Loans and the President’s Sallah Message
In case you think that’s unfair, check where you originated from on the national map. If it is far from an oilrig, seek the permission of the Naija-Delta Volunteer Force before complaining loudly. Asari Dokubo, its leader, sees nothing wrong in a shon-of-the-soil using the resources of the shoil as they deem fit. Borrowing may […]
In case you think that’s unfair, check where you originated from on the national map. If it is far from an oilrig, seek the permission of the Naija-Delta Volunteer Force before complaining loudly. Asari Dokubo, its leader, sees nothing wrong in a shon-of-the-soil using the resources of the shoil as they deem fit. Borrowing may be the best option, but do not say I told you it is not the only option. I am just a back-door critic, not a dyed-in-the-wool Bretton Woods economist with two portfolios in the cabinet.
Other options are usually the regrets we have for not doing the best thing as and when due. For instance, I hate to drag reconciled Emir Muhammadu Sanusi II back to the unburied issue of the missing $20 billion. Nobody has accused the ex-CBN governor of the kind of visual hallucination that affect people who only see NNPC Towers from a distance. Next time I see the emir, I will ask him if the Ramadan handshake has washed away our missing $20 billion, or if he is seeing clearly now that the cloud has cleared.
If we could somehow believe that the money is truly missing, let us detail modern-day cats to help us chase the rats who stashed the cash in their holes. That way we may have reason to make American arms manufacturers smile at us. Who knows, even Barack Obama may find enough reason to pay us that coveted visit. After all, his broke country is taxing everything that moves around it. A $20 million sunk into the American economy could help redeem his dwindling public ratings. What more, it can convince Republicans to tone down the rhetoric and let his party remain in power for another eight years. Oh gosh, but who will start another war?
Halliburton beneficiaries are gradually approaching their retirement age. They are wonderful party loyalists who should not be disturbed just because some foreign governments have a completely different definition of corruption. The countries from where Halliburton and its subsidiaries came are among those who, like Naija journalists, call ordinary stealing corruption. If we had not drawn a mark between common stealing and corruption, we could have made an extra $180 million from the Halliburton scandal. Did I say scandal, sorry, I meant grease. So, let us close the chapter on Halliburton – forever.
Thus far, we have closed two means by which we could have financed a refurbished military capable of facing the rag tag but peskier army of Imam Shekau. Sorry if I sound like a broken record on the third, but here comes Mohammed Abacha. He would have netted us $100.38 million before the presidential pardon. Excuse me, did I say presidential pardon? Sorry, I meant judicial discharge. Yes, Naija courts work in mysterious ways – ask Oshiomole and Aregbesola how they got their mandates back. We just saw another view of our judiciary recently when it overruled a government-induced NFF in-house cleaning. That pronouncement brought Naija back into the good books of FIFA clearing the way for Naija’s footballers to enjoy their generous match-bonuses.
An Abacha with us is worth much more than ten Kwankwasos who can’t account for presidential campaign money. By the way, whenever Kwankwaso’s immunity lapses either by magumagu or wuruwuru, President Jones should contact Kenneth Starr for a thorough inquest. For those either too naive or too young to know who Mr Starr is, please Google him.
Meanwhile, while you’re at it, the president has moved from advising his citizens to learn to cope with terrorism as a global menace to advising us not to lose hope on the fight against terror. This was the fulcrum of his Ramadan message. It is a giant leap from the mantra of being on top of the situation and a practical reason to believe that Levick is working after all. By the way, I am wondering if the loan can transform deserting soldiers into a robocops. I didn’t like the statement credited to General Minimah – knowing that journalists do not understand militese, let us wait for the authorised version from General Chris Olukolade. In the meantime, I echo the comedian-in-chief’s Sallah message – Oh suffering people of Naija do not to lose hope until they come for you. Whenever they come for you, abandon all hopes, just like the Chibok parents.