How I’ve been able to survive in marriage, by 80-year-old mother of Senator Khairat Gwadabe

I was born in Aba in 1930. We lived at 77 Hospital Road. I went to CMS United School, along Hospital Road too. My father was from Abeokuta, my mother from Ilorin. In 1950, I went to London. Alhaji [her husband] went to London in 1949. We came back in 1955. Then our marriage. We […]

I was born in Aba in 1930. We lived at 77 Hospital Road. I went to CMS United School, along Hospital Road too. My father was from Abeokuta, my mother from Ilorin. In 1950, I went to London. Alhaji [her husband] went to London in 1949. We came back in 1955. Then our marriage. We lived in Lagos when the NPC secretary came to meet us in Apapa saying that they wanted Alhaji to be NPC lawyer. We had to move down to Kaduna. From Kaduna, we moved to Zaria—it was at Zaria that I had my children.

While in Zaria, they said we should go to Ivory Coast [Cote d’ Voire] as ambassador. We were there. I hosted all the Nigerian women there. Every Sunday, they would come to me and we had parties. And the ambassadors’ wives too, governors’ wives, the commissioners’, all came to me, I held parties for them.

What impressed them most was, if they come in, if the mai gadi (watchman) was there, he would open the gate. If it were the driver, he would open the gate. They said, “Ah, Madam, this is wonderful! We don’t do that here.” They said if the gateman is not there, nobody would open the gate. The driver would have to come down…even if the gardener is there, he would not open the gate. They were so surprised that anytime they came to my house, anybody would open the gate.

I said yes, in Nigeria, we work together. Even the houseboy is like my children—I hold them together. So every Sunday, we would invite all the Yorubas there mostly then, Ejigbo people from Osun. We had few Ilorin people there. They loved me so much, I played novelty matches with them [laughter].

I was the first woman to play football on their soil. They were so happy that a woman could play football. We organised our Nigerian girls—they put on the uniform on our independence day. They were so surprised that women could play football. From there, they started to train their own girls to be footballers. We came back home in 1955.

You are the first female councillor in Nigeria. How did you come about this?

We did elections. I won the election. I was so happy. I have the photograph there. I went round all the villages—there was one village there, is it Imoru? It was terrible. Guinea worm! They said, “Madam, don’t go there, because all this area is infested by guinea worm.” I said don’t worry, Allah will help. So we went round and round and saw everything.

What was your interest in politics at that time, as a woman?

People just liked me. They said I must come…I didn’t like politics but they said I must come. They said as you are active and you love people, you must be voted into office. “You must be our councillor…” they said. So I went and they voted for me to put in my small quota [laughter].

Your husband was not against this?

No, no, he wasn’t. He supported it.

How were elections conducted during that time?

Oh, they were very free and fair! You queue up and they count the votes. Everybody is satisfied. No rigging. If you lost, you congratulated your opponent. Not a do-or-die business.

When was this time you are talking about?

Oh, 1970’s, 76.

At what point can we say things derailed?

You know, that time, it was not a money affair. We didn’t have the money. People only wanted someone who was active and would attend to their needs. You promise them and you fulfil your promises. That was it in those days. But these days, I’m not a politician so I’m not…[laughter].

You have nurtured many successful children. What is the key to achieving this?

My word is for the wife. Patience! number one. Look after your children. Bring your children up, pray for your children and your husband. If your children come back from school with what you did not give them, ask them to take it back. “This is not your pencil, take it back.” None of my children…I train them not to bring [home] people’s things. Don’t borrow biro, don’t borrow pencil, don’t borrow exercise book, don’t borrow eraser. If you don’t have it, tell me. I will buy it for you. From here, they listened to me. After coming back from school, they go to karatu. They come back, do their lesson. They are all together—I used not to allow them…if they had a party or football at school, I allowed them to go. I wouldn’t allow any boy to come and play with them—whois the father, who is the mother? You don’t bring someone who might corrupt all of you into my house. That is how I trained them all, both boys and girls.

Do you see your children passing on these values to their own children?

Insha Allah! They come, this is their house. “Grandma, we want zobo, grandma we want…” children are like this. The grandchildren are all like this.

How many grandchildren have you?

Ba zem fada ba! [I won’t say it. laughter].

In marriage, there is always a time when a spouse would say, “Oh no, I wouldn’t have entered into this union.”

What I told you, everything is patience. Igbo call it ndidi. Hausa call it hankuri. If you say, “No, I won’t marry this man, he doesn’t come back at night, he doesn’t do this.” Look after your children and pray for him. That is why I have lived long like this. I don’t bother myself with anything.

Is there anything that had gone on your nerves deep down that you thought over many things?

