How do you handle prying in-laws?

Onome has been married for two years and since her marriage she has known no peace. “I love my husband and he is a very good man but sometimes, if not every time, he acts like he doesn’t have a mind of his own,” she complained bitterly. “Before any decision is taken in our home, […]

Onome has been married for two years and since her marriage she has known no peace. “I love my husband and he is a very good man but sometimes, if not every time, he acts like he doesn’t have a mind of his own,” she complained bitterly. “Before any decision is taken in our home, he has to seek the opinion or approval of his mum and hides under the shadow of ‘I am just trying to get advice from an experienced person, besides she’s my mum and wants the best for me.’ There was a time I told my husband, we should start saving together, then towards the end of the year we use the savings for something tangible. I remember referring to the idea as ‘our family project,’ he was happy with the idea. A few weeks later, he called me to speak about it and said ‘mummy said we should slow down first and try to recover from the expenses spent for our wedding.’ I was so angry but could not do anything about it.
“I can’t take this intrusion of my mother in-law in my marriage affairs anymore, but I don’t know what to do, I don’t know the action to take and still not hurt my mother in-law or husband, because some of the options I have thought of definitely would hurt someone.” Womanhood spoke with some of its cross readers to give their opinion on the issue.
Samantha Nwabueze, a civil servant who was instantly spited on hearing Onme’s plight, she said: “Why on earth should her mother in-law intrude in their affairs, even to the extent of decision making? Well, I can’t and would never take that from any in-law, after all they are not kids but adults who both decided to tie the knots, or was it the mother who also helped him in choosing the wife?  I think Onome has to speak with her husband because he is the one who keeps going to relate his family issues to his mother. She has to sit him down, discuss intensely with him and make him realise that what you both have now is a family and that in other for it to work out well, it has to be free from any form of external or internal intrusion.”
Doris Nwokoye, a secretary, she started by asking: “Why do in-laws poke their noses in their relative’s family? I remember having an experience with my sister in-law, who wanted to know about all the happenings in my home, it was not easy with me that period, me and my husband always quarreled because of the issue, but thank God for his grace. Onome should put her family into prayer because whether she likes it or not, in-laws can have great influence in our homes. I remember at some point in my own marriage, I had to speak to someone in the family whom I know my sister in-law respects in the family. I believe there is a head of family or someone who she can relate this matter to, then who in return will talk to the mother in-law. But even at that, her husband has a major role to play; she has to try to make him see reasons because the moment he got married, he became a man of his own and the head of his own house. Hence he has to act as such and not run home to mama each time he needs to make a decision.”
Pius Miller, a consultant, wonders thus: “May be Onome’s husband is a mama’s boy”. He went on to explain that: “A couple should set the record straight with in-laws, the moment you notice a prying in-law, you immediately thrash it out because with any space or chance you give them, they take it and want to use it to rule your home. Onome should better draw the line with her mother in-law now before it gets out of control and the mother in-law gets absolute control. She doesn’t need to be harsh or cruel about it instead she should approach the issue with caution, putting in mind that the person involved is her husband’s mum.”
Uzezi Osogba, a trader, thinks that: “Relatives should learn to keep their distance from their kids, sister or brother’s family affairs, especially with young couples. They need all the freedom and space to get to know each other better. They need to know how to fend for themselves, be responsible and also know when to settle issues when the need arises. The moment you start prying in their affairs, you are not only causing problems in their marriage but also making them feeble and un-capable to stand up for themselves when you are no more or in-disposed. I am a mother and I have kids who are married and I have no right to pry in their family issues except for utmost reasons.” Osogba advises that: “But should a couple experience a prying in-law, they should immediately speak with such in-law calmly to clear up the issue.”
Samantha Cummings, how contributor on relationships and family, in her article ‘How to handle a nagging or prying mother in-law,’ advises that: “Frankly discuss the things that bother you with your mother in-law. This should be done along with your spouse, as a couple. Try to sandwich negative remarks between positive ones. For instance, “We love having you over, but it bothers us when you don’t call first. We’d really like to make sure we have the house in order and are prepared for your visit so we can enjoy our time together.” Listen to what she says with an open mind and attempt to respond firmly but positively. Calm your mother in-law’s tendencies by reaching out. If she always makes remarks about the way you fix holiday dinners, ask if she will prepare a portion, or all of the next meal. If she always drops in unexpectedly, visit her more often. If she is interested in your affairs as a married couple, have discussions with her about things you’re comfortable discussing. Try to include her as much as possible, while insisting that she respects your boundaries.”