Letter writing 101

Darling Buhari, So I heard that your friend, the one who pretends to be everybody’s friend then throws a tantrum when things are not going his way, has written you a public letter to show off his new PhD. All I can say is, may our enemies never find our home address. I think he […]

Darling Buhari,

So I heard that your friend, the one who pretends to be everybody’s friend then throws a tantrum when things are not going his way, has written you a public letter to show off his new PhD. All I can say is, may our enemies never find our home address. I think he is jealous that people love you so much, in a way that people did not love him. People rejected him when he wanted to impose himself a third time on them. Now he wants to insult you. And darling I have to add: a PhD does not confer intelligence on a person. It just means you have read a lot about a little. You know what we can even do to him? Just to spite him when you win again in 2019, do a PhD while you are in office. He can’t beat that. 

And what is it that he even said in the letter? To open the letter, do you know he referred to himself in the third person? What kind of person writes about themselves in the third person? Imagine I would write a sentence like this: “Dear Buhari, you might be wondering why Elnathan is rejoicing over you arranging to arrest your friend over an embarrassing letter.” Only arrogant people do that. And I am not arrogant. 

Anyway, he spoke a lot about lice and blood. I think he has a problem with lice. He speaks from experience. I admire his courage though. Imagine a person who installed the most inept, weak and corrupt government writing long letters to you. Maybe we should just do a corruption probe that begins from 1999. A goga raini, as we say in Hausa. 

He said that you should have a dignified and honourable dismount from “the horse”. Me, I did know that you were on a horse. Because since a horse flung me down and hurt me badly, I have been scared of horses. I am only saying that if he is right and you are indeed on a horse, please take it easy. Horses are dangerous creatures. One moment you think all is well and you mishandle it and it tramples you to death. I would hate to lose you to this horse. 

People have accused you of nepotism.  If you were truly engaged in nepotism then you would have given your wife and children jobs in Aso Rock. Afterall the leader of the most powerful nation on earth, Trump has given his children appointments and offices in the White House. So, really this is nothing strange. Maybe you should just give Aisha and your older children appointments as Special Advisers or Senior Special Assistants. Just say you are emulating Trump and no one will complain. And speaking of your wife, what is going on in the other room? Not that I am jealous or anything, I just realise she didn’t take down the tweet she put up of people insulting your government. She has become an opposition mouthpiece. Kun yi fada ne? You know you can tell me. If your own wife is challenging you, akwai matsala fa. But you know I will never challenge you, darling. Even if you never investigate and probe things like Maina’s return to the country and reinstatement which people say happened under your watch. Your love is more important to me than little things like that. Even if your former Secretary never really faces trial and it all goes to voicemail like other corruption cases, I will still love you. All I want is that from time to time you write me a letter. Not 13 pages like Obasanjo. Just a short thing to tell me what is on your mind and how you plan to carry on with governing the country until our re-election in 2018.

You know what would be the perfect thing to do? Just wait until the last moment then shock everybody by not contesting. Let them all come begging you, crying and pouring ash over their bodies in mourning as we go off to Seychelles for a long vacation together. Let people see what they will lose by you leaving. Because like one famous politician said: there is no alternative to you in Nigeria. 

Ps. I just emailed you 2019 poster ideas. Let me know what you think. 

Pps. My weekly reminder: Please think of the Shiite man who is still in prison, whose children and followers we massacred and buried in Kaduna. Do not let him die in your custody. It is never too late to do the right thing. Especially now as we enter 2018. Release him, his wife and his people. Especially as we flag off this 2019 campaign season. We can even use it to score political points. I know you want to. Hugs.