How to talk to teenagers without arguing

This may not be unconnected to the belief that adults are often better able to grasp abstract concept, think on a deeper level and are likely to consider various factors including: religious, ethnical, social and moral views behind an issue before reaching any conclusion or decision while in contrast, teenagers are new to this process.Sometimes, […]

This may not be unconnected to the belief that adults are often better able to grasp abstract concept, think on a deeper level and are likely to consider various factors including: religious, ethnical, social and moral views behind an issue before reaching any conclusion or decision while in contrast, teenagers are new to this process.
Sometimes, this frustration generates serious arguments that may turn violent when patience has been stretched to the limit. However, as it is natural to feel bitter with teenagers’ contentious attitude, it is also important to note that it is this kind of household violence that provides and captures every bit of parental skill and level of patience.
Therefore instead of engaging them in an argument, perhaps to stamp authority as parents, it is rather important to exploit other ways of reshaping their views on issues without necessarily arguing, considering their status as teenagers exposed to peers, friends and new-age teachings which are likely to influence their overall thinking ability.
Mrs. Charity Ihichi, a Sociology lecturer at the Department of General Studies, Federal Polytechnic, Bida, said one of the major causes of parent-teenager argument is the inability of parents to understand that teenagers and adults think differently, and once they are able to understand that, they can correct teenagers by mere reasoning with them rather than arguing.
She said teenagers may be trying to explore a new found reasoning skill or trying to experiment what they think which they may not be committed to, and as parents it is a responsibility to assist them in exploring these new thinking ability.  
She said:“ Engage them in a talk, allow them to express their views to the fullest, before you now ask questions to find out if they really understand the position they have taken through their views.
Ihichi said questions like: ‘Why do you think so? Don’t you think it will have this effect? Do you think that what you just said is applicable in every situation?…  Will aid in better reasoning and understanding and hopefully in the process of answering these questions, there is a tendency that they may have a rethink or ask for elderly opinion.
Parents are expected to plant a strong word of caution that will expose them more on the effect of certain actions or views they are expressing. And even if what you say at this point seems to fall on deaf ears, they would probably take away something from the discussion whether they admit it or not.
In another way to correct teenager contentiousness Mrs. Ihichi noted that though reasoning together with teenagers provides a better way of correcting them, it is important that parents should be firm while taking corrective decision.
According to her, a child may attempt to outsmart his parents by repeatedly bringing up already concluded issues in an effort to persuade them to accept their views, so parents should be careful not to give in even when it will bring momentary relief, because giving in to their pressure will only teach the child that arguing is a means of getting what he wants.
 She added that although it is necessary that parents should be flexible by allowing the teenagers express their viewpoints on issues, they (parents) should be firm and consistent in making decisions. Their yes should be yes and no should mean no.  
Ihichi also noted that forming convictions in teenager is another way of resolving issues with them without arguments. “when you create an identity, a set of traits, beliefs and values that define who a child is at an early stage, it will aid the child in future when confronted with the pressure to act contrary,” she said.
She observed that when a child grows to know that in his society or family arguing does not produce better understanding to any issue, or that it portrays total immaturity, he tends to isolate himself where possible from arguments. On the other hand, when the need arises, he will tend to act and speak to mirror his identity and convictions. She advised parent to instead of engaging in argument with their wards, they should encourage and allow them develop an identity along with firm conviction.
Although it has been observed that no parent is perfect and that sometimes the view of a teenager may go in line with the rightful solution to some problems because some parents may perceive their authority is being challenged when they accept the teenager view, they would always want to play the role of ‘we are your parents listen to us” and oftentimes waste useful opinion by undermining their request or engaging them in serious arguments.
Mrs. Esther Audu, a parent, however advised that in circumstances where parents are responsible for an argument, they should not feel too big to apologize, because admitting your error will portray an example of humility which will consequently make it easier for them to want to lean on you for solutions to their problem.
Ugochukwu is a student of the Federal Polytechnic, Bida.