“I AM ACHABA: I DARE YOU TO REBRAND ME!”
If you don’t know me properly, ask Wikipedia which has some unflattering descriptions of who I am and what I do. The online encyclopaedia, in its entry on Okada says, among other things, that I am that commercial motorcycle on which my riders carry passengers for a fee. I am the chief mode of transportation […]
If you don’t know me properly, ask Wikipedia which has some unflattering descriptions of who I am and what I do. The online encyclopaedia, in its entry on Okada says, among other things, that I am that commercial motorcycle on which my riders carry passengers for a fee. I am the chief mode of transportation in the your chaotic, under-developing country. (I hear some researchers saying the presence of Achaba is the greatest sign of a country’s lawlessness and pandemonium. Never mind them). I am Acaba: I dare you to rebrand me.
By far, says Wiki, I am the most common form of informal transport system in Nigeria. My widespread use has rapidly risen in recent years. I quite agree it is unfortunate that the increase in my use has been accompanied by increased levels of high-risk behaviour and accidents on Nigerian roads, but that can’t be helped; whosoever dies as a result of my commission or omission or recklessness should consider it unavoidable circumstances. I am Acaba: I dare you to rebrand me.
You say your country is the Giant of Africa? With me around you are shorter than a dwarf, I tell you. Go to neighbouring midgets such as Ghana, you will not see me in Accra or Kumasi. Why? Because that country has addressed the issues of order and discipline, and you have not yours. I am Achaba: I dare you to rebrand me.
Yes, over the years I have come under heavy flak, culminating in legislations here and there restricting or prohibiting my operations in some Nigerian cities. But I assure you, one way or the other I am not GOING! Essentially, I am indiscipline personified. I am Achaba: I dare you to rebrand me.
I should be praised. Have I not adapted easily to the prevailing economic climate in a contemporary Nigerian society plagued by a dearth of taxi and bus services, hyper-congestion, and the poor state of roads? Should I not get awards for becoming a ubiquitous feature of Nigerian cities because of my low cost of purchase and relative fuel efficiency? I am Achaba: I dare you to rebrand me.
In fact, have I not created jobs for bonesetters, traditional and modern? Have I not caused increases in the health budget and stretched the accident and emergency services? Have I not put doctors and nurses and auxiliaries on their toes, providing them cadavers for research and gruesome injuries for experimentation? Nowadays, apart from simple fractures and compound fractures, do I not present to bonesetters complex fractures; fractures with missing bones; limbless fractures; and even fractures undefined? Must I say so much for my assistance to research? I am Acaba: I dare you to rebrand me.
I hear a group of women in a certain Northern city are uniting to campaign against me. Go ahead, shameless women. Yes, we abuse you and call you names, but that is because we think the cars you are driving belong to us; we believe, and can swear, that your husbands stole our money to buy them for you. Do your worst! Haba! I am Achaba: I dare you to rebrand me.
Pollution? You say I cause pollution? Am I the one who imports myself? Am I the one who clears them at the Ports? Am I the one that should find out whether I am environmentally-friendly or not? Are your leaders not the ones who import me and distribute me, and you turn around to blame me for polluting the environment? What concerns me with quality control? Which quality? Your country knows no such word: quality. I am Achaba: I dare you to rebrand me.
Yes, I come in Jincheng, and in Nanfang, Zongshen, Lifan and Qinqji and other unpronounceable names. Gone are the days when I used to be the easy-on-the tongue Suzuki or Yamaha or Honda or even Kawasaki. Those are now too expensive for the importers, and so they settle on Qinqji. Me too, I cannot pronounce my own name, really, honest. I am Achaba: I dare you to rebrand me.
Yes, my rider is usually drunk and or drugged when riding me. But that is the only way I can be able to do the crazy things I have to do to survive in your crazy country. I fit in perfectly. I must be high on something, really, to be able to meander between those vehicles and, sometimes, to even duck under that articulated truck. I am Acaba: I dare you to rebrand me.
Yes, I have siege mentality. When you touch one of us, you have touched all of us. To survive in this mad world, we have to be mad. Yes, if one of us does something wrong to you, or cuts you the wrong way, or hits your car, or your mother, just walk away. If not, you will get my wrath: the siege mentality that can lose you even your life. I am Acaba: I dare you to rebrand me.
I hear the story in a certain meeting to discuss my problem where more than a thousand people each pronounced that I have caused the death or injury to one relative or the other. Mea culpa! I agree I do those things. But you mother-in-law whom I killed, and your sister whose legs I broke, and your car that I hit, are all collateral damages. Sorry. Not for what I did, but for what you went through. I am Acaba: I dare you to rebrand me.
Yes, you say BA MU DA MUTUNCI (that we are devoid of any decorum)? Oh yes, how can we have any decorum? Let me tell you how I evolved. You see that Senator and that House of Reps member with flowing babbar riga and agbada? My rider was his thug during the campaigns. The young man was drugged by Honourable and he in turn maimed and harassed and rigged on the Honourable’s behalf (never mind that the Honourable’s own children are away in school in Malaysia). When Honourable ‘won’ that election (the ballot papers of which actually contained the multiple thumbprints of that young thug) Honourable bought me for him as compensation. Therefore, the remaining people my young drugged rider hasn’t maimed he is concluding now. I am Achaba: I dare you to rebrand me.
You say I must be banned? Then you must be mad! What industry provides ten million jobs in this country? Don’t tell me Agriculture. That is seasonal, and your leaders only pay lip service to boosting it. Where is that money they said they will loan my farmer father in the village? Had they given him, I would have gone back home and taken up the hoe. But no, you keep talking that you will do it, you will do it. OK, continue talking. I will do you in. I am Achaba: I dare you to rebrand me.
Talk about that helmet thing. Did I not fight the Federal Government to a standstill? Look, the only way you can curtail my excesses is when you succeed in curtailing the excesses of your leaders. Let me tell you, you need a National Policy on Achaba/Okada/Going, which should include job creation caveats so that if you deprive me of this means I can take another job up. If you don’t do that, I assure you I can do worse. After all, I am high on drugs and other substances. And yes, I am bereft of any decorum of circumspection. I am Achaba: I dare you to rebrand me.
Have you noticed the fact that most of my members do not ply the trade in our own hometowns? That way, we avoid necessarily maiming our own relatives and friends. Whoever we hit and run, maim or kill, is someone else’s brother or sister, not ours. Yes, of course, our counterparts in our own hometowns will complete the circle by killing our own parents too. May their souls rest in perfect peace. And your souls too! And mine!
I am Achaba, and I dare you to rebrand me.