In the other shoe

After a few more complains she finally bid her caller farewell. Looking up immediately after, Lami said to me:‘Assalamu alaikum, Anti Bint. My friend Jummai called just as I was taking the last turn towards this house, that’s why I broke your cardinal rule of ‘no driving and phoning’ and answered her because I believe […]

After a few more complains she finally bid her caller farewell. Looking up immediately after, Lami said to me:
‘Assalamu alaikum, Anti Bint. My friend Jummai called just as I was taking the last turn towards this house, that’s why I broke your cardinal rule of ‘no driving and phoning’ and answered her because I believe the area was safe enough. Unfortunately she kept asking more questions so I had to continue the call even after I reached your door. How are you and the family?’ She asked, rising from her seat to hug me.
 ‘We are well, Alhamdulillah. It’s not just my cardinal rule Lami, it is a sensible safety rule. You should have told her to call you back or just not answered and returned her call later. Anyway, thank God you’ve arrived safely. Now who is the coward you are ranting about?’ I asked.
‘Oh it’s Auwal, my husband. I had no idea he was such a full-blooded coward until the last few weeks. I tried all I could to get him to take me to meet his first wife but he refused. Every time I brought up the topic it’s as if I had treaded on a no-go area. He will promptly change the subject or even leave the scene. I just don’t know what is wrong with him. I mean she knows about our marriage doesn’t she? She knows I exist in flesh and blood doesn’t she? So why is he too afraid to take me to her and formally introduce us?’ Lami demanded.   
‘Calm down Lami, how long have you been married? Just two months. Allow him enough space to decide when to introduce you two. It’s his business not yours, you are not married to the woman, you are married to him.’ I advised.
‘No, you don’t understand. He has delayed this formal introduction for so long that we have already met twice on different family occasions and she didn’t seem so menacing that one will be that afraid of her.’ Lami observed.
‘Did you really meet his wife? When?’ I asked.
‘First was at the wedding of his younger sister which took place last month. Then at a naming ceremony when his brother’s wife had a child.’ Lami answered.
‘And how did she behave?’
‘Or she was quite civil. She smiled and extended her hand to me for a handshake.’ Lami replied, grudgingly.
‘Maybe she didn’t know who you were?’ I suggested.
‘Yes she did. At least Auwal’s sister, the bride, clearly introduced me as his new wife. As for me, I already knew what she looked like because I had seen her pictures a few times, so it wasn’t hard to recognize her as soon as I entered the room.’ She explained.
‘So since you’ve already met her what else do you want to go and do in her house? It is clearly a man who wants peace that makes sure to keep his wives in different homes. Why put him under stress?’ I demanded.
‘I am not trying to put him under stress Anti Bint. All I want is for him to take me there and formally introduce me as his new wife because that is the proper thing to do. But for some reason the very thought of that scares him. Traditionally, the new wife is always delivered to the senior wife on the very first day, even if they will be living in separate houses. Yet Auwal said that won’t be necessary since we had our separate homes. I asked when we will meet and he said he will handle that. And up to today he has not been able to do that. Earlier on he will give me excuses, now he just won’t say a thing but will change the subject instead. Maybe she told him she didn’t want to see me and he is too afraid to insist that we must meet.’ Lami lamented.
‘Look, did he or anyone else in the family ever tell you the kind of problems they were having before he decided to marry you?’ I asked her pointedly.
‘No, no one did. In fact in his own case he regularly told me that he was living happily and peacefully with his wife but he fell for me and since it was lawful in Islam, he decided to go for it.’ She explained.
‘In that case, I don’t think your husband is a coward. I think he is just the sensitive type. Any man who decides to take another wife will find it hard to flaunt her to his older wife because he knows the difficult situation he has put her into. It is the hardest thing in the world for a wife to know that her husband is involved with another woman. It is especially painful when you are supposed to be happily married with children, because then you would believe that you have done your best so your husband ought to be content to be with just you. But then he decides to marry another and your whole world will come tumbling down. A few sensitive ones will try their best to make it less painful by keeping everything low-profile, keeping the bride away from you and making sure they don’t involve you in the wedding. But the majority will say they are doing nothing unlawful and therefore subject you to all the pain and misery of a woman about to lose her man. I admire your husband for being among those who would try had to spare their wives the extra pain. You shouldn’t force him to mistreat his first wife Lami.’  I urged.
‘You call this mistreatment Anti? All I ask is that the man should give me my due respect by taking me there and telling her that I am his new lawfully-wedded wife, what is wrong with that?’ She protested.
‘What is wrong is that he isn’t ready to do just that yet, for reasons best known to him and you are not ready to understand that. If you would only try to put yourself in her place, yes be in her shoes for a moment you will know what I mean. Here is a wife who has lived peacefully with her husband for some time, then he decides to marry another over no fault of hers, how do you think she’ll feel? Rejected, betrayed, unloved etc. but on top of all that is the feeling that she has failed; that some kind of failure on her part must have caused him to stray and then meet another soul mate.
In such utter pain and confusion only a few first wives muster the will to remain peaceful with their husbands and even civil with their co-wives. I was greatly impressed when you said to me that she had greeted you and shaken your hands. There are many who will not even look your way even when you are introduced and there are others who will never be in the same place with you no matter what.’ I argued.
To be continued.