Let’s copy and outdo the Romanians in anti-graft law

A few weeks ago, I made allusions to Romanians bracing the sub-zero temperature in their country to force their government to drop a bill seeking a $50,000 imprisonment ceiling for corruption in their country. Frankly, what I needed to do was to apply for a visa and go and chat with those who brought such […]

A few weeks ago, I made allusions to Romanians bracing the sub-zero temperature in their country to force their government to drop a bill seeking a $50,000 imprisonment ceiling for corruption in their country. Frankly, what I needed to do was to apply for a visa and go and chat with those who brought such a unique idea. I think Naija could do with such a law. Because, seriously speaking, this government should just stop destroying the bad name of our nation. We have worked very hard for the notorieties for which we are identified and with the rate at which we are reading screaming headlines, we might be scaring foreign investors.

I read somewhere that government has directed its embassies and high commissions abroad to fast track the process of visa issuance to queuing investors. Congratulations Naija investors and welcome to big bucks country. Kindly ignore the jokes going round social and mainstream media that the Naira has become every currency’s whipping boy. A smart tourist recently tweeted how to beat the system and live big. While a top notch hotel was charging official rate for its rooms, he advised future visitors to simply pay for a night in credit card; bring their dollars to be exchanged at the black market and return later with a sack load of Naira to live big for the rest of their stay. We are making progress.

Now what could anyone invest in to rake in the big bucks now that Boko Haram has been decimated? Gunrunning is still big business. Kidnappers, armed robbers and Fulani herdsmen need them for their thriving business. We would only negotiate with the man who has arms and record of unleashing violence. Be prepared to play ball or make the headlines as the international scapegoat. Discretion is the first part of doing business here, the other being connections in high places and the greasing of itchy palms. Nobody cares that they or their relatives might become the victims of the official negligence they overlook, money takes precedence over everything, including common sense.

Investors should avoid anything that consumes electricity except they’re contributing to substandard power generating sets that induces upper respiratory tract infections. Our power minister has absolved himself of the blame for our darkness and ostensibly the solution to it. Before elections, promise heaven; after election deliver hell! And it works! If you’re in doubt, check out the new carnival in town Buhari/OsinbajoAgain, BOA – not to be delineated from the constrictor.

See how this government is spoiling our bad name. Every week, it announces with pomp and fanfare that it has unearthed corruption of monumental proportions. The only Andrew that patriotically refused to check out is now being ridiculed for his $9.8 million and £74,000 gift haul. Andrew is making spirited efforts to recover his ‘gifts’ from government coffers. He has precedence in enterprising Lame Pat whose $15.5 million frozen gift accounts is now being studied by the House of Rebels.

Imagine how this government sullies the bad reputation of Dikko Inde Abdullahi by reporting a haul of 17 tear-rubber luxury cars. Seventeen cars only? What a generous man, having presided over the biggest smuggling enterprise in modern Naija. This man deserves all the 16 awards listed under his name by Wikipedia. He is still the running mate of a certain former Bauchi governor from whose most favoured wife over 40 cars were allegedly recovered. 

Now see how they are trying to destroy the bad name of Gabriel Suswam. It is now being alleged that some Uzi automatic, pistols, AK 47s and rounds of ammunition belonging to the man who now luxuriates in exile were seized weekend. As for the haul of 45 cars, what is that for the ex-governor of the food basket of the nation whose wife is a trendsetter in the fashion world? I am just imagining her Excellency going out without a car to match her gele, her shoe or her handbag. Come on!

These constant resolve to scamming a nation already in the throes of 419 might scare investors. I understand that Oga Femi Adesina has thrown another verbal diarrhoea-bombshell. He says that the APC has fulfilled all its promises to the nation and that should be reason why BOA is getting set to constrict our nation again. If you have promised the wind, it is not difficult to deliver the wind and coast home in victory.

Here’s the deal. Instead of masking abysmal non-performance with scripted anti-corruption hauls, let us as a nation, through our double-dipping legislature adopt Romania’s dumped law and set a floor for corruption. They had wanted to legalize it at $50,000 remember? I don’t think the proponents of that law would mind if we stole or copied it. After all, didn’t we proudly copy the American constitution and before then the British? Pegging official sleaze at $50k might be below our standing as a corrupt nation. I suggest we quadruple the figure for starters and to fit our status and notoriety. If the legislature needs my expertise in arranging a tour to Bucharest, my e-mail address is always published weekly.