In support of the Brazil jamboree
The most powerful president in Africa needs occasional trips to give orders to subordinate sit-tight leaders like Angela Merkel and members of the young boys club such as Obama, Harper and the new French intern, Francois Hollande. Now President Jones has the oil capacity to summon the envoys of paper-tiger nations, but his modesty as […]
The most powerful president in Africa needs occasional trips to give orders to subordinate sit-tight leaders like Angela Merkel and members of the young boys club such as Obama, Harper and the new French intern, Francois Hollande. Now President Jones has the oil capacity to summon the envoys of paper-tiger nations, but his modesty as a properly raised native son of Otuoke, makes him a polite man. So, he invited himself to the only gathering on earth where these pretenders to global power gather. That way, on behalf of 160 million hecklers, he was able to demand from these boys (and girl) to relax their visa policies for citizens of Africa’s most populous nation.
That is necessary after realising that most of you have never stepped out of your backyard and have no idea how to properly treat royalty. The usual insults that social media and Naija ragsheets dish out to President Jones is unprecedented in the annals of monarchical etiquette. But for his good nature, many opinion writers and editors would have been lined up at the entrance of any northern Church on Sunday morning. In his magnanimity, President Jones has not responded to any of these stupid heckling even on his platform, Facebook, which Labaran Maku testified he brought to Naija and effectively used as a campaign medium.
Hecklers believe that just because of a few deaths in Kaduna and Zaria, the King should cancel all the Rio hotel bookings which helps cement the brotherhood between Brazil and Naija and is our own support for the survival of a struggling economy. Thank God it did not happen. What’s with 161 servants, is it the modesty that made the president not round it up to 200 or the fact that this is a ratio of 1:1 million that is making these people mad?
Twenty-five aides for the ruler of Africa’s most populous nation is nothing when you know a bit about presidential etiquette. A man wears an average of seven different types of clothing minus the accessories. There are trousers and socks; then the choice of which Naija-Delta outfit fits the mood, the weather, and the astrological prediction of the day. Then we have the custodian of the golden shoes to compensate for an infancy of shoe-lessness.
Then the keeper of the presidential fedora not to forget who chooses the underwear and who holds the mirror for the president and his Cinderella? Peasants have no idea of the intricacies of dressing royalty. If there is need for a presidential tear, we might need to invite the keeper of handkerchiefs. By far the most difficult is a Presidential toilet habit which I hear has changed since he changed his fisherman’s diet and embraced cassava bread and ofada rice. With diets like that, you need a different person to flush the toilet after each use.
Her Majesty’s needs are even more dainty than the King’s and yet she has only 18 aides. People underestimate how hard it is to find two standing legislooters with the fall of Mr. Integrity himself. Nobody pitied the selection process from a long line of ministers hungry for estacode. Nobody but the President knows how difficult it is to know whose backyard is good enough to be left alone among the governors. Governance is such a j-o-b. Then there is the need to look for Portuguese speaking bureaucrats from the ministries to translate both the Kyoto Protocol into Haiku and then Ijaw.
A good enough reason for trips is that naturally, when your backyard is polluted, you have the inalienable right to seek fresh air outside except of course you have chosen to die of severe constipation. Therefore, this trip is justified use of tax-payer’s money and since most people hardly pay tax, of oil money. Ironically those who are complaining have no oil. The complain that turns my stomach most is that somehow, President Jones’ presence at home would have scared Imam Shekau into calling off the Daraprin bloodbath and the reprisal attacks it engenders. Such conjectures are alien to contemporary history except we have forgotten that this nation is on auto pilot. As a Lagos Fuji crooner would sing, President Jones, maa lo moto, pim pim, maa bo moto pim pim.