How close should a married woman be to her relatives?

Ozemena recently divorced his wife; after three years of marriage. He said the major cause of their separation was that she was too close to her family for his liking. He said whenever he discussed some issues or plans with her, he felt angry when she came to him hours or days later to say […]

Ozemena recently divorced his wife; after three years of marriage. He said the major cause of their separation was that she was too close to her family for his liking.

He said whenever he discussed some issues or plans with her, he felt angry when she came to him hours or days later to say she had discussed them with her mother or relatives and they suggested this or that, or that the idea wasn’t good at all.

“The most annoying part is that sometimes when we are discussing, and I mention something, she will say ‘let us discuss it with my parents and relatives’ or ‘let me ask my father about it’. I believe such discussions should remain between the two of us only,” he said.

A mutual friend of the divorced couple who craved anonymity said the ex-wife had, when friends and family intervened in their case, said she was very close to her family from childhood and thought that with marriage she now has an expanded and larger family. 

“The woman often said she could not understand why her husband will want to cut off her family from their decisions even where it concerned her, or involved an area that her family had experience,” he said.

 “There was a time he wanted to go into poultry business and when the woman told her brother who had been in the business, he suggested some places they could get quality feeds cheaper, but when she mentioned it to him, he became angry and questioned why she mentioned it to her brother in the first place,” the friend also recalled.

Ahmedu Musa (not his real names) told Home Front that his wife, who he got married to a year ago, “goes to her mother’s residence almost on a daily basis.” His mother in-law lives in the same town with them.

“She keeps saying she wants to go and visit her mother all the time. Since we are now married, I believe she should stay in my house and limit her visits to her father’s house,” he said.

The wife, in her defense, said she is her mother’s only female child and sometimes goes to help her in her restaurant business instead of sitting at home all day. She added that she didn’t go there every day, or when there was something important to do in her own home. 

She said she returned home most times before her husband closed from work, though occasionally she slept over at her mother’s but always sought his permission before leaving the house.

But the husband said he sometimes only grudgingly allowed her trip home; just so he is not seen as non-accommodative of his in-laws.

Ize sees her husband’s attitude as leaving a lot to be desired. She said she comes from an extended family and that relatives visited each other from time to time. According to her, her husband was usually unhappy whenever her relatives came to spend some days with her and also got offended when she visited them.

She said she often felt ashamed because her siblings’ spouses were welcoming and used to the tradition of hosting relatives and making return visits.

In his case, Amuche is bitter against his mother in-law, and has even reported her to other in-laws and family members. 

“She is interfering in my home. Does she think I cannot take care of my wife? When my wife complains of a minor ailment, she calls both of us from morning till night and either comes over or asks that she be taken to her house. She is always giving us one advice or the other in running our home or our affairs,” he said.

The mother in-law on her part said Amuche’s complaints came as a shock to her. She said it was the same attention she gave his wife, her second daughter, that she showered on her first daughter, and that her first daughter’s husband never complained.

Abdurrauf Babalola, an Islamic cleric said a married woman should be close to her relatives to the extent that it will not upset her marriage. She should redefine the relationship from the context of the husband, he said.

The cleric said the husband’s affairs are sacrosanct and she should not be allowed out except with his permission.

 “The wife should display passionate love and obedience to her husband. First, do all possible things for him to love you, then humbly tell him what bothers you concerning your relatives. Once he loves you deeply, he will love those you love,” he advised.

Mrs Olobayo Mosun who has been married for 15 years said the solution to such issues is that couples should have a middle ground. She said married women should modify relations taking into consideration their husband’s personality, likes and dislikes, and getting them to understand through discussion not force.

She said men, on the other hand, should understand that being married does not mean that a woman should no longer have relationship with her family members just as they (husbands) are not cut off from theirs.

“The couple should try to factor that into the marriage,” she advised.