LETTER TO CONFERENCE DELEGATES

Accept my heartfelt congratulations for your being selected by the elected to sit in on this onerous National Assignment, where you will decide for us not only our future, but the future of sharing and ‘chopping’ the National Cake (in which you shall also soon partake). Eminently qualified many of you are, indeed, to come […]

Accept my heartfelt congratulations for your being selected by the elected to sit in on this onerous National Assignment, where you will decide for us not only our future, but the future of sharing and ‘chopping’ the National Cake (in which you shall also soon partake). Eminently qualified many of you are, indeed, to come to Abuja, and you would have been here long ago but for some witches and wizards in your ward, village and constituency that blocked your chances. Now let them see you, swagger cane and all! Welcome to Abuja!
TWELVE MILLION: We hear that Twelve Million Naira is coming your way. First thing you do when you reconvene is to protest this amount. Haba! Twelve Million ke and ni! Tufiakwa! How could you, who missed a ministerial appointment by the whiskers, be whisked away by a mere N12m? That will make you very cheap indeed. Even if the agenda does not include fixing your ‘golden handshake’, introduce it. Waste the time, even if it is a whole week, debating your pay. After all, even though you are not a product of any democratic process (you are only a produce), ai neither are those sitting on the Rock or under the Dome (Dome of the Rock, really). Didn’t they all fix their emoluments? Are you different? Were their children involved in the Immigration Tragedy? And neither were yours! Haba!
GWARINPA HOUSE: After you negotiate your pay, hold your money well. There is a fat chance you are not returning to the village again, right? After all, many disHonourables and unDistinguisheds who didn’t win fair and square, or even pyramid (the ones that rigged you out of that primary or secondary election and cost you your seat under the Dome), have since abandoned hometown until next election come. They now own houses in Abuja. So hold on tight to your money. After all said and paid, buy a house in Gwarinpa, which is still available on the open market. If the money doesn’t reach, there are mortgage companies waiting to pounce on you.
DISTINGUISHED HONOURABLE: Before you leave the hallowed chambers of the National Judicial Institute (NJI), ensure you don’t return home as the common Mister and Ms. that you came to Abuja as. You must debate and apportion titles for your distinguished sojourn here. After all, the ‘owner’ of the building is called Her Worship; the one who called you is called His Excellency, like the one who sent you; your arch-enemies sitting under the Dome are all Honourables, some are even Distinguished (though one can hardly distinguish one from the other). So assume all four titles – Worshipful Excellent Distinguished Honourable Delegate. You deserve them. See?
CHOLESTEROL RISING: Now some house-keeping. Never mind my caustic pen and sharp tongue – I am cholesterolly-challenged. Perhaps you don’t know cholesterol? You better do – it is a dangerous by-product of five-star ‘enjoyment’. Me, when they employed me from abroad to come work on the Rock, they put me up in a five-star hotel for a whole year. See me see goat pepper-soup, see chicken a la biryani, see mixed kebab platter, see… To cut the fat story thin, before I knew it there were 20 extra kilos and a cholesterol attack. Wallahi serious! So I now spend a fortune every month trying to undo the damage of five-star. So be careful where they put you, or you put yourself.
ABUJA GIRLS: So, ehm, er, uhm, when I say hold on tight to your money, I know what I am talking about, though not from experience. You see, some people here have free-flowing taps of unceasing cash, courtesy of oversight and under-sight, lobby and hobby, graft and craft, so they can do whatever. You, this may be your first golden opportunity. In fact, if I were some of you, I would invite old Madam over to come enjoy three-star. So help you God.
CONFERENCE MINISTERS: You may recall that, after past conferences, many conferees were lucky to be appointed ministers. Collateral Benefit. Remember wal bani wal baka? He who ultimately dealt with us academics, his former colleagues? He was a product of a National Conference. But to get it you have to work for it – work extra hard supporting government agenda. Be visible, scream, hit the table with your walking-stick cum swagger-cane, let the media people quote you. Government will hear you. Perchance you may be among the July batch, or August. Or even December. There is no end of vacancies with this government. And remember, most of Abuja ‘connections’ are made in nocturnal tête-à-têtes. So don’t sleep much. Network!
EYE SERVICE: On the subject of being visible, the Rock Chapel is where the action is. If you are a Christian, the competition in the Conference is very fierce, for you are 62% of the total number of delegates. Haven’t you noticed? Many of you will try to worship on the Rock. To get in, be friends with a certain Professor among you. I hear he has the ear. Go Rock. Show eye. And for you minority Muslim delegates, all 38% of you, note that the National Mosque Friday Prayer starts around 1pm. You, minority! Try to be on sahun farko, First Row, and you may be lucky to have a handshake with Number Two, your Rock Rep. Come early for additional good luck.
CONSTITUENCY PROJECT: And before that appointment comes around, you may be thinking of taking over from Honourable or Distinguished in 2015. It is a fair thought – after all was he fair to you in 2011? So, introduce the issue of Constituency Project into the Conference agenda. The gimmick is this: government is ready for ‘Rub My Back I Rub Your Back’. Approve, say, a six-year single term to commence from the present Rocker, and you may get a six-figure (in dollars, not Naira) project in your name (or your pocket). And if your people know that you have also brought ‘development’ (or ‘welfare’) to them, 2015 is a foregone conclusion (as other elections may go ahead except the single-term ones).
AREWA AGENDA: The Yoruba have come with a well-laid-out agenda. The Igbo have arrived with a well-spelt-out agenda. Niger Delta is asking for 100% derivation. But the Hausas? Forget about them. And forget about the minority Muslim delegates. They are always prone to fargar Jaji. Remember Jaji? It is a long story, but his case means tragic belated after-thought. Like Arewa. Like Hausa-Fulani. Like Nigerian Supreme Council on Islamic Affairs (NSCIA). Like the Jama’atu Nasril Islam (JNI). All are Jajis. They neither have a Hausa-Fulani-Kanuri-Nupe Muslim Agenda, nor a pan-Northern one. In fact, the Arewa Agenda being hastily put together is a Jajian after thought. So, Muslims, since your number at this Conference is so insignificant, and you can never win anything put to the vote, just lower your head and earn your allowance. Just don’t agree to anything being put to the vote because we will all lose! We, Jajis kawai!
KABIRU CHARITY: Chairman of this newspaper and my boss, Mallam Kabiru A. Yusuf, is also a Worshipful Excellent Distinguished Honourable Delegate, nominated by the newspaper publishers. In his Column on the back-page of the Monday edition of Daily Trust, sister of this newspaper, the Mallam said he will eschew any and all allowances. That he won’t receive them, or collect them, let alone chew them. Many readers have written to beg the Mallam to re-consider, for perhaps it could be more than the speculated N12m. I join them: “Mallam, collect ‘our’ allowance and donate to Charity. And if you don’t know the girl, I do. I will collect on her behalf. I, Distinguished Honourable Collector.”