How burdensome is it keeping another’s secrets?

Many people find it difficult to bottle up things inside them. “When I do, it feels like I’m being eaten up from within,” says Zira Yahaya. “I usually need someone to talk to and unload my burdens. That way I feel lighter and better,” addsthe mother of two who lives in Zaria.Generally, before anybody opensthemselves […]

Many people find it difficult to bottle up things inside them. “When I do, it feels like I’m being eaten up from within,” says Zira Yahaya. “I usually need someone to talk to and unload my burdens. That way I feel lighter and better,” addsthe mother of two who lives in Zaria.
Generally, before anybody opensthemselves up to tell someone else their secrets, they must have trust in such a person. They would have confidence that their secrets would be safe and whatever advice they receive would be given in all sincerity.
“Lending your ears when someone unburdens their worries and secrets to you, feels like a privilege,” notes Anu Awosika.
However, the 34-year-old Laboratory Technician, adds: “But then, when one pauses and takes a second look at this responsibility, you’ll discover that it isn’t as easy as it looks on the surface. Some of the secrets you are obliged to keep can be very scandalous and demand in-depth attention not just to stop at one person’s ear. There are situations where such secrets have become such a burden that the secret-bearers have had to spill the beans.”
Guarding people’s secrets isn’t necessarily a thing of ability. As human beings, there are times when our strengths fail us and one such time could be when a secret becomes too much for you to bear. Alusa Yakubu suggests that nobody should be anybody’s custodian of secrets. “I think the best thing is for when someone proposes to tell you a secret, you tell him not to bother and direct him somewhere else.”
The 40-year-old automobile mechanic adds that: “curiousity could get the better of us and we end up hearing much more than we bargained for and that becomes a problem to contend with.”
Keeping others’ secrets as well as ours could take its toll on us by affecting not only our psychological well-being, but our physical health as well.
“It’s not easy to keep things that concern you to yourself, let alone add those of others to the load,” said Malachi Ayuba.
He shares his experience: “Initially, I would condition my mind to forget such conversations. This worked for a while but as time went by I realised I wasn’t forgetting but merely tucking them away somewhere in my memory. It seemed like the more I suppressed them, the more vivid they were in my thoughts. This stressed me out and seemed to give me headaches.
“Eventually, in some cases, I would be forced to share the secret with someone else. And I choose my wife or my mother.”
The experience Ayuba says, has forced him to decline being anybody’s confidant: “As soon as I hear ‘I want to discuss something private with you’, my antennas go up and I stop the person right there. I don’t want to hear it.”
A study by Michael Slepian in August 2013 notes interestingly that: “People who hold onto secrets also literally feel burdened.”
Published in the Social Psychology and Personality Science journal, Slepian found that people who keep secrets experience the same judgements as people who are physically weighed down.
According to the study, when his subjects were told to think of a personal secret, they judged hills to be steeper and distances longer than subjects who revealed their secrets before making the judgement.
The study notes further that the more burden some the secret and the more thought devoted to it, the more perception and action were influenced in a manner similar to carrying physical weight, adding that physical burdens weigh people down as much as secrets do.
In her piece, ‘Understanding Why We Keep Secrets,’ Elena Brower explains that secrets actually have us. Not the other way round that we think we have secrets.
According to the mother and founder of Virayoga and Art of Attention, “The number-one reason people keep secrets or lie is to “keep the peace.” We hold onto secrets to keep other people happy, safe, set in their vision of the world, and in their vision of us. Our ability to be confident and truly present rides on our having nothing left to hide.”
Rev. Fr. Sam Okwuidegbe explains that in the ethics of the profession as a therapist, one is obliged to respect confidentiality. “When people come to you for therapy, you have to go through a confidentiality form agreeing that anything discussed between you and the person will not be revealed even in if a court of law demands information from you regarding the person. You can only divulge any information if the person has given you authority to do so.”
The catholic priest adds that: “Even then,you have to determine what part of the information you have to divulge so that it doesn’t pose a threat to the person latter on.”
The therapist also says: “Generally speaking, people should understand that they have a moral obligation to keep people’s secrets. It is a difficult trend today because a lot of individuals find it difficult to keep their mouths shut. This is the reason many prefer to talk to strangers or go to professionals. I also advise people to tell strangers their secrets if it is something that will hurt them or at least they should be selective which friend they decide to tell.”
Okwuidegbe adds that: “Some people can’t keep quiet because letting out other people’s secrets is an ego trip. The more information they spill out about other people, the more significant and relevant they consider themselves to be.
“My general advice is that people should know who they tell what to and for those who decide to listen, they should remember it is a moral obligation they have to keep.”