IN TIMES LIKE THESE…

It happens to each one of us. The roads kill you. The planes kill you. The robbers kill you. The Boko Haram kill you. The security forces kill you. Then the leaders kill you by stealing from you. And steal again and again. At 4.00am to be precise. And then those you advocate for (your […]

It happens to each one of us. The roads kill you. The planes kill you. The robbers kill you. The Boko Haram kill you. The security forces kill you. Then the leaders kill you by stealing from you. And steal again and again. At 4.00am to be precise. And then those you advocate for (your fellow struggling proletariat) also try to do you in (we all remember the July 10, 1981, Kano Rampage when my namesake and teacher, Dr. Bala Mohammed, then late Kano Governor Rimi’s political adviser, was murdered by the so-called masses). It happens every time.

Such as what happened to your columnist less than 48 hours ago, wallahi. This Thursday at 7.30pm, I joined the queue at a petrol station called FO (formerly AP) on the junction of Aguiyi Ironsi and IBB Way in Maitama, Abuja. After some wait, I reached the head of the queue and two attendants, male and female, started attending to me. I asked for Eight Thousand Naira worth of petrol. While the female started to dispense the fuel, the male tried to distract me. She dispensed fuel worth One Hundred Naira, then stopped, claiming that because of the rain that had just fallen the fuel had condensed and she had to re-crank the engine! She did.

She resumed serving, but then stopped at Seven Thousand Naira. I reminded her I had asked for Eight Thousand Naira worth. Wallahi without kunya or shame, with corruption-laden bravado, these poor, wretched, bedraggled fellow strugglers said to me: “The earlier fuel was for One Thousand Naira”. And wallahi it was One Hundred Naira. I told them I had indeed been to school, and I knew how many zeros would make a thousand, and how many a hundred. And I checked my tank, it seemed exactly One Thousand Naira short. I made such a scene and, realising I knew what I was doing, they resumed dispensing and completed my fuel. I went round and, in my loudest voice (and this Column is another loud medium), informed other customers to beware. Inna lilLahi wa inna ilaiHi raji’un. “Wallahi mun shiga uku mun lalace!”

Now, then, who does one sue if this Nigerian situation gives one High Blood Pressure? HBP is a done deal for each and every one of us who really cares about this country. This time, the ‘Ayes’ really have it. And if you don’t get it, you don’t have it. And if by now you have not deciphered who owns FO, which should be so apparently obvious, then you don’t know $620,000. And you don’t know 4.00am. And you don’t know the meaning ‘diminutive’.

We are blighted in this country. We indeed seem to be. There’s no more any other explanation. I believe, like One Hundred Percent of Nigerians, that those accused of murdering sleep at 4.00am are guilty. Yea, two of them. Nay, all of them five hundred plus. Yea, even before any trial. I believe so. You believe so. There is no need for any benefit of doubt. Because there is no dounbt. I don’t have it. You don’t have it. The 4.00am video has it. The Ayes have it.

As stated on this page in the recent past, your writer does not bet, but this time is ready to bet you that he is 99% sure that the current investigation will also just fizzle out over time. It is in our character. Fizzling is. Time heals all wounds, but in Nigeria the saying should be ‘time heals all corruption and makes us all forget it ever happened’. Almost all Nigerians have lost confidence (if they ever had) in the National Assembly, in the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC), in the Independent Corrupt Practices Commission (ICPC), in the Nigerian Judiciary, in the Nigerian Police, and in the Executive.

The bane of fighting corruption in Nigeria is in the punishment. As long as people would steal and get away with no more than a pat on the wrist, people will continue to steal, wallahi.  We will continue repeating that the Chinese have the ultimate solution for graft: one looter, one bullet. We remember a few years ago when China executed the corrupt head of their equivalent of our NAFDAC. He had authorised, for monetary inducement, the licensing of fake drugs which ultimately harmed their citizens. He was found out, tried, convicted, had all his assets forfeited to government, and shot. The heirs would not even inherit the loot.

Bribery in Hausa is called ‘cin hanci’. I have no idea how such an audacious act came to be associated with this piece of anatomy, hanci (nose). Be that as it may, my religion, noting the gravity of thievery, decrees the amputation of the hand (up to the wrist) for thieves of a certain amount, and a right hand and left foot (or death, depending) for armed robbers. In this particular case, and the cases before it, we must ask that these be-suited, agbada’d and babbar-riga’d violent robbers have their hands cut off, plus their noses, hanci. For cin hanci.

And now, this ‘Obituary’ that has gone viral on Nigeria’s discussion groups:

“RIP, FUEL SUBSIDY PROBE REPORT: With heaviness of heart and gratitude to NASS for a life short lived, we, members of the National Order of Cabalocrats and Sacred Cows of Nigeria, announce the call to glory of our loving Father, Uncle, Husband, Brother, etc, Chief Fuel Subsidy Probe Report, whose sad demise occurred recently in a fatal video accident.

“Although the enemies have done their worst, as your death, clearly, is no ordinary death, we, your family, friends and political associates, are comforted by our certainty that you have gone to rest in the bosom of the Villa and in the celestial company of other faithfully departed probe reports such as the Power Sector Probe Report, the Siemens Probe Report, the Halliburton Probe Report, and the Pension Fund Probe Report.

“We are further comforted by the fact that you will certainly be joined by the SEC Probe Report and the Malabu Oil Probe Report, as soon as both reports are ready. We love you but they want to hide you better. Sleep well, till we part to meet no more.

“Survived by Family: (Aso Rock – Aged Father; Our Party’s National Secretariat – Grand Uncle; National Assembly – Uncle); Associates and Beneficiaries: (Oil cartel members of Two Trillion Naira; 4.00am dollar politicians; and many other dishonourables too numerous to mention.

“Funeral arrangements as announced by the family (as above).”

The Ayes have it, again.