watering holes since 43-year old Justin Trudeau was elected prime minister last Monday. Things got worse when some Naija abroad posted pictures of the triumphant Trudeau in an infantile handshake with General Gowon. Everywhere I go, I perceive the taunting eyes of most Canadians. In their smiles […]

I have been avoiding Canadian public transport and watering holes since 43-year old Justin Trudeau was elected prime minister last Monday. Things got worse when some Naija abroad posted pictures of the triumphant Trudeau in an infantile handshake with General Gowon. Everywhere I go, I perceive the taunting eyes of most Canadians. In their smiles were written disrespect for other people’s choices; the wonder that a nation of 170 million could redraft a 70-year old man from retirement instead of a young stud.
Their curious stares seem to ponder that while they chose a 43 year old to replace a 56 year old, we chose a 71-year old to replace a 56 year old. As Trudeau announced that he would name his cabinet as soon as he takes the oath on November 4, Canadians make me queasy about Sai Baba not having a cabinet four months after inauguration. This too is vexatious and taunting. They run a parliamentary system of government, which reduces the chances of a non-elected member of parliament being appointed minister. This is where I laugh at Canadian losers – in Naija; political office seekers are a lucky breed. A win is unimpeded ticket to the treasury while a loss returns them to the godfather who nominates them for a ministerial, commissioner or special adviser position. They avoid the kind of shame that usually goes with being the loser in electoral enterprise.
Naija-Canadians robbed salt on injury by unearthing the picture of toddler Trudeau shaking the hands of General Gowon. At the time Trudeau was shaking hands, his father was probably over 50 while Gowon was in his thirties. There is something about reversing roles that these taunting Canadians know nothing about. We have youthful looks too; they leave a sour taste in the mouth. It would appear that our younger people have a penchant for the variegated meaning of corruption alluded to by our own Rt. Hon Rotimi Chibuike Amaechi at his screening.
Amaechi looks younger than 50 but depending on whom you ask; he is either a saint or a sinner, which is why his screening took many twists and turns. The ebullient Raji Babatunde Fashola, formerly of Alausa is 53 and stands like a basketball star. The wicked tried to tarnish his image with website contracts and boreholes that cost a fortune but they forgot an important thing – governors don’t sign cheques.
By the way, I tell Canadians that if Trudeau ever talks to me, he should call me ‘egbon’ because I was already lining up  to see Gowon’s convoy when he was born in 1971. I just thought I should mention it, in case his PA is reading. So, I tell these provocative Canadians that they have nothing on us Africans generally. As a matter of fact, I believe that the western world is guilty of plagiarism on the score of reversing roles. How could Canadians look me in the eye and snigger just because they have given a cutie who happened to be the son of a two-time prime minister their mandate?
We Africans are experts at rewarding loyal sons of benign dictators. In Congo, we found Joseph Kabila and with holy oil anointed him for the throne so unceremoniously vacated by his father Laurent Desire. We coronated Faure Gnassingbe to mount the saddle left by his father’s untimely death just nearly 30 years in office. We are that loyal to gerontocrats until Americans prevented it in Libya and blocked it in Egypt. Yahya Jammeh’s got a long way to go and it is an accomplished fact that Teodoro Nguema would take the throne of his father Teodoro Obiang-Nguema Mbasogo. Watch out Canada, we are coming.
On a smaller scale, Naija is never ungrateful; we know what it means for thunder to strike twice. We pulled out the Wizard of Ota from prison and crowned him president for two terms and but for the evil machinations of the wicked who truncated his third term, we would have been giving Mugabe a run for his wit. Now, we have Sai Baba, a man who last ruled when teachers used chalk on blackboard and he we know that he would build us a digital Naija – the envy of President Jones’ Facebook, insha Allah.
From arid Yobe, we are grooming a dynasty – one in which a husband is three times governor, his wife is commissioner; then the governor retires and became a sinnator; his wife retires into the house of rebels. On screening day sinnate president called her husband to clear her nomination on the floor and the loving husband asked her to bow and go. It’s hard to see people reward excellence this way, especially since Yobe is a such a shinning example of the transformation that is possible with prudent resource management. This minister-designate was born with a silver spoon in her mouth – the granddaughter of a revered first republic minister? So, dear Canadians, stop sniggering, we will surpass you, in reverse oddity.