Jonathan, Buhari and 2015

I start missing Nigeria the moment I land in another country. There are only few places on the surface of the earth where people man diametrically opposed corners as in Nigeria. The first thing one misses is the high-decibel contentious struggle among ordinary people to win arguments by wrestling the opponent to the ground through […]

I start missing Nigeria the moment I land in another country. There are only few places on the surface of the earth where people man diametrically opposed corners as in Nigeria. The first thing one misses is the high-decibel contentious struggle among ordinary people to win arguments by wrestling the opponent to the ground through the use of half-truths, blackmail, hyperbole, manicured truth, libel, verbal acrobatics and more.
In these days of politics, there is no shortage of arguments. It seems that is our national pastime. Shortly after returning to base, jet lag and all, I honoured a friend’s invitation to an elbow-raising exercise. After his routine “Cheers, and welcome back”, we settled down to free entertainment coming from the direction of some thirtyish-looking men. First was an argument as to who was the best among the horde of young musicians – Davido, Wizkid, Don Jazzy, Ice Prince, Flavour, Iyanya, Tiwa Savage, Dr SID, Timaya, DBanj, Tuface, Olamide , etc. Predictably, there were as many opinions as the interlocutors.
Then one of them who seemed to be losing the argument about the musicians cleverly changed the subject to politics — and we were treated to a free Nigerian political show, better than most of the sponsored offerings on television. Let’s leave out the crowd of interjectors who were mere ‘passengers’ in the argument and concentrate on the two most irreconcilable fellows. I call them Doc and Vin.
Doc: We can argue as we like about music, but politics is clearer. Jonathan will be re-elected in 2015. Who wants to take a bet?
Vin: Nonsense! Nigeria cannot survive another four years of Jonathan’s misrule.
Doc: There you go. What has Jonathan done wrong? Jonathan has done well in spite of all the problems created for his government by his opponents.
Vin: What problems?
Doc: Most of the problems Nigeria is facing today were created by the opposition. We know them!
Vin: I feel sorry for you Jonathan supporters. You are marketing a bad product. You think up excuses to explain the sheer incompetence of your president.
Doc: That’s a lie. Jonathan is one of the best presidents Nigeria has ever had. That was how people insulted Mandela, Obama, Mahatma Gandhi and other great leaders through history.
Vin: (Laughs) Another big lie. Even you his supporters suffer from the same affliction of inferiority complex. You compare Jonathan to Obama? Ah, the Americans ought to sue you for libel! A president that sends contractors to buy arms with a private jet when official channels and air force jets are lying fallow — why won’t Boko Haram overrun our towns?
Doc: Every sensible Nigerian ought to be supporting our troops who are doing a great job instead of allowing their hatred for President Jonathan to becloud their reasoning.
Vin: Nigerians don’t need your persuasion to support their troops. It is the commander-in-chief that must be changed to a competent man.
Doc: How do you define competence? Haven’t you seen the giant strides in agriculture, the airport rehabilitation, fresh foreign direct investments, rehabilitated roads and other great achievements? You are so biased that you can’t see anything else but evil.
Vin: Jonathan is leading a government of liars.
Doc: It is Buhari and Tinubu and all the other people in opposition that are liars.
Vin: First your govern-ment said it was negotiating with Boko Haram through third parties and that the Chibok girls would be returned within one week. Then they said two weeks. Now they say there was never a negotiation. But Shekau had denied their claims all along.There is so much disconnect in this government. Jonathan has devalued the presidency. Let him just manage till 2015.
Doc: So that your Buhari can bring back his notorious Decree 4 and implement his Islamic agenda?
Vin: I was expecting you to play the usual religious card that Jonathan’s government plays. You want to demonise Muslims because of Boko Haram. Do you think Jonathan can do without the votes of Muslims? Bihari will make a more credible, competent and incorruptible president any day.  
Doc: Jonathan is the most criticised president in the history of Nigeria. You people think you can harass him out of power? I have news for you: he will win in 2015.
Vin: God forbid! You check out the parameters: competence, probity, comportment, reliability, decisiveness … Buhari is head and shoulders above Jonathan.
Doc: Are you God? How can you say that Jonathan will lose?
Vin: You are the one playing God by saying Jonathan will win. Surely God can’t hate Nigeria that much to make us suffer another four years of befuddling incompetence.
Doc: You are the type of people described by the President of CAN as …
Vin: (Interrupts) Don’t bring that contractor into the argument. President of CAN? A renter of private jet to arms dealers and advertiser of hatred among adherents of different faiths?
Doc: “Speak no evil of my anointed”, that is what the Bible says. You are condemning yourself by speaking evil against the man of God.
Vin: Emotional blackmail. Who made him man of God? Please talk like an intelligent man. Anyway, all these freeloaders will go into oblivion as soon as Buhari is sworn in as president in 2015.
Doc: Wishful thinking.
Vin: In 2015 it will be Buhari for change.
Doc: Nonsense. Jonathan for continuity! If you doubt, let’s have a bet.
Vin: 419. How can I bet with a serial liar?
As we sauntered out of the noisy enclave, a particularly mischievous friend told me he had saved the best for the last. Bringing out his phone, he showed me Igodomigodo’s reaction to the withdrawal of Speaker Tambuwal’s security aides by the police IG:
“Whatever may be the oracular oration of the police in denuding Tambuwal of his security apparatchik, this is one diaphanous exempli gratia of scabrous impunity, institutional desecration and executive apacheism which must be pooh-poohed by all compos mentis Homo sapiens and it’s hereby pooh-poohed and remains pooh-poohed….”