How healthy is competition in marriage?

Competition is gradually creeping into homes in today’s society. Some spouses compete with each other, constantly trying to one-up each other in their careers, income and parenting among others. Although competition is said to be a basic fact of life, and considered normal in the work place, at school and, of course, in sports, it […]

Competition is gradually creeping into homes in today’s society. Some spouses compete with each other, constantly trying to one-up each other in their careers, income and parenting among others.

Although competition is said to be a basic fact of life, and considered normal in the work place, at school and, of course, in sports, it is however said to be unhelpful in marital relationship. Competition and comparison create division and instead, turn your partner into your opponent; it also makes it difficult to feel secure in the relationship.

Information on madaboutmarriage.com reveals that marital competition is usually the result of insecurity. “If you feel like you have to out-earn your spouse, you’re probably insecure about your financial contribution to the marriage,” he said.

It also stated that competition in marriage can be the result of jealousy. “For instance, almost everyone wants to be the “good parent” who the children are excited to see come home, so it’s only natural to be a little jealous of the “good parent”.

Many marriages would be better off if both husband and wife clearly understand they are on the same side, said a motivational speaker, Zig Ziglar.

An accountant with a multinational organisation, Mrs Usman, who was already working before meeting her husband, said she continued with her work after their wedding and was pregnant shortly after.

“It was when I was pregnant that my husband told me to resign from my job to enable me take care of our baby. At first I rebuffed the suggestion because of the quality of the job and what it brings to the table but after much explanation I agreed,” she explained.

She said she disagreed initially because she loved her work. “I had worked in the organisation for more than two years before meeting my husband so, pulling out was difficult. But I also love my husband and the fact that I would have time to take care of the baby, make me to agree to quit.”

However, problem started between the couple after the baby was weaned and the husband said she shouldn’t look for another employment. He said that should wait until after they had the number of children they planned to have.

Mrs Usman said at that point, she could no longer bear it because she had promised to build a career for herself and not be a full-time housewife, adding that she immediately started scouting for another job and it was not long before she got one.

“That was the beginning of our disagreement. My husband accused me of trying to compete with him because I want to get a well-paid job to boost my ego,” she said.

On her part, an estate manager, Mrs Bridget Afolayan, said competition is an act to overdo or outshine one another, adding that “we must understand that selfish competition is unhealthy for marital life.”

“It is not healthy to compete to outshine on another in marriage because everyone has a purpose. Competition should not be a barrier for accomplishing that. Although some men cannot handle successful or career women, as they easily get intimidated. They think the woman is competing with them and this is where maturity and understanding comes in,” Afolayan said.

She added that working together towards a common goal creates a strong sense of loyalty and support that connects the couple on a deeper, more intimate level.  “Knowing that your spouse has your back, and that you have his, provides a safe and secure foundation that allows you both to manage life’s ups and downs.”

A marriage counselor, John Shuaibu, said the concept of marriage itself is unity or union for a common goal, adding that when the goal is not known there is bound to be deviation.

He said, firstly, women are the completion of a man, therefore, when marriage is sealed on covenant as ordained by God, the essence is to be fruitful, multiply, replenish and fellowship (care and feel for each other) on earth.

“Therefore, competition in marriage is totally wrong and when it is allowed, that is the beginning of the breakup of a healthy marriage. Understanding the above are key to avoiding unhealthy marriage.

“For instance, if a wife earns more than the husband it shouldn’t be the reason a wife should disrespect or not submit to her husband, and vice-versa. If only we can remove the veil and break the wall of misunderstanding, how sweet and healthy marriage will be,” said Shuaibu.

He reiterates that competition is for those without knowledge of what marriage stands for, adding that it is necessary that before marriage, couples defined their marital goals in the area of jobs and interests.

“Marriage is a support platform and it’s sacrificial therefore, for instance, on academics, they should plan and for the children it is more appropriate for the wife to be more around them because women are more wired as care givers than men. For me it’s about doing the right thing at the right time because, otherwise, the end result is not usually palatable.

There is also the place of proper communication, while proper arrangement should be made to care for the home front and not on the premise that because the wife has taken up a certain responsibility, the husband must look for something higher.

He concluded by saying that where the spouses know that the promotion of one is for the common good of the both, there wouldn’t be crisis, rather they would support each other, after all marriage is not to stunt the growth of one or the other.