It’s your funeral

‘How far with the Shepherd’s pie?’ I asked her retreating figure. ‘It’s coming on fine.’ Ummi turned back to reply to me, with an assuring smile. ‘MashaAllah, she is all grown up, isn’t she? It’s hard to believeshe’s a University student now. It seemed like only yesterday when Ummi was running all over the place […]

‘How far with the Shepherd’s pie?’ I asked her retreating figure. ‘It’s coming on fine.’ Ummi turned back to reply to me, with an assuring smile. ‘MashaAllah, she is all grown up, isn’t she? It’s hard to believe
she’s a University student now. It seemed like only yesterday when Ummi was running all over the place as a little girl. And now she is even making Shepherd’s pie for you?’ Hauwa asked, playfully.
‘Yes it’s her contribution to our iftar meal for today. We are observing the sittu Shawwal, you know, the six days’ voluntary fasts after Ramadan. So she offered to make it and I gladly accepted. It’s one of my favourite foreign dishes. Luckily Ummi loves to cook so I just give the order and wait for it to be served. Yesterday we had fish loaf for iftar. I don’t know what she will think of tomorrow but I am not complaining.’ I joked.
‘How nice’ Hauwa observed, wistfully. ‘My daughter can’t even fry chips, let alone make something as complicated as Shepherd’s pie.’
‘You mean she isn’t interested in cooking?’ I asked.
‘Frankly I don’t even know if she is. All I know is that her father wouldn’t let either her or her younger siblings do anything in our house. He says that’s what we are paying the house helps to do. The few times I had protested that she was a girl who should learn how to run a house, he had argued that there was enough time for her to learn later  so I should let her be.’ Hauwa explained.
‘How old is she now?’ I enquired.
‘She is 15 years old.’ Hauwa replied.
‘But this isn’t right. If a girl can’t do any household chores by the time she is 15 when will she learn to do them? You have to insist on getting both her and her siblings to start joining you in the kitchen to cook and clean. Also get them to start cleaning their rooms and making their beds. If they don’t start now they will never do them later. This is the whole idea behind catching them young.’ I argued.
‘That’s what I thought too but their father seems to think I’m a slave-driver who is being too hard on his darling angels. I don’t want them to think the same thing too.’ She argued.
‘So what if your children think you are a slave-driver? You are their mother and they ought to know that you will never do anything to hurt them and even if they don’t realize that now, one day they will understand that what you did was for their own good. And they will thank you for it.’ I countered.
‘You don’t understand Bint. My husband personally calls them and sets them free whenever I assign chores to them, just to make the point that they are not obligated to do such work. It’s at times like this
that he asks me what my house helps are for that I should bother his children with work.’ Hauwa explained.
‘Well with all due respect Hauwa, your husband is wrong and you have to make him see that. There is no way you will bring up children who totally depend on others for everything and think that you are treating them right. You have to make them self-reliant because they will one day go into the big world out there and find themselves unable to cope. It will be a disservice to them.’ I lectured.
‘You are right Bint and I wish I can get him to see things that way.
But why don’t you come to our house and talk to him? Maybe coming from you he will see the sense in it.’  Hauwa urged.
‘No way Hauwa, this is a battle you have to fight on your own. Any intervention by me will seem like an interference. Both your husband and children know that you love them and any strict measures you may
take will not be misconstrued. You just have to rise up to them. You have to stamp your feet down and insist on a few house rules.’ I advised.
‘It’s not as easy as you think Bint. I have tried that a few times in the past. Just when I began to enforce something their father will overrule me and say it isn’t necessary. Sometimes I feel like a fool standing there insisting that they had to do some things and the next minute my husband will say the exact opposite. It reached a stage whereby I had to lobby him to do anything that involves disciplining them because he can just overturn the whole thing and make me their laughing-stock.’ Hauwa complained.
‘This sounds more serious than I think Hauwa. But the thing to do now is to talk to your husband and I do not mean lobbying him to agree to the house rules, no, I mean by appealing to his sense of reasoning.
You just remind him that you two have a duty to bring up your children the right way and unless he joins you, you won’t succeed. Tell him that his parenting style is deficient since it does not involve making your children self-reliant and preparing them for the harsh realities of life.
Remind him that no condition is permanent so if tomorrow you find yourselves in a situation that forces you to stay without servants, how will your daughters cope? Urge him to remember his own childhood, did his parents allow him to do nothing at home because they have servants to do it? Did they let him have his way on everything because they didn’t want him punished? How did he get to be so successful in life if all he did was to eat and sleep as a child? There is every likelihood that he worked very hard as a child but through some queer wisdom he thinks he can shield his kids from the same difficult fate because he is now rich. Make him see that he is spoiling them and that is not good for them. In fact no spoilt child can ever be as successful in life as your husband currently is, it takes much more than luck to reach there.’ I concluded.
‘Yes, I will try that Bint. That might work because I don’t think he’d like the idea that his children might not be as successful as he is.’
She agreed.
‘Do you mean that this is the only reason he will let you give your children a good upbringing, the fact that they may end up lower in status than him?’ I asked in anger. At just that point Ummi walked in with a steaming piece of Shepherd’s pie, on a side-plate, next to fork.
‘The pie is ready Aunty’ Ummi said to Hauwa ‘I wondered whether you’d like a bite.’ She added handing the plate over to Hauwa.
‘Thank you very much Ummi. I can be your royal-tester as well since you won’t be able to eat until you break your fast.’ She joked taking a bite. ‘This is absolutely delicious, I have to invite you to teach Larai.’ Hauwa said to Ummi, referring to her first daughter.
‘Yes, that’s the attitude. I want you to go home determined to drag your daughters to the kitchen, if need be, and have them learn to cook. Ummi will be glad to teach them this recipe and the few others that she knows but they must start learning now. As for their father, remind him that your children are trusts to you from Almighty Allah and you will be held to account for how you discharged that trust.
Therefore bringing them up the right way is an obligation on you both, not just a way of making them rich and successful.
For your part, you have to forge ahead even without your husband’s support to train and discipline your children. In any case, if they turned out badly-behaved, it is you who will be blamed for negligence, no one will remember their father at such times. In addition to that you will have to live with their insolence and laziness. Either way it is your funeral Hauwa so you have to decide how to check it.’ I warned.
‘Yes, I believe so Bint and with this pie as a delicious incentive, I will rush home and start being a slave-driving mum right away.’ She resolved, smiling.