Let’s have a break (3): Declare where you are!

In the last of our ‘Taking A Break Series’, we today conclude our harvest of inspirational, and sometimes hilarious, stories from WhatsApp, the social medium that has become ‘cyberspace’ of choice today. As always, the credit for all the submissions goes to the brilliant minds who first created them but who, sadly because of the […]

In the last of our ‘Taking A Break Series’, we today conclude our harvest of inspirational, and sometimes hilarious, stories from WhatsApp, the social medium that has become ‘cyberspace’ of choice today. As always, the credit for all the submissions goes to the brilliant minds who first created them but who, sadly because of the nature of the social media, have had their names forgotten in the myriad ‘forwards’. But remember to always, in the interest of peace and tranquility in matrimony, DECLARE WHERE YOU ARE, as the first story advises:

DECLARE WHERE YOU ARE: A wife calls husband: “Where are you?” and husband replies: “At home, Love.” Wife: “Are you sure?” Husband: Yes, dear.” Wife: “OK, turn on the food mixer then.” Husband turns on the food mixer and it goes “Rrrreeereeeereeee…” Wife: “OK my love, goodbye.” Another day, and the wife calls again: “Where are you?” Husband: “At home, Love.” Wife: “Are you sure?” Husband: “Absolutely.” Wife: “Turn on the food mixer.” Husband turns on the food mixer and it goes “Rrrreeereeeereeee…” Wife: “OK my love, goodbye.” The next day, wife decides to call their son’s phone. She asks him: “Where is your father?” Son: “I don’t know Mom, he went out with the food mixer…” (UP US!)

WHEN BOTH ARE RIGHT: There were two houses next to each other. In one resided a very unhappy family. The spouses yelled at each other, fought and quarrelled all the time. The other was a place of happiness and calm. During one of the fights in the first house, the wife challenges the husband: “Did you ever hear them quarrel or yell over at that house? No! Why don’t you go there and see what they do to avoid it!” The husband stood at the window of his neighbours and watched. There they were, busy doing their own things. The wife was in the kitchen cooking, and the man sat at the table writing. The phone rang, and the man jumped up and headed to the hallway to get it. On his way he bumped into a vase which fell and broke. He got down to his knees and started picking up the pieces. The wife ran into the room from the kitchen and also kneeled down to help her husband pick them up. The man said to his wife: “I am so sorry. I rushed to get the phone and bumped into the vase. It fell and got broken.” The wife replied: “No, honey, it is my fault. I put it there on the way. That’s why you bumped into it.” They looked at each other, and that was over. Both got back to what they were doing. The man at the window returned to his wife who then asked what the secret of the neighbour’s happiness was. Said her husband: “I know it now. In their family they both are guilty, and in our family both of us are always right!” (UP THEM UP US!)

THINK BEFORE YOU COMPETE: Wife says to husband: “Let’s play a game!” Husband asks: What sort of game?” Wife says: “The game is, if I say the name of a colour, you run to the left wall, if I say the name of a fruit, you run to the right wall.” Husband says: “Hmmm, sounds interesting. What do I get if I win?” Wife replies: “Whoever loses has to obey the winner for the rest of their life.” Husband, in ecstasy, screams: “Wow! I have to win this game!” So wife says: “Okay, ready?” and husband says: “Yes, I’m ready!” So wife says: “OK. Here we go, ORANGE!” It is said that husband has been standing in the same spot for three days now figuring out whether she said a colour or a fruit! (UP THEM!)

KNOWING WHEN TO CLAP: Eleven people, ten men and one woman, were said to be hanging on a rope, under a helicopter, rescued from a disaster. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so it was decided that one of them had to let go because otherwise all of them were all going to fall. But all eleven of them weren’t able to choose that person to sacrifice, until the woman gave a very touching speech – she said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping…(UP THEM!)

CAN WE EVER WIN?: A newly married couple was walking through a park. Suddenly a dog ran towards them. They both sensed it was going to bite. The husband quickly lifted his wife up, exposing himself to the oncoming dog’s bite, apparently sacrificing himself for the new wife. The dog stopped before them unsure what to do, barked a little while, and ran away. The husband put his wife down, expecting a hug and a few kind words of gratitude from her. But the wife screamed:

“I have seen people throwing stones and sticks at dogs! This is the first time I am seeing someone trying to throw his wife at a dog”! (UP THEM!)

CAMPAIGN AFTER WINNING ELECTION: Wife says to the husband: “Since we got married, you don’t take me out. We don ‘t eat at the restaurant that you we used to. You don’t give me enough money for my hair. You are not romantic anymore. You don’t even say I am beautiful anymore.” Husband replies: “Darling, have you ever seen a politician campaigning after winning an election?” (In another version of the same story, the husband was said to have quipped: “Have you ever seen a fisherman feeding worms to the fish he had already caught?”) (UP US!)

CONGRATS GHANA, BOOS GAMBIA: As you read this piece, Ghana is swearing in a new President, Nana Akufo-Addo, who defeated incumbent President John Dramani Mahama. Mahama had since graciously accepted defeat, congratulated the winner and spoke in very encouraging words to his country’s people. Meanwhile, further to west, President Yahya Jammeh of Gambia has eaten his words about accepting defeat. Though condemnable, his action was said to have been instigated by alleged threats to try him by incoming president Adama Barrow, insinuations which have since been denied. Another apparent reason was the electoral body’s post-declaration fumbling, by announcing revised results which significantly reduced the margin of votes between the contenders. All the same, Jammeh must go!

ADIEU SENIOR BROTHER SANUSI TUESDAY: Inna Lillahi Wa Inna Ilaihi Raji’un! (From Allah we come, and unto Him shall we return!) During the week, we lost our senior brother in the writing business, a trusted confidante, a dependable brother Sanusi Abubakar. At the weekly Daily Trust Editorial Board meetings, Sanusi had always been a sharp, analytical and decisive voice especially on matters economic. He used to call me ‘Bala Saturday’ and I would reply ‘Senior Tuesday’. May Allah forgive him, and may Allah again forgive Ujudud Sheriff, Sanusi’s intellectual colleague, whom we also lost last year. The other day, Birthday Reminder, an online date alarm, sent me a note saying: “Congratulate Ujudud Sheriff on his birthday…” Inna Lillahi Wa Inna Ilaihi Raji’un!