In search of courtesy

The act of having and showing good manners to others is a fact of courtesy. To be courteous is simply to be polite and kind in one’s interaction with others. It is not courtesy if a behavior is devoid of civility. Courtesy should be given without anyone asking for it; and returned (if possible) in […]

The act of having and showing good manners to others is a fact of courtesy. To be courteous is simply to be polite and kind in one’s interaction with others. It is not courtesy if a behavior is devoid of civility. Courtesy should be given without anyone asking for it; and returned (if possible) in terms better than we received it or at least in equally courteous terms. It is in the light of this that Allah (SWT) defines one significant aspect of courtesy in Qur’an 4:86 “when a (courteous) greeting is offered you, meet it with a greeting still more courteous, or (at least) of equal courtesy. Allah takes careful account of all things”.  It is on this basis that Islam considers greeting or salutation among two or more individuals as the beginning of courtesy.
According to the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad (SAW), courtesy demands from us to see our guests off to the door of our house.  Similarly, it is a prophetic act of courtesy to return good for a wrong or an evil.  A companion of the Prophet (SAW) once said “O Messenger of Allah! If I stop at a man’s place and he did not entertain me; am I to entertain him or act as he did to me if he thereafter stops at my house?”  The Prophet (SAW) said: “Entertain him”. Prophetic tradition, by the same token, considers it un-courteous for a guest to stay so long as to incommode his host.
For courtesy to reign particularly in our matrimonial life, privileges of norm or culture at times may have to step aside.  In very many African cultures (including some Muslim societies), the wife is more or less at the mercy of her husband’s chauvinistic instructions or judgments. It is almost a common frame of mind across races that, while the wife is always seen to be wrong even when she is right; the husband never errs.  This, of course, is against the prophetic principle of modesty, which teaches us to accept faults when we deviate or make mistakes. Men in their capacity as husbands should learn to say “I’m sorry” when they offend their wives.  It costs nothing to do that.  Husbands should learn to address their wives on every issue and in every circumstance with some sense of courtesy. Women as wives, too, must equally learn to be courteous in their demands especially those that are privileges.
When children desire to ask their parents for school fees or other domestic bills, they should do it with courtesy even though it is their right on the one hand as well as their parents’ duty on the other, to settle such.  It is part of courtesy for children to perform their routine or ad-hoc duties assigned to them without their parents necessarily reminding them to do so.  Brothers and sisters should also interact with mutual courtesy and without any undue molestation.
Public officers should attend to their clients or visitors in a courteous manner at their respective places of work. It is un-courteous of any public officer to shout disrespectfully at anyone especially applicants who have come to look for jobs that are not readily available. Applicants who have been turned in to “beggars” by bad governance still deserve some respect, at least for the sake of human dignity. The message of “No Job” can be passed in a polite way without necessarily harassing anyone. Allah (SWT) in Qur’an 93:10 states, “Nor repulse the beggar (unheard)”.
Teachers should be courteous in their students even in disciplinary situations. It is out of courtesy that students found guilty of offences punishable by expulsion are in a courteous expression “advised to withdraw”. Leaders should also lead with courtesy. A leader who says “I don’t give a damn” simply lacks courtesy. Allah (SWT) states in Qur’an 26:215 “And lower thy wing to the Believers who follow thee”. Landlords should handle their tenants with courtesy and vice versa.  It is not an act of courtesy for a tenant to refuse paying the rents he owes. 
In situations of congestion, whether in a commercial bus, at the stadium, hospital waiting room, at an ATM point or in the banking hall; courtesy demands that the young should stand for the older to sit just as men are expected to stand for women to sit. The strong should also stand for the weak or the sick to sit.  In matters like this, one is encouraged to let go his rights for courtesy to prevail.  Pride and arrogance are obstacles to courtesy and therefore must be eschewed. May Allah (SWT) grant us the ability to be chivalrous at all times, amin.