“I AM TAFA: I DARE YOU TO REBRAND ME!”

I have caused the death of countless Nigerians, and not a few foreigners as well. I am the greatest fear of whoever travels from Abuja to most points north, or vice versa. You cannot pass by me but be shocked and awed and wowed by me. You must at every crossing appreciate my notoriety, my […]

I have caused the death of countless Nigerians, and not a few foreigners as well. I am the greatest fear of whoever travels from Abuja to most points north, or vice versa. You cannot pass by me but be shocked and awed and wowed by me. You must at every crossing appreciate my notoriety, my danger, my fearsomeness.

I am Tafa, therefore I am! I dare you to rebrand me!

My clients are the most feared people in this country: truck and tanker drivers. They are the kings of the road. And they have made me the king of all villages. My tenants are the food-sellers for whom the drivers stop. They attract my clients with food. And nothing else. I essentially serve as a rest-stop. Forget the so-called Federal Road Safety Commission (FRSC). For me, there is no such thing as ‘safety’. Those guys are well and truly compromised by my clients. They can’t do anything about or to me.

You tell me this is a Federal Highway? Which Federal? Which way? This is my road. My piece of road. My clients and I are the owners of this road. There is nothing anyone can do about me. Just forget the Federal Roads Maintenance Agency (FERMA). They dare not lift a finger against me or my clients. No one can do anything to me. Not even the police who have a post here and their men traverse me on their daily patrols. Even they have to be careful lest one of my clients squash them to smithereens. After all, do I not share the name of the one-time police big boss?

I am Tafa! I dare you to rebrand me!

You call my clients’ parking on the main road dangerous and precarious and indiscriminate? Okay, what can you do about it? I hear that many Muslims who pass by me recite Surats Falaq and Nas for divine protection, and I hear Christians recite Psalm 23, verse 4 (‘Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil’). Hahaha! Recite all you can, intone, pray, do your incantations, but you will be lucky to escape me alive. Show me a family that plies through me and I will show you a traumatised family. You should be grateful for the narrow little bit of road my clients leave for you.

 For several years there have been discussions on rebranding me; to build a truck and tanker park behind me and off the main road. But no one has ever come close to daring my clients with that kind of obnoxious concoction. No one dares touch my clients. Let any policeman of FRSC official touch any of my clients. All hell will break loose. And they know it. Touching one client of mine will cause all the tanker drivers in this country to go on strike. And if they go on strike, that is the end of fuel availability for you. The little bit that you have at present, that is.

I am Tafa! I dare you to rebrand me!

Yes, I am tafa. The same village where top diplomat from a top country on his way from Abuja to Kaduna was reported to have commented: ‘If there is one reason why I will not recommend my businesspeople to invest in Nigeria, it is this village, Tafa. This place is the most glaring evidence of this country’s lawlessness!’ Hahaha! Do you also remember that distinguished senator from a far northern state who passed by me and was thoroughly harassed? And he rued and lamented about me, promising me hell when he returned to his chambers. Then silence. I hear that Arik Air now flies to his hometown, so he does not ply by me anymore. Sigh of relief!

I hear you are comparing my notoriety to Ogere, on the Lagos to Ibadan Expressway. Ogere is my small sister. I hear that the Ogun State Government built a modern truck and trailer park so as to decongest the Expressway, but the drivers have refused to leave the road. You know why? Your governments at all levels are in mortal fear of my clients, the tanker drivers. It can’t do anything to them. It has this mortal fear that they can bring a government down with a debilitating fuel scarcity.

I am Tafa! I dare you to rebrand me!

I tell you, as long as you don’t give serious attention to the matter of railway in your country, there is no way you can ever overcome the lordship of my tanker drivers on the supply and distribution of fuel. In fact, I became afraid when the former president started the new $8.3b Lagos to Kano dual carriage standard gauge rail project, complete with a spur and loop from Minna to Abuja to Kaduna. That project would have sunk all my pretenses and those of my clients. But both of us heaved a sigh of relief when the new president cancelled the contract, citing lack of due process.

The rumour I had was that the project was over-invoiced to the tune of $1b. If your new president had asked me, I would have suggested that he use that extra $1b to extend the rail line from Kano to his hometown, Katsina. After all, the former president had also started the rail project from near his own hometown. That’s the way your country works, and it would have worked, rather than cancel it outright. Sadly, it would take you another hundred years to undertake that kind of project again.

 I am Tafa! I dare you to rebrand me!

I now hear your government is again going to spend several billions of Naira to rehabilitate the Jebba to Kano part of your moribund, single carriage, narrow gauge, out-moded, dilapidated and substandard rail line. We know it may be a joke. All the same, if you are serious about it like the way you are serious about that River Niger Dredging, just wait until when you are nearly done so that my clients will wreck it again.

Remember when several years ago many tankers and trucks had ‘accidents’ on the rails? The time they dropped containers and tanks on the rail-tracks for several months at the exact same place the cranes could not reach? That was no accident. It was my people’s survival tactic. Don’t you know if you carry all the goods on the rail, I will be left with the ‘bads’? What would my clients and their employers eat? Indeed, that will be a threat to me personally, as my customer base would diminish.

I am Tafa! I dare you to rebrand me!

It is not only you that are ‘accidented’ here. Sometimes even my clients become victims of my folly. Remember the other year when a tanker fell and spewed all its refined petroleum contents on me? The whole of me nearly burnt down, with scores of people killed, many of them innocent passersby. But I have bounced back. Thanks to your lawless country and unlawful law enforcers.

That professor lady at the Rebranding Headquarters also passed by me several times, but is there anything she can do about or to me? No, I am beyond rebranding.

Because I am Tafa, therefore I am! I dare you to rebrand me!