Babu, insha Allahu! Prayers, nothing. I’m so happy. I thank my God.

You are a philanthropist. We would like you to shed more light on the Raliat Foundation.

We are having a meeting very soon. When they come from Lagos to meet me, we are going to discuss it.

Despite immense advantages of western education, many more still deny their female children access to it. Why is this happening?

Maybe it is the background. You know, some don’t want their children to go to school because if they go, they will do this, they will do that, but I’m happy, now the northerners are trying. They are trying very well. I do see it on television. I see northern children who have gone to school. We want to encourage them to send more to school. Education is very good.

In those days, hardly would you see the girl-child in school. Why was your situation different?

You know, it depended on the mother. Some would say, “Go and sell something for me.” And they preferred girls to the boys. But these days, there is nothing like that. I’m happy. Many compulsorily send their children to school.

You are 80. How has life been?

I’m happy. The children make me happy. If you have a problem child, you won’t be like this. My children make me happy. My grandchildren make me happy. I have no problems insha Allah!

Being a senior citizen, Nigerians would want to get this advice from you. Where should the next president come from. North or south?

My advice is that they should take it easy. May God give us the good leader who will take us through. Insha Allah. That is my prayer every day.

How did your union with baba start?

We were in Aba, my mother was in Aba. His [her husband’s] own mother was in Onitsha. But the mother came to Aba to stay. He always came on holidays from Onitsha. That was where we met in 1937 [Laughter]. I was seven, he was nine when we met. I was a virgin.

And that was how it started.

Oh pari!

So when were you married?

1950.

At what point did you realise that this is the right man to marry?

God did that for us. We just met. He was in Onitsha and I in Aba. He was schooling in Onitsha, I in Aba.

Weren’t you afraid when your husband became NPC legal adviser?

I was so happy. There was no problem.

Nigerian women are still backward. Men still beat their wives. Is it that women are not doing what they should do or men are just wicked to women?

It is men who are wicked. Women are at home—they suffer, look after the children. The man comes back, gets his food, eats and sleeps. The woman would not say anything. But some women don’t have that patience. That’s why the fight with their husbands. If you have patience stay. Here you know where you are. But where you are going, you don’t know. You have to have patience, go through all the wahala, look after your children and the children will say, “Ah, my mummy, you suffered with us. As I’m enjoying my life now, may Allah make you enjoy yours too.”

In Islam, man has the right to marry up to four [women]. If you are a Muslim, you have to be prepared for that. You have to have patience with men. That is how God created them.

 Are you the only wife?

Yes.

All these years, you are the only wife?

Yes.

 

The mother and daughter-in-law animosity is always there…

That is another big question. That is another second wife. Some mothers-in-law are very wicked but my mother-in-law was my mother. She loved me, she loved the children. She took care of me. My mother-in-law was my mother’s friend. So that’s how I enjoyed my relationship with my mother-in-law. She did not molest me. She took me like her daughter.

Are your children’s wives treating you the way you would want them to treat you?

Ah, the other one is…Rahman’s wife, she is now in France as an attaché. She is coming for this thing. Kafayat, she has a school in Lagos, she is Alimi’s wife—all of them love me. They buy dresses for me. If they go to Dubai or they go to France, they buy things for me, shoes, everything. All of them love me and I love them too. Isiaka’s wife, the same thing.

After 80 years, what are we looking up to from you?

It’s prayers to God. Alhamdulillah! Alhamdulillah! Alhamdulillah!

During the coup during the Sadauna’s time, your husband being a member of the NPC then, what really did you go through?

 We were on Second Avenue in Lagos by then. We saw one of the policemen running, that there was a coup. Eh, I think baba was going somewhere. He had to come back. He came back home, nothing, nobody molested us. The following day, we went back to Ilorin.

Your going back to Ilorin was to run away from the crisis-prone Lagos as a result of the coup.

You know, he was the minister of transport then. So when this thing happened, we had to go back home to allow the situation to normalise.

Did you have any influence on your children’s choice of career?

Babu! I only prayed for them.

What is your advice to parents who choose careers for their children?

I want you to be a doctor. No, let the child choose what they want and let Allah see them through. Because someone’s child is a doctor so mine must as well be. No!

What has been your happiest or saddest moment in life?

All my things, I put in Allah’s hands. I am happy with all this. By the grace of Allah, nothing has upset me. I pray Allah, don’t make me unhappy, don’t make me see a bad thing that will upset me.

What do you foresee of Nigeria as a country?

It is a nice country [laughter]. May God let us…what is going on now, we have to pray. Everything is in God’s hand.

We know that baba is a vegetarian. What about you?

I don’t eat much. If I take a cup of tea now, maybe in the afternoon, just small rice [laughter]. I take fruits, everything.