Idol worship

Dearest Buhari, I have been following your campaign trip to the South East and even saw you get a chieftaincy title. It is always good to know when to give and when to withhold. You remember when you made your 97% vs 5% speech (which I loved by the way, so clear, so honest, so […]

Dearest Buhari,

I have been following your campaign trip to the South East and even saw you get a chieftaincy title. It is always good to know when to give and when to withhold. You remember when you made your 97% vs 5% speech (which I loved by the way, so clear, so honest, so spontaneous)? Well, I thought that speech made everyone sit up and work for your attention. And now that we are drawing closer to 2019, there is no better time to reward the South East with your presence the first time since you took over power. I am sure they all believe and love you for everything you said there. I look forward to your landslide victory in the South East when we go to the polls in 2019. Maybe we can even quickly put together one or two little Federal Projects to make it more appealing when we get on the campaign trail proper. Something you can go and commission. Or send Osinbajo to commission if you are not feeling up to it. 

The thing is, this one that Rochas Okorocha has an erection for everyone apart from you, what is he thinking? He had one for Jacob Zuma, one for Ellen Johnson Sirleaf — shouldn’t charity begin at home? Plus you are far slimmer than any of those presidents. A statue for you would be slim and far less expensive to make. Okorocha would not need too many salaries of civil servants to make one for you. I don’t understand this. 

You know what I love? You calling on the guys in Zimbabwe to respect the constitution. My heart swelled with joy when I read your wise words in the text below in Vanguard newspaper:

“President Muhammadu Buhari has called for calm, peace and respect for the constitution in Zimbabwe. The President made this call in a statement issued by his Special Adviser on Media and Publicity, Mr Femi Adesina, in Abuja on Wednesday. Buhari urged all political and military stakeholders in Zimbabwe to avoid any action that may plunge the country into unnecessary conflict and impact negatively on the region. According to him, every attempt must be made to resolve all contentious issues through constitutional means to save the country from avoidable political instability.”

I know some people will say, where was the constitution when we were killing Shiites in Kaduna and evicting and killing residents of Otodo Gbame in Lagos. First, my response to that will be you were not there in Kaduna and it is not your fault. Same with Lagos. That is on the governor and not you. You have only ever been kind and loving. And even when some claimed you rationalised the killing of Shia civilians it was only because you wanted to clarify that it is not okay to touch the chest of a soldier especially if you are a bloody civilian. (I know I am a bloody civilian but I am YOUR bloody civilian and there is a difference darling.)

Also, I like how you mentioned recently that only locally-made solutions can end Nigeria’s problems. My dear your wisdom makes me admire you even more. I had to argue with some foolish person who was insisting that if that was the case you should use Nigerian hospitals. As if you like travelling to London. I think you should receive the best medical attention whether it is on earth or in outer space. If you give Nigerians hospitals that are too good they will start to take things for granted. Plus I don’t trust any Nigerian hospital to handle your medical files with the secrecy it deserves. We can’t have some random hospital having all your medical records. 

Ok, so I know I said above that Okorocha should make you an erection in Owerri but I fear that with the amount of love Nigerians have for you and your transformation of this country, it might lead to acts of worship. And while you are our saviour and have fulfilled all your campaign promise I know that you are a godly guy and won’t want people to begin making pilgrimages to Owerri to bow down before you. (Even though secretly, I wish, if it were not idolatry, it would have been cool.)

I can’t wait to go with you on the campaign trail. 

Ehen, I have to commend you for withholding the commission belonging to the whistleblower who showed us all those billions in that Ikoyi flat. I know you are committed to the mental health of Nigerians and would not want any Nigerian to run mad because of too much money even if it is their money. You are so kind and considerate. In fact I heard they took the whistleblower to Yaba Left.  

Ps. My weekly reminder: Please think of the Shiite man who is still in prison, whose children and followers we massacred and buried in Kaduna. It is never too late to do the right thing. Release him, his wife and his people. I know you want to. Hugs. 

Yours until 2023 and forever

Elnathan John