In the other shoe II

‘Really? But that’s outrageous, how can they be so uncivilized?’ Lamiasked .‘Maybe they sound uncivilized but they are just giving free reign to their feelings of pain and disappointment. You can never imagine what they go through because you are a beneficiary of their misfortune. This is why I asked you to put yourself in […]

‘Really? But that’s outrageous, how can they be so uncivilized?’ Lamiasked .
‘Maybe they sound uncivilized but they are just giving free reign to their feelings of pain and disappointment. You can never imagine what they go through because you are a beneficiary of their misfortune. This is why I asked you to put yourself in the place of any first wife, then you will understand the feelings of those who can’t stand their husband’s other wives. I am not saying that I subscribe to their behavior because I wouldn’t do that myself and I find it childish and lacking in tawakkul (total reliance on Almighty Allah in whatever befalls one) but I completely understand them. And that is what you should do.’ I advised.
‘Believe me Anti Bint I will not waste my time trying to understand people who will oppose what our Lord and Creator Himself decreed as lawful. These are women of weak faith obviously, women with little religious education. After all, our mothers and grandmothers all lived through and survived polygamy, why should it be a big deal with today’s women?’ She observed with disgust.
‘Again that’s easy for you to say because you are not a victim of the situation. It might seem like a sign of weak faith to you but believe me it signifies their struggle to accept what is unpleasant but lawful, in their own way. I have learnt, from talking to friends and relatives I had to   console after their husband’s had taken new wives, that all you have to do is remind them of the power of predestination to have them rethink their behavior.
By this I mean I always say to them, ‘You know what we were taught in school about iman (faith). We were told that it has six articles which include belief in Almighty Allah, belief in His angels, His prophets, His revealed books, the Day of Judgement and finally, predestination: whether good or evil. How can you now rebel against what was clearly predestined to happen? Do you know that if you refuse to accept your husband’s decision to marry you are rejecting this sixth article of faith? And this, in turn, invalidates your belief in all the others; because you have to believe in all of them to be a true Muslim.’
Usually when I tell them this, my friends make a U-turn and try to accept their situation. Because no one wants to lose his faith over some sad worldly event, one has to be concerned about the Hereafter. But it is not that they don’t know this, it’s usually that they are too pained to remember. As for your assertion that our mothers and grandmothers tolerated their co-wives and lived peacefully with them, this may be true in some cases, but not in all of them. Again the circumstances they lived their marriages were sometimes very different from ours.
For instance, in those days most husbands were neither friends nor companions. They were just husbands who had to be served and obeyed. His life revolved around the outdoors, trying to earn a living in order to feed the family. For laughter and companionship, he seeks fellow men because the wisdom then was that joking with a wife will make her disrespectful. In such a situation most women do not mind a second wife because she might end up being the companion they seek.
In her loneliness and with the demands of household chores and child-rearing, a first wife generally felt that another female in the house might come in handy. That was why they called their co-wives ‘abokiyarzama’ a living companion. And then the men, on their part also respected marital hierarchy, they usually will not allow the new wife to disrespect their first wife and get away with it. They were firm in enforcing discipline and harmony in their homes.
Now compare this with today’s husbands. They tend to be your friends and soul mates. You share everything when the going is a good. The two of you have no better companion than each other. How then can you accept to share this kind of spouse? How can you allow that when it could mean that you will no longer be his friend, companion and soul mate? Again when it comes to actual act of living in a polygamous arrangement, today’s men don’t know the nitty-gritty of it.
They don’t encourage respect for the senior wife, in fact most of them actually tell their new wives to do whatever they liked because they are equal to that senior woman a hundred percent. Others will try a bit of justice but at the first sign of trouble they will forsake their first wife and flee. They will not stand their ground and insist on proper discipline. Now all these combined make it difficult for the modern woman to accept another wife in her husband’s life.’ I concluded.
‘Look Anti, if we spend the whole of today arguing, I cannot see things from your point of view. In any case that is not my problem, I couldn’t care less what first wives feel when their husbands marry again due to all  the reasons I had mentioned earlier. My problem is that I am married to a coward, and I can’t bear the thought of living with a man who is too scared of his wife to properly show me off.’ Lami complained.
‘And I’ve been trying to tell you that he is not a coward but merely the sensitive kind. He obviously doesn’t want to upset his wife and is biding his time, seeking the right moment to bring you two face to face.‘ I countered.
‘But why should her feelings matter more to him than mine? I just want to meet her, I do not want to share her house or her life but just to be given my rightful recognition; is that too much to ask?’ she demanded.
‘Yes it is, if your husband isn’t ready to do it. Look this man knows best what she’s been going through, from the moment she found out about you to date. It is very likely that she had to endure a lot more heartache than you can ever imagine. And I am not just talking about what transpired between the two of them. I am talking about heartache from third parties as well. Friends and in-laws are always ever ready to descend on a woman whose husband is taking another wife because they often believe that she had been unduly favoured. A first wife gets to hear what she never imagined she would ever hear about herself because third parties couldn’t wait to make mince meat of her flesh. A friend once confided in me that she couldn’t recognize herself when she heard about the mean, quarrelsome and avaricious human being her in-laws said she was, after her husband took a second wife. In fact she kept telling me ‘I thought the worst thing that could happen was the fact that my husband had gone polygamous but this character assassination is worse than anything I knew.’
For all you know, Auwal’s first wife might have gone through all these travails and therefore needs time to get used to her husband’s new status. And if he’s aware that third parties had made her life a living hell, a sensitive husband will try to give her a break by not pushing you down her throat. Try and understand this Lami dear.’ I urged.
‘So what should I do now while I’m waiting for her to be ready to meet me and waiting for my husband to find the perfect time?’ she asked, dejectedly.
‘One thing you can do is to forget about the whole thing and concentrate on being a good wife to your husband, he is the one you are married to. But if you find that you are obsessed with the idea of stepping foot into her house, then try reaching out to her by sending gifts to her children. Any time Auwal is going there send some sweets, some toys or even books to them. These gestures could melt her heart and make her more keen to meet you directly. But please stop calling him a coward, if he was he wouldn’t have married you, believe me.’ I advised, squeezing her hand to assure her.