Her mother’s daughter

I mostly accompany Tahir on such visits to our uncles, aunts, parents’ best friends etc, but the one I try hard not to miss is the visit to Alhaji Mati. He is my favourite recipient of kudin siga. Today, however, he is different. He is certainly not his usual jovial self.He seems distant and even […]

I mostly accompany Tahir on such visits to our uncles, aunts, parents’ best friends etc, but the one I try hard not to miss is the visit to Alhaji Mati. He is my favourite recipient of kudin siga. Today, however, he is different. He is certainly not his usual jovial self.
He seems distant and even disturbed when he answered our greetings and asked about our children. Tahir must have sensed it too because the next thing he said was.
‘Are you alright Alhaji?’
‘Yes I am.’ He replied.
‘You sound a bit under the weather, like someone who has been ill.’
Tahir observed.
‘No, I’m alright but as the saying goes, ‘it’s not every day that one sleeps on a bed.’ Maybe I slept on a dry mat last night.’ Alhaji Mati joked, showing a bit of his old humorous self.
‘Yes that is true. Where is Muhammad?’ Tahir asked, suddenly realizing that our host’s first son wasn’t there to greet us as usual.
‘Oh he just left for his room. But not before I told him my readiness to disown him any moment from now.’ Alhaji replied angrily.
‘Your readiness to disown him?’ Tahir asked incredulously. ‘How could you even contemplate such a thing? I thought Muhammad was an exemplary youth?’ He added.
‘Well that’s what I thought too until he proved me wrong. I have such high hopes in him because he was my first male child coming after several females. And I paid special attention to his character and educational training. But after all my dreams and aspirations for him, he has turned out to be nothing but a disappointment.’ Alhaji concluded.
‘But what did he do? I thought he had graduated from the polytechnic successfully and got himself a job in town? The last time we came here he happily showed me his appointment letter. What did he do now to get you so angry?’ Tahir asked.
‘For two years they’ve been telling me that he is courting a girl from down the street. I didn’t give it much thought because I believe that if he is ready to settle down he will come and tell me so himself. I wasn’t wrong. When he finally decided to marry her, he came and told me that he had found his future wife. I was very happy to hear that because I know a lot of young men don’t even think about marriage so soon after graduation. But what he had to tell me completely wiped the smile off my face. He told me that the girl he wants for his future wife grew up without a father. Apparently her father died since she was 13 years old, about ten years ago. And in all this time her mother never re-married nor did she allow her and her siblings to go and live with their uncles. In a nutshell they were all brought up by an unmarried woman. How can Muhammad tell me he has found a wife in someone like that? So I just told him that I will never consent to him marrying a woman brought up by another woman, without a male influence. Muhammad argued all he could but I told him no way. Then I threatened that if he insisted I will disown him over this. So he got angry and stormed out of here just before you came.’ Alhaji explained.
‘But did you hear anything bad about the mother? Does she have a bad reputation?’ Tahir asked cautiously.
‘Do I need to hear anything apart from what I already heard? I told you the woman never remarried since her husband’s death and that she singlehandedly brought her children up rather than surrender them to their uncles who would have ensured their proper upbringing. Isn’t that bad enough?’ he demanded.
‘Frankly it isn’t Alhaji. If all this widow did was to bring her children up alone without the help of a man, then there’s nothing there to castigate her about. In fact if they are good young women of sound character then she deserves nothing but applause for doing it all on her own.’ Tahir argued.
‘But what do you think she achieved all on her own? Bringing the girls up in her image? A girl who was brought up without a father is her mother’s daughter, period. She will only do things the way her mother did them. She will inherit all of her mother’s character flaws and the man who marries her will be the one to pay for her flawed upbringing.
I don’t want Muhammad to suffer or to regret his choice of a life partner.’ Alhaji Mati declared.
‘But with all due respect Alhaji I don’t think a widow’s refusal to marry is a sign of immorality.’ I chipped in carefully. ‘She might have resisted the urge to remarry out of concern for the children.
Some husbands can be so demanding that they will leave her no time to care for her children. Some might welcome both her and her children into their homes but end up as wicked stepfathers, maltreating those kids. Then there is the possibility that no one offered to marry her in all this time because they are afraid of taking responsibility for another person’s orphans. There are any number of reasons for her remaining single all this while, just as there are many others for her refusal to hand the children over to their uncles. Who knows, may be the uncles were not interested in helping out, or they are weighed down by their own personal problems they won’t have time to mind her children the right way. No one can ever take care of children better than their mother. And any mother who hands her children over to others knows she is mortgaging their future, they will either be brought up well to be productive members of the society or be badly brought up and end up as social outcasts. This is why most women these days choose to make the sacrifice of staying single after divorce or widowhood to ensure their children’s proper upbringing.’ I argued.
‘I’m not surprised you are talking this way Hajiya Bint’ Alhaji said in response. ‘You can only see things from a woman’s point of view. We men know differently and that is why we keep away from women who are brought up by fellow women.’ He asserted.
‘Unfortunately I also think differently from you on this issue Alhaji.
Unless this lady and her daughters have given you a reason to doubt their character and religious values, you have no reason to object to Muhammad’s choice. Your prejudices have no basis in Islam, in fact what Rasulillah SAW said regarding a widow who suffered to bring up her children alone is that she will be raised alongside him on the day of judgement. Anyone who enjoys the companionship of Prophet Muhammad SAW in the next world is indeed saved. So please allow my little brother to marry the woman of his choice, so long as you do not hear something really bad about her and her family.’ Tahir advised.
‘Are you trying to force your opinions on me just because you have brought me kudin siga? Ok take your money and go but don’t expect me to do as you said.’ Alhaji threatened.
‘No Alhaji I am not trying to force anything on you. I am just suggesting a way forward because Muhammad will never agree to lose this girl, from what you’ve said. And rather than cause an unnecessary rift between you and your favourite son, why don’t we do what our religion demands, that we must do a thorough check on any girl and boy wishing to get married so as to avoid certain diseases and also prevent marriage to people with bad character? Please once this is done and we are all assured that this orphan girl is of good character let them get married and pray for the best for them.’ Tahir appealed.
‘Ok, I will do as you said but if I were to find any stain on their character or family history then my son will have to find another
wife.’ Alhaji insisted.
‘That’s fair enough’ Tahir assured his father’s friend. By the time we
rose to leave I wasn’t sure he was my favourite kudin siga recipient
anymore.