In China, two’s no longer a crowd

“I was the second child of my parents, and for fear of being discovered and reported to the authorities, everything about my life after conception was done in secrecy. As soon as I was born, I was sent to the countryside to live with my grandmother in Southern China because the one child policy was […]

“I was the second child of my parents, and for fear of being discovered and reported to the authorities, everything about my life after conception was done in secrecy. As soon as I was born, I was sent to the countryside to live with my grandmother in Southern China because the one child policy was not so strict there. Also, neighbours couldn’t really be worried about a new baby on the block,” Ma Li, a 26-year-old first generation child of China’s one child policy, narrates.
“My parents are from Southern China but lived in Beijing, north of China where the policy was strict.  I lived with my grandparents until I was old enough for secondary school. I didn’t get the chance to be suckled by my mother, or feel her warmth those early years of my life. This void was therefore filled with anger for her having ‘abandoned’ me,” she recalls with nostalgia.
“In that part of China, having a male child is very significant for families. This was the primary reason my parents had a second child and then a third who luckily, for them, was a boy,” Li stated.
“A lot of times, I wondered why I was growing up with my grandparents and not my parents like other children. But when I grew older, I understood the danger my family was exposed to and that my mother had no choice than to do what she did. It was then easier to forgive her,” she adds.
“It was very worrying for me back then that my grandparents were aged and didn’t have long to live. When I graduated, I went to south of china.
“Looking back at my childhood, I think it was better than that of some of my peers. Where parents sent their children to learn to dance, play the piano and all those things, I played and was allowed to enjoy every single bit of my childhood. I was allowed to catch frogs and put in bottles. I enjoyed the benefits of being with my siblings and sharing many fun times with them,” Li concludes her story.
The experience is however quite different for 26-year-old Zhang Xiao Hua, who says she “didn’t have any special feeling because I really didn’t know what it felt like to have a brother or sister.”
Responding to interactions she may have had with people who had siblings, her eyes immediately lit up as she spoke about her friend, Li, whose family had three children.
“Being from southern China, there is a deep sense of value in having a son. More importantly, her parents were not government workers. My father worked with the government and this policy was strict for him,” she remarked.
“In southern China, most families had more than one child. Visiting her family sometimes made me jealous. They always cared for one another.”
Happy that the policy has been relaxed, Hua said: “We are the first generation of the policy. The trouble is ahead but I am happy that government has done this. The number of old people is growing. I totally agreed about 30 years ago that there was need to put in place this policy because of the population growth.”
She worries about not being able to look after her parents in their old age, especially if there is insufficient fund to take care of herself and then her parents. “Growing up, your parents give you everything. When you are old enough, you should be the one to cater for them. But this is difficult when you are an only child caring for two aged people.  My strength is very limited and I would love to have the support of a sibling to do this,” she laughed off.
However, Hua added that: “Our parents are not like their parents who depended on their children to take care of them. Our own parents feel pity for us and strive to be independent so as not to pass any worries to us. They are more health conscious, exercise daily and ensure they have jobs.”
For 28-year-old Xiao Ming, growing up as an only child wasn’t unique until she arrived in Beijing for university at age 18.
“My impression before then was that all over China each family had one child. Then in university I saw students from rural areas and other parts of China who had siblings,” she said.
“I sometimes feel unlucky but at other times I feel quite lucky. As an only child, your parents shower you with all the love. You don’t have to share it with anyone else. This is kind of selfish,” Ming said with a laugh. “When I heard my roommates talk about their siblings, I thought about how nice it would have been to have an older brother to take care of me.”
Emphasising another dilemma of the old policy, Ming said: “As an only child, I have fewer relatives, many of whom I haven’t seen in the last 10 years. Our relationships are not as close as siblings have, and I sometimes feel that I have more friends than relatives. My kids and my cousins’ kids may never know each other.”
Two of the respondents’ parents spoke to Daily Trust.
 Hua’s father said: “Of course I was very happy to learn that I was going to be a parent.”
Asked if he were able to, would he have another child now that the policy has been relaxed, his enthusiastic and emphatic response was: “Yes, definitely yes. I would have more. My child needs company. It’s not for us, but for her. My wife’s friend with a daughter the age of ours had a son too, six years after. Her mother’s thoughts were what would happen if their parents passed away. It won’t be good if she were alone in future. But for me, it was a rule; I was bound by it especially as a government worker. I didn’t have the choice to think otherwise.”
Ming’s mother said: “The first time I found out I was pregnant, I was very happy because I was married for almost one year before I finally got pregnant.”
The retiree added that: “I really did not miss not having another child. At the time, all my friends and people around all had one child. It didn’t feel unusual.”
With the policy relaxed, would she go for another child? “No, I wouldn’t have a second child. Caring for one child is enough. Even the one child we have, there were a lot of things to worry about, especially her education. It is not easy to raise a child,” she said.
She explained that the general contraceptive at that time was the use of condom. That was the most efficient way to prevent pregnancy.
Travel is quite an expensive venture and the girls don’t get to visit home as often as they would love to. Hua is able to visit her parents every two to three months while Ming visits twice a year since she started working.
Ming teased: “Every time I go home my mum complains, ‘your room is like a pigsty. It is so messy.’ And we laugh and have such a hearty quarrel. Sometimes I feel sorry I can’t be with them as often as I want to.
“I like travelling with them. It was difficult initially leaving them to go to school. It is a lot better now but anytime I visit, they get very emotional again,” she quips.
On their perception of the one child policy being relaxed, Ming said: “Raising children is difficult. You have to work twice as hard for two kids as you would for one. But I personally want to have more than one child.”