How not to talk to your partner

Sometimes all a spouse craves is just for the other to hear them, they may also have something important to say but the way it is put across either gets them the opposite or results to argument. Many a spouse have blamed the other for this not knowing that talking to their spouse the wrong […]

Sometimes all a spouse craves is just for the other to hear them, they may also have something important to say but the way it is put across either gets them the opposite or results to argument. Many a spouse have blamed the other for this not knowing that talking to their spouse the wrong way is the problem.
Laraba John who has been married for two decades said she is always mindful of her choice of words when talking to her husband.
 “Even when I know he has done something very wrong. I talk to him in a way that is not insultive. I try to be polite while saying he is not right. I don’t make him look stupid or express my displeasure when he is in a bad mood. It is also not good to talk to your spouse in a way that seems you have already decided or concluded the case, seek out their own opinion in your speech,” she advises.
Idris  Shehu, who has been married for eight years  said the way some people talk to their wives and husbands make them to dread every time they say ‘let us talk.’ It is either they are spiteful and critical or  keep repeating the same thing over.
“Some women call their husbands names and make them feel useless when they don’t have money to provide the household needs, is that the way to get those needs? You approach your husband and say ‘don’t you know the children’s food is finished or of all wrappers in the market is this what you can buy for me?  Some talk for so long that the man gets tired of listening. They will waste time talking  which does not lead to constructive dialogue,” he said.
Dr. Nadia Persun, a Clinical Psychologist who specializes in treatment of, adolescent and marital issues said loving well does not always mean telling it all and being persistent.
“Sometimes you are wrong. And being wrong, angry, and stubborn is an annoying combination that never lets you get through to anyone. A scavenger hunt of accusations will never lead to dialogue or connecting.
“Sometimes it may be good advice delivered with bad timing. The other person is not ready or incapable of change at the moment. They need more support and empathy and less instruction. As said by Theodore Roosevelt, “Nobody knows how much you know, until they know how much you care.” For a change to take place, it has to be good advice, delivered at an appropriate time, in a sensible manner.”
The expert termed situations when one partner is just not willing to give up, continuing toxic conversations and repeating rash lectures as “Woodpecker Syndrome.”
“A mixture of warped good intentions and self-righteousness, charged by anger and repetition, will never produce a healthy way to communicate. Woodpeckers are persistent, critical and insistent on their point of view. Woodpeckers are prone to blame, don’t listen, keenly repeat things, because someone’s reality dared to disagree with theirs. Their goal is not to communicate but to win at all costs, leading to compromised trust and loss of any hope of connecting and really hearing each other.” She said.
Persun  said once you turn into a woodpecker, you obsessively peck into someone’s skull, driving a pathway to their brain, insensibly ignoring the agony you may inflict. The other person gets pained, frustrated and defensive, trying to insulate themselves with silence.
Melissa Orlov, a psychologist and author of  ‘The ADHD Effect on Marriage’ gave  the following five ways not to talk to your partner.

Making too long a case
Since what you have to say is really important, you may be tempted to state your position in great detail. Don’t! It’s easier to understand a concise statement of a problem (at least at first) than a long-winded position.

Keeping it up when your partner doesn’t respond
You’ve stated your case and your partner has politely listened. You finish up and you get…no real response. You hoped for engagement, but what’s going on in your partner’s head instead is unclear—or worse, you fear it’s negative. Resist the temptation to repeat your case: If you want engagement, instead ask follow-up questions like, “Do you agree?” or “What do you think about that?”

Talking about private issues in front of others
You may feel overwhelmed with emotion, frustration, even anger. You may feel that you must communicate your idea or need—but if you air your private concerns in front of others, your partner is much more likely to shut down, become resentful, or be mortified rather than listen.

Ignoring a plea to talk later
You’ve stated your case (perhaps more than once) and your partner has tried to listen…but it’s the end of a long day, or for whatever reason, it simply isn’t a good time. He (or she) says, “Let’s talk about this on the weekend when we have more time.” But you are so convinced that you must get your point across now that you put your “needs” above your partner’s and keep going. So now, instead of needing to talk about one problem, you need to address two: The original problem, and the additional issue you’ve created by ignoring your partner’s request. Even as you continue talking, your partner is feeling more and more negative about the treatment you’re giving them. The more negative he or she is, the less likely he or she is to focus on—and respond to—your original problem.
Waking up later and starting again
You’re so upset about the issue you face that you can’t sleep well. Your partner is having the same problem. Rather than let it go so you can wrap your arms around each other and both approach the question refreshed tomorrow, you bring the problem topic up again…sometime around 2am—and you can imagine how well that will go.
 Sometimes we want something so much, or feel something so intensely that we can get in the way of our own best interests. But no matter how strongly you want to communicate something, your partner will best hear and respond to you if you are simultaneously showing that you are still conscious of his or her needs.