JOYS, SADNESSES OF NIGERIA AT 51
“Our system has collapsed.” Not, don’t quote me, quote the President himself. He has said the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but politics. Doctors are killing us, he says. There are no statistics to know the truth of any figures, he says. Directors don’t come to the office at 8am, he says, and he […]
“Our system has collapsed.” Not, don’t quote me, quote the President himself. He has said the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but politics. Doctors are killing us, he says. There are no statistics to know the truth of any figures, he says. Directors don’t come to the office at 8am, he says, and he is not a mad man to chase them with a big stick breaking their heads. And he is not a lion; neither is he a tiger. He is just a Transformer. Hug him!
But is it all doom and gloom? It has to be, if our own President says so. A typical politician wants to hear all praise, but here is one politician being frank to our faces. But then, is there no silver lining in our cloud of uncertainty? What of those few but small things that make people survive in this country of extremes? We shall be awash, over this weekend, with stories of the nation’s negativities. But let us balance:
JOY: The Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC) petrol stations being established all over the country are one good silver lining. Most of their pumps are correctly calibrated, and the other day I filled my car tank with N5,200 from reserve, instead of the more than N6,000 I usually spend at a typical, civilian petrol station. You want to tell me ‘government has no business in business’? Go hug a Transformer!
SADNESS: On the flip side, for the millions without cars, how do they survive in the only country with major cities without metred taxis? In Abuja, with 20,000 green cabs registered, not one of these taxis has metre. So the taxi drivers charge whatever they want and nobody taxes them (except for the local and annual dues they supposedly pay). The bigger thieves are Abuja airport taxis who, just to get you into town, charge you half the airfare you paid from Kano. But the biggest culprit is the Federal Capital Territory (FCT) Administration which can’t put public buses on the Abuja to Airport route. (It is alleged that the Airport Taxi Lobby Group grease many FCT palms for that not to happen). Abuja (and Lagos and Kano and Port Harcourt) must have metred taxis to compete with comparable cities worldwide.
JOY: Ja’iz Bank has been incorporated. This non-interest bank, the first of its kind in Nigeria, is gearing up to start business. Many unlettered pastors (unlettered in the Biblical prohibition of usury, that is) poured venom and fire and brimstone on the very idea of non-interest banking which is contained in the Bible. Now all is quite on the Halleluyah front. The last we heard is that a similar Christian Bank will soon be established. Such a bank will be highly welcome. Muslims will be happy to have more than one choice of non-interest banking.
SADNESS: Nigerian leaders and politicians are leaks. Shame on them! They confide in the Americans even our most hidden secrets such as the illness of our President. Kudos to Wikileaks, the action of which may now make our leaders think twice (if they think at all), before cosying up to the American Ambassador or political officer at that Independence Cocktail of Country XYZ. (And to my friends at the American Embassy, I didn’t tell you anything, did I ever? Not that I’m important enough to be leaked!)
JOY: Of the estimated 90 million cellular phones held by 150 million Nigerians, 70 million have been registered in the just-concluded SIM registration exercise. Success! But when it started, it seemed the registration could well have been done, and ought to have been, by the service providers themselves. They were doing a good job of it when the National Communications Commission (NCC), desiring a piece of the pie, went to the National Assembly and got billions of Naira appropriated for the very same thing. Now that about 20 million lines are unregistered, and apparently held by kidnappers and other no-gooders, let us see what the NCC and the National Assembly will do. And we should expect some change back from our money. And one day the deal will Wikileak!
SADNESS: Where else but here (a black man’s country) that you will be driving in the night, which is itself dark, on a dark road (as there is no street light) and you encounter policemen, who are naturally dark, dressed in dark uniforms, holding dark guns, with dark and sinister motives, asking dark questions. Whenever I encounter such scenes, I recite non-stop what the Prophet of Islam Muhammad (upon whom be peace) had taught us as the ultimate survival prayer (to recite when fearful of a group of people, be they militants or military): ‘Allahumma inna naj’aluka fi nuhurihim, wa na’uzu bika min shururihim’: (O Allah, we place You in front of them, and we seek Your protection against their evil). Stray bullet is evil!
JOY: Hurray! We are generating 4,005 megawatts of electricity. Excellent figure! Especially the five on top! That way, should we ever slip back a bit, we just shed the five megawatts and we are home and dry with 4,000. Never mind those South Africans with their 40,000 plus megawatts. Or those Iranians with 60,000. Or those Brazilians with 108,000. We are catching up. Yes, we are! You just wait. We will even host the World Cup one day. And the Olympics too. Who says electricity is a yardstick for hosting rights?
SADNESS: The incessant attacks using corrosive acid by young men on young women (for purportedly unrequited overtures) on our campuses has reached alarming proportions. We read about one recently at Ahmadu Bello University (ABU) Zaria and just recently another at Federal (now Modibbo Adama) University of Technology, Yola. Only one thing, and one thing only, can stop this wickedness in its tracks: an eye for an eye. Any young man who does that to a young woman should also be doused with similar acid in the same body part. And let his own parents handle the medical bills. And while we are at it, those male students who allegedly raped a young female student at the Abia State University, Uturu (ABSU) should lose their boyhood kawai! (Change Boy to Man and you get it!)
JOY: “Nigeria among ten fastest growing economies in Africa”, reports News Agency of Nigeria, NAN, from the United Nations Economic Commission for Africa (UNECA) in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. Our economy is growing 6.9%. What accomplishment! What progress! But hold it! Do you know THE fastest-growing economies in Africa? Ghana is first, with 12%; Ethiopia second, with 10%; and DR Congo (yes, war-ravaged DR Congo) is third with 8.4%. Still, some good news that. Ghana must really go!
(Now, I have run out of Joys, and have more Sadness: ASUU again! Jos again! Tafa again! WAEC and NECO again!).
Oh! I remember one last Joy: everybody says Government must provide employment to our ‘teeming’ youths. One Governor just did that by employing 1,000 plus aides. And everybody is castigating him. What do you want him to do? Employ just 51? Happy Birthday Nigeria!