How much time do you spend with your kids?

 Recently, a colleague was discussing about his neighbour’s twins in Garki, Abuja who were celebrating their one year birthday and as the father of the children held them to take some pictures, the children started struggling to get away from him. He was embarrassed and their mother tearfully said her husband was hardly around and […]

 Recently, a colleague was discussing about his neighbour’s twins in Garki, Abuja who were celebrating their one year birthday and as the father of the children held them to take some pictures, the children started struggling to get away from him.
He was embarrassed and their mother tearfully said her husband was hardly around and barely saw the children which was responsible for the kids’ dissenting outburst, as they saw him as a total stranger.
 The media not too long ago was awash with stories of a maid who put her bosses’ one-year old child in the fridge and escaped with their money and other household items.
According to the story, the child was rescued by relatives staying with the family but had briefly moved out of the house. They found the child in the fridge, got her out but didn’t report the incident to the parents.
 The relatives didn’t tell the parents  because they were afraid they would be blamed for the incident.
Several years later, the child developed some health complications but no one dared to reveal to the mother the cause of the child’s constant health problems.
 One of the nephews of the woman whose child was put in the fridge reportedly said that the woman preferred her job over and above every other thing and that the husband barely came home to be with the family.
“The kids had the best toys, clothes and everything they wanted but the effect of the absence of the parents was too obvious to ignore. They were rich and believed that money could buy everything for the kids, including love,” she said.
 But what if the relatives hadn’t come early enough to rescue that child or what if the maid had decided to do something worse?
Parents these days are so engrossed in their work schedules that they leave the obligation of raising their children to their house maids, friends or relatives.
 Almost every household today has a housemaid to take care of the children and do other house chores.
 Most women even dump their children at crèches, without sparing time to know how their kids are being handled.
 A woman, who does not want to be named, told Home Front that she has three beautiful boys. When asked where they were, she said they  were in the crèche where she took them to a month after giving birth to them.
 She also hinted that she didn’t care how badly or well the kids fared because her job was more important and that her husband was barely home either.
 Is it a crime to leave the children with the maids or at the crèche, in this rather busy generation where both mother and father are trying to make ends meet? And how do we ensure that the house helps are handling the children the right way? How do we also ensure that these kids are fed the right way at these crèches?
We are all familiar with families that have lived with their maids for ages to the extent that children take them as relatives. But we also know of cases where children have been sexually molested by the people that were entrusted with their care.
 Mrs. Agnes Ugochukwu, a banker said her kids are closer to her maid than they are to her because of the nature of her job.
“I have no choice but to hire maids to take care of my children, even though my kids barely know me, I don’t really care much. When they become older, they would appreciate the luxury and comfort we provided for them and understand that being absent in their lives was to provide for them,” she said.
 Mrs. Chioma Ukwu said her son asked her three years ago if she would leave her purse full of money and jewelry with their maid for some time, and she said she wouldn’t because she doesn’t trust her maid.
 Then her son bent his head, asked her why she always left him with the maid and whether money and jewelries were more valuable than him.
 “From that day on, my life changed. I resigned from my job and got a more flexible one to enable me to take care of my kids,” she said.
Mr. Arthur Kolawale lamented that his absence in his son’s life brought so much agony to his family as the son ended up joining bad gangs early in his life.
 “I was pursuing one contract or the other; I provided for my family, gave them everything money could buy without realizing that my kids wanted us more than they wanted all the material possessions.
 “Parents should bear it at the back of their minds that maids, crèches, expensive holidays/vacations and boarding schools cannot replace the love and the presence of a father or mother in a child’s life,” Kolawale said.
 A psychologist and pastor with GoodNews Ministry Kubwa, Abuja, Pastor Clifford Kelechi, said that God who gave those kids to their parents want the kids to receive love from the people who gave birth to them unless where the parents are not alive, then anybody who adopts the kids is the caregiver.
 He said for those raised without their parents, various studies have demonstrated that they suffer five times the average suicide rate which dramatically increased with the rates of depression and anxiety; 32 time the average rate of incarceration, decreased education levels and increased drop-out rates.
 He said: “The kids consistently earn lower average income levels, lower job security, increased rates of divorce and relationship issues, substantially increased rates of substance abuse and increases in social and mental behavioural issues.
“A father’s absence in many ways steals the birthright of any child and takes from him the inherent and natural internal structures,” he said.
 Pastor Clifford also said that most children whose parents chose their jobs over them seek solace in drinking, smoking, joining cultism and committing different kinds of crime to fill in vacuum compared to those who have committed fathers.
 “Majority of those kids get sexually and emotionally abused by the maids who are supposed to take care of them.
“Most of them see their mothers bring in different kinds of men to their homes believing that is the right way to live.
“Male children tend to look up to their fathers as role models and when such a man is missing in their lives, the next available man who gives them attention becomes their role model,” he said.
 He advised parents to make out time for their kids, help them with school assignments, take them to games and play with them instead of leaving them solely in the hands of maids or crèches.
 An Islamic scholar and Abuja-based psychologist, Ustaaz Haashim Eleyinla, said Islam does not prohibit parents from leaving their children in the care of trustworthy Muslims who will take good care of them, but added that it is better if parents themselves take good care of their children.
 He said parents who want to cede their parental responsibilities should know they would be questioned by Allah as regards their children.
 “Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said ‘Every parent is a shepherd and they shall be asked as regards their children’,” he said.
 Ustaaz Haashim said a parent may be forced to cede his parental duties to others in case of death, divorce, incapability, work out of the city of residence or travelling for religious duties like going for pilgrimage or for dawah.
 His words: “The Prophet of Islam was himself taken care of by his uncle, Abu Talib and a foster mother, Halimah, who breastfed him.”