How Sai Baba punctured Zuckerberg’s balloon of hope

Wicked people, so Zuckie came to town and they feel slighted that he did not visit Camp Buhari. Pray, what is this 32-year old supposed to say to his grandfather’s age-mate? Sorry guys, there’s no room for Zahra because Zuckie is not a Mormon and Mrs Zuckie does not fancy rivalry. Agreed the photo-op would […]

Wicked people, so Zuckie came to town and they feel slighted that he did not visit Camp Buhari. Pray, what is this 32-year old supposed to say to his grandfather’s age-mate? Sorry guys, there’s no room for Zahra because Zuckie is not a Mormon and Mrs Zuckie does not fancy rivalry. Agreed the photo-op would have added pep to the photo gallery of Bubu Travels, but who cares when that of John Kerry hangs fresh where it matters?
It is true that during the campaigns, Sai Baba was pictured correctly fiddling with an iPad, while his fifty-something year old rival was seen staring at a blank screen. Since turning the Rock of Offense to Camp Buhari, Sai Baba has dashed his iPad to his ADC who in the last American outing was seen gleefully catching up on his amateur videography lessons.
Zuckie’s dream of connecting the whole of Africa to Zuckerville is dead on arrival in Naija for reasons that would be seen here. In other lands, (and I am not referring to Kenya); it would have been ideal to pump the hands of the information minister or someone high up there, say the chairman of the Naija Communications Commission, the agency that allocates spectrum to would be communication outfits; this vital agency too is headed by gerontocrats. If any of these people had met Zuckie, the saga of Angela Merkel of West Germany would have looked absurdly hilarious.
That Zuckie came, spent time in Lagos jogging on bridges without inviting Linda Ikeji, eating pounded yam and efo riro with his bare hands in deference to our ancestors is the best thing we can get. This added to the luck of having $54 billion man walk in and out of our kidnap-crazy country without incident. So, thanks Zuckie for coming, thanks for jogging, thanks for eating the king of all foods without constipation and safely overflying Naija without falling into the hands of Boko Haram or ND Avengers. You are one brave lucky guy.
I have heard, on Zuckerville that this visit was to consolidate a dream of making the Internet a part of life for the inhabitants of the untouched world, especially Africa. Thank you for thinking of us Zuckie, but no thanks. Naija has officially been excised from the rest of the globe. Of course this is a guarded open secret and I might be court-marshalled for revealing it here. We used to be a nation with a currency stronger than the dollar. Thirty something years ago, Mr. Zuckie, if you had put your entire worth on a street in Victoria Island, chances are, nobody would have touched it. Today, that same currency is exchanging for close to N500 to the dollar.
While you were visiting, we officially accepted what has been another open secret – that our badly managed economy is in recession. But you were spared that painful fact visiting those young entrepreneurs dressed like you – in jeans and T-shirt. If you had met our officials, you wouldn’t believe that we are cousins to Greece and Spain. They are as resplendent as any oil Sheikh from the Middle East and as misanthropic. By the time you were overflying Lagos to your next destination, the balloon of hope for most of the youths you saw had been deflated although some of them are so dreamy they’ll be afraid to wake up.
Dear Zuckie, Naija is not part of the globe you plan to reach or save from ignorance and backwardness. While you were soiling your dainty fingers in palm oil and trying to swallow morsels of pounded yam without choking in your meetings with young Zuckervillers, the Naija government was hatching plans to keep us in the dark ages.
According to Ojobo Atuluku, the director of ActionAid here, your flight time and meetings had nothing other than tourism value. Naija rulers hate the idea of extending Zuckerville citizenship to its people. No one gets that privilege except Boko Haram, kidnappers and Naija-Delta Avengers without its permission. Our government is proposing a Communication Service Tax, CST that could see a nine per cent tax on all phone calls, text messages, multimedia services as well as data services and pay television. This is in addition to the Value Added Tax, VAT that is added to goods and services. When you compound this to the horror of having to generate your own electricity, roads, water and security, no Naija should consider himself a part of the globe. Sorry, except they work for government. Trouble is, government job is reserved for VIP children only.
All hope is however not lost. Naija is still a 170 million largely untapped market. You do not bypass ministry bigwigs and hope to make it. Kindly reverse your tactic, send a few first-class tickets to relevant agency officials to visit you in Menlo Park, California – all expenses paid. That could re-graft us into your scheme of things. Don’t bother paying consultation fees; consider this advice as a citizen’s pro-bono service to fatherland.