His Excellency took a new wife

There’s infectious excitement in the air. – Is there? – Yes of course. – I’m glad to hear that. Good news has become an essential commodity in this country of ours. So, any good news is good news. – Statements like that expose those who have been missing church services. Anyhow, I’m speaking of the […]

There’s infectious excitement in the air.

– Is there?

– Yes of course.

– I’m glad to hear that. Good news has become an essential commodity in this country of ours. So, any good news is good news.

– Statements like that expose those who have been missing church services. Anyhow, I’m speaking of the new governors taking oath.

– Yes, it’s that time in the political calendar when people’s balloon of optimism is reflated by governance vulcanizers.

– Fifteen old governors renewed their vows while 10 are making a fresh start.

–  No problems whatsoever.

– Well, not immediately, but as they settle down, there would be.

– Oh, why?

– Well, the usual stories – empty treasuries, huge debt profile, re-examination of last-minute spending and last minute appointments and promotions. For now the new brooms and fresh umbrellas are doing well.

– Oh really?

– Yes now. One would be donating his salary to the orphanage; another has pledged his to pensioners.

– Wow, very generous people those ones – and I bet they are new ones.

– Absolutely.

– They’re donating what they have not even earned.

– Yes – that’s altruism.

– Smart Alecs hiding the meat in their mouths while blaming the esophagus.

– Two of the new governors have truly started well.

– Oh, really?

– Yes.

– Paying the backlog of salaries and pensions?

– That too, but something even more important.

– Paving roads; providing potable water to communities; making sure those kidnappers, armed robbers and ritualists have no space to operate.

–  Well, all those are important too but…

– Oh, I know it! They’re building state of the art hospitals and providing jobs for the army of jobless youths they recruited as thugs during their campaign.

– W-e-l-l-…

– No, I missed it – they paid huge allowances to their predecessors.

– Predecessors make sure they’re not owed. You’ll never see ex-governors on the pension queue.

– So these two governors you mentioned have cleared the backlog of pensioners dues.

– You’ve forgotten that charity begins at home.

– Oh, okay – they hit the ground running with a list of members of their new cabinet. Oh, I see they’ve passed budgets before the assembly is inaugurated or they are recruiting trained teachers and sending the old ones on refreshers…or what could be more important than these things.

– Thanks for letting me sneak a word in. One governor has relieved his tired wife of her tiring wifely duties.

– He divorced her?

– Noooo, he is a benevolent husband. He wouldn’t do any such horrible thing.

– So he hired Korean cooks to help in the kitchen?

– Calm down. The governor has taken a new wife!

– Osanobua! I see! The old wife is too old; she was complaining about how boring the job of a first lady would be; she didn’t like the limelight that comes with being a governor’s wife. Or loud sirens give her tinnitus.

– None of the above. He married his predecessor’s daughter.

– Wow that should reduce rancour! Whoever investigated his in-law?

– He is not alone o.

– Yes, misogynous ingratitude loves company.

– The second ango complained that the older wife, the backbone of his successful campaign does not speak turanci.

– Oh I see. So, the old wife who massaged him through the tedious travel on potholed roads was suitable for mobilizing half the voters but suddenly not suitable for the role of First Lady.

– Well, she’ll still be doing the massage.

– When it’s her turn, right?

– The new First Lady to be is in Saudi Arabia.

–  Okay, performing the lesser hajj.

– Not really, studying.

– Studying how to be a good First Lady.

– Well, she may add that to her curriculum.

– Lucky state, now they’ll have to pay to bring back their First Lady. Men! Why are we like this?

– It’s unfair to generalize. Who knows what would happen if women were elected governors – maybe they’d pick dainty boy toys with oyinbo accent.

– Two-minutes-noodle-men.

– You mean, forty-five seconds men.

– Okay, apologies to those who eat noodles. Would these guys be good governors?

– Well…

– A man who thinks the best way to reward a loyal wife is to retire her is not a good governance material in my book.

– They were acting within their religious rights.

– Of course they were. When good judgment fails – seek succor in religion.

– It’s a lesson for women to improve themselves educationally.

– As if that ever helped anyone.

– So, what have the other governors been doing?

– Making promises they could hardly keep.

– Like all politricians.

– Like all politricians. One is building a new airport.

– To accommodate his pastor’s new jet?

– No, he is not a church person.

– Oh, he is buying a new jet?

– Perhaps. Laying the foundation for his first 100 days maybe.

– Clever guys. Free house, free vehicles with free gas and driver. Free food, with free cooks, huge security votes, control of state treasury, chief dispenser of state patronage…my guy, salary is needless.

– I didn’t think it that way.

– Nor did the people praising their fake altruism.