Is bad mouthing your partner or ex worth the drama?

Relationships come with their ups and downs and roses as well. During those ups and downs, we all look for a way out. For some of us the escape route in which we find succour is bad mouthing our partners. A lot of the things we say at such times are things that should never […]

Relationships come with their ups and downs and roses as well. During those ups and downs, we all look for a way out. For some of us the escape route in which we find succour is bad mouthing our partners.
A lot of the things we say at such times are things that should never be said outside the confines of the two parties directly involved.
Some of them include things like ‘he/she doesn’t live up to the expectations of the marriage or relationship’; I don’t like the way he/she dresses; he/she has dirty habits and so on. In most relationships, when things don’t end as planned, what follows are hurt, resentment, anger, need to be vengeful, dejection and heartbreak. These are normal emotions at such times. But what matters is how you decide to channel them and that decision is also instrumental to how well and fast you heal.
Ofune Apugo believes that: “The irony of people who indulge in such is that when their aim is to provoke sympathy from their listeners, their actions end up turning against them. They lose their friends in the process. Sensible people who listen to such nonsense are not likely to want to maintain acquaintances with such a person who runs his or her mouth without weighing their words and knowing the right forum to say the things they do.”
Words they say are like an egg. Once it cracks it cannot be recovered. “Sometimes after they have badmouthed to their fill, they start feeling sorry, and wish they could take back the words,” says Ik Imafidon. “Sadly, it is always too late. These words then form the bane of major enmity which occurs between the parties,” he adds.
Varying in his views, Emmanuel Anyim says badmouthing is what a lot of people do even while they are still in the relationship.  “And one wonders how they are able to face their partners after the utterances they make. I’d say the male are the more guilty party in this. In the company of friends some foolishly publicise intimate details of their relationships. The question I have asked on such occasions is ‘if it were such a public event and good enough for public knowledge, why didn’t you take her to the city centre so that all and sundry would have a fill of their eyes and appetite.’ I waste no time in telling guys who do this that there is absolutely nothing cool about bringing down their women in this manner.
“Men should also realise that the thumbs up and cheers they get when they do such things are very insincere except they get them from small minded people like themselves. No responsible man who has any regards for his mother would sit through and listen to such crap. Guys it is absolutely not cool and rather repulsive to do things like this.”
In her piece, ‘Why You Shouldn’t Badmouth Your Ex’, Melissa D’Costa quotes Varkha Chulani, clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, as saying: “When a relationship falls apart, a mature individual instinctively chooses to keep the details confidential, while there are a few who go to town mud-slinging each other.”
Clinical psychologist and traumatologist, Dr SeemaHingorrany, adds: “Relationships require hard work. When a couple invests emotionally in their relationship, there’s an obvious sense of loss and a sinking void when the relationship is over. This often causes emotional turbulence and thus anger and resentment simmer like lava. What people need to remember is that mud-slinging will only reflect badly on themselves. The best thing to do is put the negative feelings aside and start over.”
Chulani notes that there are a number of reasons people badmouth their partners after their relationships have failed. In many cases self-defence is the major reason. Finger pointing is a self-defence mechanism which many have employed to rid themselves of all blames. Some people find it easier to deal with it when they are perceived as the marginalised ones in the relationship. 
Badmouthing is also a means by which we elevate our self-worth. When we put people down especially when we have an audience, it massages our egos and gives us an air of importance. For some people, it also makes them feel better.
Why silence is golden
Chulani says: “People need to understand that they don’t need to justify to others what went wrong in the relationship. If you meet or run into your ex, the best thing to do is to stick to pleasantries and move on. If you have common friends, who bring up the topic at a get together, politely tell them that you would not like to discuss this topic as it’s extremely private and ask them to respect that.”
How to deal with negative feelings
It’s not advisable to discuss your relationships with everyone or say any bad things about your ex behind his back. They are bound to find out sooner or later, and it doesn’t make you look like a very nice person. Also consider, out of respect for yourself and your ex, that you probably don’t want everyone to know your business. Refrain from engaging in battles of one-upmanship. If you don’t have anything good to say about your ex, don’t say anything at all. Learn to focus your anger on positive outlets.
While it is assumed that our friends and family have a sympathetic ear to listen to another’s intimate troubles, it is also leaving the door open to have those words come back to haunt you. At the worst, the person who is doing the listening may even grab the opportunity to see your spouse or partner behind your back, if the listener knows your spouse well enough to do so. By speaking too much about your spouse on the wrong things, you can very well exacerbate any real trouble you have in the relationship. What may appear to be as a real issue is simply trivial.
Even if a friend comments that her husband doesn’t do everything she wants him to do, it is not the best idea to chime in and claim your spouse is just like that. Of course, you can silently nod your head in agreement, but it is unnecessary to mention that your spouse is no better than your friend’s spouse.
However, is taking a mature stand demanding a lot from a person who is heartbroken? The answer to this question varies according to the individual and the situation he/she is dealing with. D’Costa spoke to Sonia Walia, a travel executive who said: “When my ex cheated on me, I went through a phase of anger, resentment and self-pity. I lashed out at him and indulged in gossip sessions with my gal pals, as I used that as a way to get back at him for what he had done to me. However, now that I look back, I realise I should have handled the situation with more dignity. Easier said than done because when emotions are involved, logic takes a backseat.”