Keeping hope alive in childless marriage
Life has been very unbearable as my in-laws have made it very frustrating due to my inability to have a child after six years of marriage. My husband and I have been certified fit to have children, but have not been blessed yet by the Almighty. “Life has been very difficult as even friends see […]
Life has been very unbearable as my in-laws have made it very frustrating due to my inability to have a child after six years of marriage. My husband and I have been certified fit to have children, but have not been blessed yet by the Almighty.
“Life has been very difficult as even friends see my situation as a source of fun and scornful remarks. I am really in a confused state and have on several occasions thought of opting out of the marriage. I’m in a fix. How do I survive this trying period in my life?” These were the words of Mrs Christy Nwachukwu, who wrote to Womanhood to narrate her ordeal.
“When will you give us the good news?” Most married women have been asked this dreaded question within the first three months of their marriage. But when the ‘good news’ takes more than the average time to come along, more often than not, relatives begin to cast anxious looks and make obvious hints – in some insensitive families, it is outright attack on the fertility of the woman.
Being childless can affect any marriage in many ways; it could be positive and negative. It could lead to a divorce or it could be an avenue to create a stronger bond between the couple than ever before. Not everyone has the desire to become a parent, but for those who do, being unable to conceive is definitely a painful experience. The woman in this kind of marriage experiences the pain more as much pressure is put on her forgetting that no woman would want to be in a marriage that cannot produce children. Also, she is not the one that decides when she wants to be pregnant but the Almighty! It’s so absurd that people still blame women for the childless condition in a marriage in this day and age.
Childlessness affects a marriage differently and from couple to couple. For some, it brings them closer and it is believed that any couple that survives the trials of being childless can survive anything together as there is almost nothing more painful than a childless marriage. And for some couples, being childless can ultimately be the end of their marriage as they over time do not seem to be the same, especially if family members keep mounting unnecessary pressure on them. This situation could cause grievous pain, shame and the blaming game begins on whose fault it is that the marriage is childless.
The inability to have children can be one of the greatest challenges that a woman or couple can ever face. It affects people emotionally, physically and financially. It can place tremendous stress on a couple’s relationship and on their relationships with families and friends.
On the physical level, the experience of being examined and tested monthly, weekly or even daily is embarrassing, exhausting and very expensive. Many childless couples become depressed and anxious. The strain in the marriage and among family members sometimes becomes unbearable. The self-esteem of one or both partners plummets. They often feel lonely, sad and angry. The long series of disappointments that many of them experience can cause a numbing effect and depression could set in.
A childless marriage can affect the marriage as unnecessary arguments begin to brew and fingers are being pointed and blames are put on everyone. Tension will definitely come between the couple, but it can be avoided or coped with. Even in the face of infertility, it is important to keep the lines of communication open rather than keep the hurts inside. These experiences often make the childless couple to feel like failure. The feelings come up each time there isn’t any missed periods or when yet another friend or acquaintance announces a pregnancy or newborn. What married couples have to understand when faced with this situation is that it’s not the end of the world.
If adopting a child is not an option, it’s best to accept your fate and move on with life. Being content with what you have in life is the right attitude. Marriage counselling will be a great help as well in order to have a better understanding of your situation. Keep in mind that sharing one’s emotions and thoughts with a trustworthy person is an effective way of relieving anxieties.
Childless couples can always lead a happy life if they want to. How? There are steps they can take to keep their marital bond strong amid life’s trials.
First, avoid putting the blame on your partner. While it may be difficult to accept your fate that you won’t ever have an offspring, facing the truth is the only way to go. Blaming your spouse won’t help but will only lead to more guilty feelings and depression. And by the way, who says you can’t be a parent? If adoption is not an option for you, try and involve yourself with children of the family, in the neighbourhood or in your social organisation who will benefit from your time and interest. It will also give you the joy of surrogate parenthood.
Accept your situation and other people will eventually learn to accept it too. And, at the end of it all, so what if you don’t have kids? You have each other. Cherish, love and deepen the bonds that tie you both. There’s a lot more in life that you haven’t experienced yet! By the way, friends and relations should be supportive rather than being scornful and making jests about a couple’s childless situation.
Remember that nothing is permanent in this world. If you feel you having children while someone else does not makes you better off, don’t try the Almighty as he might as well decide to take what he has given to you and that could be more painful than being childless in the first place.