Let’s have a break – but lock all the doors!

It’s a long holiday for everyone, so let me also join you on the break. A whole week I hear – we are sure the same will be replicated during Small Sallah and Big Sallah 2017 – a whole week. Goose and gander, no? Meanwhile, enjoy the following stories I harvested for your reading pleasure […]

It’s a long holiday for everyone, so let me also join you on the break. A whole week I hear – we are sure the same will be replicated during Small Sallah and Big Sallah 2017 – a whole week. Goose and gander, no? Meanwhile, enjoy the following stories I harvested for your reading pleasure from WhatsApp, but remember to lock all doors and windows – as the first story advises:

LOCK ALL THE DOORS: In the USA, when couples are going to bed, you hear ‘Good nite my dear!’ In Britain, you hear ‘Goodnight sweetheart!’ I love you!’ In Australia, you hear ‘Sweet dreams darling! In Africa, you hear, ‘Have you locked all the doors and the windows?’

LET ME SHOW YOU HOW: A young man who was hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.” “But I’m a degree holder!” the young man replied indignantly. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom — I’ll show you how…”

I WAS A LION ONCE: The lion was getting married and all the animals attended the wedding. Every animal stood at a distance and wished the lion well. The mouse came up, climbed on to the stage and extended his hand to congratulate the lion. The lion roared in rage and said, how dare you come on stage? Even the tiger is maintaining its distance, and you, small you, climbed on to the stage! The mouse replied and, after hearing the mouse’s response, the lion fainted! What could have the mouse said? The mouse said, Oh shut up buddy, even I myself was a lion before marriage!

WORLD BUSINESS 101 TODAY: One day a tourist comes to the only hotel in a debt ridden town. He lays a 100 dollar note on the table and goes to inspect the rooms. Hotel owner takes the 100 dollar note and rushes to pay his debt to the butcher. Butcher runs to pay the farmer who supplies him meat. The farmer runs to pay the feed supplier. The supplier runs to pay the young man who is his assistant and is owed wages. The young man runs to pay off his debt to the hotel owner for the room he had rented on credit when he first came to town before he got this job. Hotel owner then lays the 100 dollar note back on the counter. The tourist comes down, takes his money and leaves, as he did not like the rooms. No one earned anything. But that group of people is now without debt and looks to the future with a lot of optimism. And that is how the world is doing business today!

WHEN THE EXIT COSTS MORE: A man established a zoo and made the entrance fee N500, but no one turned up. He reduced it to N300, but still no one came. He then reduced the fee to N100, but still people didn’t come. Finally, he made it free entrance and soon the zoo was filled with people. Then he quietly locked the gate of the zoo, set the lions free and made the exit fee N1,000.

AND THIS FOR A LAWYER FRIEND: A Mafia godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10m. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10m, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!” The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?” Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” The lawyer tells the godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.” The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!” The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.” Guido trembles and signs, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.” The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?” The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger!”

WHEN YOU DELIVER EVERYWHERE: The owner of a small bakery was being questioned by an Inland Revenue agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. “Why don’t you people leave me alone?” the baker said. “I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year…and you want to know how I made $80,000?” “It’s not your income that bothers us,” the agent said. “It’s these deductions for expenses. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife.” “Oh, that,” the owner said smiling. “Didn’t I mention? We deliver anywhere…”

GOD SAVES US DESPITE OUR FOLLIES: An old man was sitting by the river bank when he saw a cat that had fallen into the river struggling to save itself from drowning. The man decided to save the cat. He stretched out his hand towards the animal but the cat scratched him. He pulled his hand back in pain. However, a few minutes later he stretched out his hand again to save it, but the cat scratched him again, and again he pulled his hand back in pain. A few minutes later he was again trying for the third time! Another man who was nearby and was watching what was happening, yelled out, ‘Old man, you have not learned your lesson the first time, nor the second time, and now you are trying to save the cat a third time? The old man paid no heed to that man’s scolding, and kept on trying until he managed to save the cat. He then walked over to the other man and patted his shoulder, saying, ‘My son, it is in the cat’s nature to scratch, and it is in my nature to love and have sympathy. Why do you want me to let the cat’s nature overcome mine? My son, treat people according to your nature, not according to theirs, no matter what they are like and no matter how numerous their actions that harm you and cause you pain sometimes. And do not pay heed to all the voices that loudly call out to you to leave behind your good qualities merely because the other party is not deserving of your noble actions. So never regret the moments you gave happiness to someone, even if that person did not deserve it.’

ALWAYS CARRY GIFTS: A man reached the venue of a wedding he had been invited to. He found two doors; one written ‘Bride’s Relatives and Friends’, the other written ‘Groom’s Relatives and Friends’. He entered the groom’s relatives’ door and again found inside two other doors, one written “For Ladies Only’ and the other ‘For Gentlemen Only’. He entered the gentlemen’s door and walked a few steps just to find two doors; one written ‘Those With Gifts’ and the other ‘Those Without Gifts’. Since he was among those who didn’t carry anything, he entered ‘Those Without Gifts’. He found himself out on the street.

So there! May Allah save us from recession. Happy holidays!