Life with boss

‘It’s more like perfect tawakkul Anti Bint. Happiness has nothing to do with it. How are you and the family?’ She asked.‘Alhamduliilah, we are well. If tawakkul (total reliance on God) is the secret then we must spread the word, so that all of us can achieve the same sense of well-being you exude with […]

‘It’s more like perfect tawakkul Anti Bint. Happiness has nothing to do with it. How are you and the family?’ She asked.
‘Alhamduliilah, we are well. If tawakkul (total reliance on God) is the secret then we must spread the word, so that all of us can achieve the same sense of well-being you exude with your very presence. You just need to see yourself in the mirror Rahima dear, you’ll know what I mean.’ I emphasized, smiling. 
‘I know what you mean quite alright, in fact I say the same to myself whenever I look into the mirror. I often stare at my image and address it thus: ‘No one will ever believe you carry the weight of sadness you do in your heart.’ She replied, reaching out for the glass of fruit juice I kept in front of her.  
‘You carry a weight of sadness in your heart? How can you be sad when you have everything going for you; a loving husband, three lovely children, a beautiful house and a life of relative ease and comfort? How can you not be content with that? Are you one of the spiritual ingrates we hear about?’ I demanded.
‘No I am not ungrateful at all, in fact I count my blessings daily, just to keep myself from going insane. It’s just that the way Sabo is treating me now, it takes a lot of perseverance to remain with him.’ Rahima explained.
‘I see, I am truly sorry to hear that. Thank God it doesn’t show. I mean all we see are your chubby cheeks and visible glow. Is there anything anyone can do to help or can you solve the problem yourself by talking to him?’ I asked.
‘Well that’s the unfortunate thing. I can’t talk to him. I mean he has this unspoken rule that I must not speak until I am spoken to. Any time we are having a discussion, he clams shut the moment I say a word or two. Most times he will end the conversation there and then, other times he will pretend as if I hadn’t spoken. But either way he doesn’t hide his irritation at the way I talk before he asked me to.’ She explained with sadness.
‘But has it always been like this?’ I asked.
‘No, it hasn’t, I mean if it had, you would have known that long ago. We used to communicate very well since the beginning of our marriage. We talked about anything and everything under the stars. We were real soul mates, if you like. Then the children came, and we had even more to discuss, reveling in every new thing about parenthood. This whole ‘I am the boss and must be obeyed thing’ started just two years ago.  I didn’t think I could survive it when he started it, but with time and my determination to find happiness in other things helped me to pull through. I just don’t know how much longer this will last. But believe me it is with the special grace of God that I got used to seeing my husband and best friend turn into this non-communicating stranger.’ She explained, dejectedly.
‘Did you try to find out whether he has too much on his mind from the pressures of work and extended family members? Such issues can weigh heavily on someone and make him behave differently you know.’ I suggested.
‘Well if it was the Sabo I used to know, he will come to me with the problem and seek my advice, that’s how we used to live. We had provided each other with shoulders to cry on for so long that I don’t even have a special female friend whom I confide in. But suddenly he erected this brick wall between us and we are now like two polite strangers. Sometimes I’ll forget and run to him with something I wanted to share but the moment I spoke and he gave me that cold silent stare, I will just find an excuse to walk away. It’s as if with every new encounter he wants me to know that we are no longer peers that we are now a boss and his subordinate. And not surprisingly I’ve come to think of him as boss. Even in my mind’s eye I do not see the man I married when I think of him, I just see the new boss who must not be crossed.’ Rahima repeated.
‘Do you know whether there is another woman in the picture? Because I’ve often heard it said that a man in a secret relationship is always pushed by guilt to treat his wife differently. Most get nicer and more generous but a few get aggressive and distant, probably as a way of dragging her into a quarrel which they could now use to justify their involvement with the other woman.’ I said.
‘Honestly I don’t know whether there’s a woman out there influencing how I am being treated. But if there is, Sabo has made sure it doesn’t interfere with his daily routine. Nothing about his movements in the past two years has changed. Yet even if there is someone out there should I be treated like a dimwit who must not be conversed with? This is how he makes me feel anytime I try to make conversation. It is truly frustrating. But the worst part of this unfortunate state of affairs is that our children have come to notice it.’ She complained.
‘Really, how do you know?’ I asked.
‘Well it happened one evening when we were doing school homework together. I suddenly remembered a funny story their father had told me before. I shared the anecdote with them while laughing in the process. My children didn’t laugh at the end of the story but rather looked on in amazement while I laughed. I asked them why they didn’t laugh, didn’t they find the story funny? But their simple answer was to ask whether it was really their father who told me the story.’
‘Of course it was him, why did you ask?’
‘Well, we’ve just never seen Daddy chatting with you nicely, let alone telling you a story. We were amazed to hear that there was a time he actually told you funny stories. What happened to him now that he doesn’t chat with you much?’ My eldest daughter asked.
‘Your father is now busier than before, he doesn’t have time.’ I answered them. So you see Anti Bint, they are already old enough to see that something is wrong in our relationship, that’s what pains me most.’ Rahima concluded.
‘I know how painful that can be, I wish there is a way I can help.’ I offered.
‘Well, not wishing to involve third parties in what might hopefully be a passing phase, I have devised ways of keeping myself happy. One, I spend a lot of time reading the Holy Quran and earning the rewards there from. I do a lot of supererogatory acts of devotion like prayers and fasting. I keep my children’s company more than before when I preferred to be with their father. And then of course I eat a lot. I mean I eat whatever catches my fancy as long as it is lawful because sometimes a full stomach is the only thing that relieves the emptiness in my heart. And this is the secret of my chubby good looks.’ She concluded with a smile.
‘But that’s very dangerous Rahima. You can’t afford to indulge in comfort eating because it constitutes both a health and a spiritual hazard. Health-wise it can lead to obesity, diabetes and heart disease. Spiritually, you know the hadith that says ‘No man has filled a worse vessel than his stomach which he filled with lawful food.’ So you see, even eating to your fill is discouraged in Islam. It also prevents the ability to worship properly. You must therefore stop eating just to fight your loneliness and sadness. You have to find another way out or simply stick to the first four formulas, praying, fasting, regular reading of the Holy Quran and being a closer companion to your children. All this can help you until you find a solution to your husband’s new attitude. But if ever you should desire a third party intervention, remember that Tahir and I are available to come and counsel you two.’ I pledged.
‘Ok Anti Bint, thank you very much. I will certainly keep this in mind, inshaAllah.’ She resolved smiling.