How Goje, Diezani & Madam PJ are expanding APC’s hall of fame

On behalf of the insufferable people of Gombe State, I welcome Danjuma Goje’s induction into Sai Baba’s Hall of Saints. If Goje had not been such a party faithful, I would have suggested that he sues Ibrahim Magu and all those who wasted the meagre resources of our own Scotland Yard searching for smoking guns. […]

On behalf of the insufferable people of Gombe State, I welcome Danjuma Goje’s induction into Sai Baba’s Hall of Saints. If Goje had not been such a party faithful, I would have suggested that he sues Ibrahim Magu and all those who wasted the meagre resources of our own Scotland Yard searching for smoking guns. Knowing full well that in 1902 Hiram Percy Maxim invented the gun silencer, only bazookas, RPGs and mortars increase lethal carbon footprints. The day Goje put liberty before ambition all smokes were blown off the corruption gun.

I have nothing but respect for the modus vivendi of the ruining party. They are a saintly bunch, seeing nobody has successfully hung the tag of corruption on His Holiness Bọlá Ahmed Tinubu or the poster president of Africa’s anti-corruption movement, General Muhammadu Sai Baba. It is trite law to expect anyone in their company to magnetize corruption. Indeed, author D. Olu Olagoke would’ve written a sequel to his first and titled it – The Incorruptible Politricians.

Sai Baba’s turare bleaches corruption the saliva cleanses blood from a stained cloth. Anyone as much as insinuating that Goje is corrupt puts himself or herself in line for contempt of court. Our erudite attorney general knows when not to waste the times of the court.

I’ll never insinuate that since Sai Baba found Onoghen unsuitable for sitting on the highest seat of justice in the land, judgements have suited the ruining party. Who dare say that Oyetola did not win the Osun governorship selection when the courts have affirmed?

With Danjuma Goje’s induction into the pantheon of Saints and Anayo Rochas Kokorocha a bona fide sinnator of the feral Republic, things are looking up. I see a presidential decree clearing the veld separating the three robbers zone for the establishment of APC Saint Square. Ask Imolites know, statues reduce a nation’s carbon footprint better than trees and flowers. Abdollarhi Gandollar would have a pride of place in that garden with an artistic effigy in which the dollar bounces off his jalabiya, because we all know that that man, like Rotimi Amaechi doesn’t even like money.

As we continue the anti-corruption fight, may Allah reward the venerable, most excellent General Sani Abacha for saving enough money to keep in the news 21 years later. That is legacy for you irrespective of what the Swiss say. In Sai Baba’s dictionary, edited by Hamza al-Mustapha, Abacha is a patron saint. One of these days, the very respectable Malami would file a petition to the ICC asking them to stop soiling a dead saint’s bad reputation. All these periodic release of money stashed away by Abacha is sacrilegious.

Women are competing with men and sometimes beating them in the sleaze deal. Ask Alexa to bring you the pictures of Madam Diezani side by side with other saints like Maryam Babangida, Maryam Abacha or Her Excellent Excellency, Sai Mama and you know why it is suicidal to joke with a soldier’s wife. Messing with a Naija soldier’s wife is a sure way to see hell before dying.

With every pun intended, soldiers deck their wives. Illiterate soldier’s wives need lots of jewellery to cover the emptiness within. With Madam Globe, the glitter is to compliment the brain or the brawn with eye either on the presidency or as first lady. A lot of trinkets go with both positions.

When it comes to making bad use of good money, Naija women are practically measuring shoulders with their male counterparts. Remember the unbroken records of Madame Cecilia Ibru! The gods of Bompai would never let me put Maryam Abacha in this box. In barely one week of Goje’s sanctification, followed by Oyetola’s selection reaffirmation in Osun, two women have broken sleaze records. Madam Globe lost temporary ownership of jewellery worth $40 million. Only last year, she lost penthouses worth $4.8 million, forcing us to wonder where we were when we were picking wives!

In March, Madam Pese, famous President Jones’ wife forfeited N2.4 billion in one swoop having lost temporary custody of another $8.4 million. Last week, she lost N9.2 milllion and an extra $8.4 million domiciled in seven banks. The court opined that there was no reason to suspect that the funds were legally acquired. The Joneses won’t be happy that Madam is losing the ‘gifts’ she got as first lady and the salary she ‘earned’ as Bayelsa’s permanent secretary-at-large, a position that yields dollars.

Let’s agree with the courts that the amounts were stolen; the question a beleaguered President Jones might be asking is – when did stealing become corruption when it was a directive principle of state policy. Mama Peace should hold her peace. If her husband lives long enough, she’ll discover that what goes around, usually comes around. With time, President Jones might still have that opportunity to repeat his failed class – just like Sai Baba. After all Naija is a land of repeated failures.