Losing yourself in a relationship

In making other people happy and putting their needs before ours we usually end up losing our self and even underestimate ourselves. When we begin to lose our self , it also means we are losing our self esteem. Many of us who love to care usually have the following evident in our lives: We […]

In making other people happy and putting their needs before ours we usually end up losing our self and even underestimate ourselves. When we begin to lose our self , it also means we are losing our self esteem.

Many of us who love to care usually have the following evident in our lives:

We are so used to putting others’ needs ahead of ours that we sometimes forget that we also have needs.

In relationships we tend to get so wrapped up in it that we don’t give ourselves room to spend alone or in different companies.

I am a completely different person when I am in relationship from when I am not.

Finding love is most important that other things in my life including family, friends, career and school suffer.

Keeping our partners happy is priority even though we have to forfeit some of our activities, hobbies, interests and friends in order to make the relationship work, it’s okay if that’s the price we have to pay.

We often find ourselves taking on caretaker role feel more like a parent.

Whilst many of us have resigned ourselves to believing that if they want a lasting romantic relationship, our needs must be put on hold or sacrificed along with our individuality, there are ways to enjoy love and maintain your self respect and worth.

While spending time with that special someone we also need to remind ourselves that we are special too. We shouldn’t allow ourselves be treated like doormats because we each have the power to create the kind of relationship we want.

Paige Parker author of ‘Loving without losing yourself’ says in her book that it’s not out of place, “to make it a major priority in your life to find and keep a solid relationship with a committed partner. However, this pursuit starts becoming dangerous when you fool yourself into believing the following lies.

He might not be that ‘into’ me yet, but if I just show him what a great girlfriend I’d make (by cooking for him; cleaning for him; finding out what he’s looking for, then molding myself into his “dream woman” ) he’ll fall in love with me.

Sure, it’s exhausting to put forth so much effort to make my partner happy, but that’s just who I am – a nice person.

It’s so hard to find a partner; it’s worth sacrificing some/most/or all of my needs in order to keep him/her interested.

My partner exhibits red flag or deal-breaker behaviour (e.g., doesn’t share my values or goals for the future; doesn’t treat me with respect; shows signs of being emotionally, mentally or physically abusive) but it’s better to stick it out than to start over again single.

He/she doesn’t give me what I need now, but he/she’ll change eventually.

“These little lies seem harmless at first,” Parker says “but this kind of thinking – this compromising of your self to earn the love of someone else – is a slippery slope which leads to emotional turmoil, seriously damaged self-esteem and one failed relationship after another.”

She adds that your ‘Kindness is Actually a Curse’. You have a big, loving heart and a nurturing soul. You love doing nice things for the people you care about. This transcends to your relationship as you do all to make your partner happy. In the beginning, you pull out all the don’ts, particularly gifts – sometimes for no reason at all. At first, his gratitude and love is all you need in return.

“Over time, though, something starts to shift. Suddenly you’re not just doing thoughtful, loving acts for your sweetie… you’re doing chores. You’re always the one making the plans for your dates, and even stocking up on supplies at his/her house

The truth is: you don’t have anyone to blame but yourself. He/she never really asked you to these things. (Of course there was never a “no,” either.)  Still, you resent him/her for it… silently.

Parker advises that it’s possible to be your kind self in a relationship and take care of your needs at the same time. When you truly believe that you’re worthy of love without having to earn it, you won’t let anyone take advantage of your generosity.

Another thing the author says is giving up your old pleasures completely for the sake of relationship. “When you were single, you used to have lots of interests, activities and friends. But then you met your partner, got swept up in your relationship, and everything else fell by the wayside.

“In the beginning stages of a relationship, it’s only natural to want to spend every waking moment with your new mate. You’re just getting to know one another, so long dates, endless email exchanges and deep phone conversations do serve to create a connection and deepen your bond.

According to her, if this connection is to truly grow into a healthy attachment, however, this phase of can’t-get-enough-of-each-other infatuation must end and balance needs to be restored for both individuals so you each have a life outside the relationship.

“If you’ve been dating for a significant amount of time and you’re still spending every free minute with your mate, if people refer to you as “attached at the hip,” or even jokingly ask if you two ever spend time apart – it’s not cute, it’s a red flag that you have lost yourself in your relationship.

“Even though it masquerades as intense love the “24/7 Relationship” is usually born out of insecurity – either the man’s, the woman’s, or both. They fear that “out of sight” means “out of mind” and therefore want their partner to be with them all the time so they can keep an eye on them and prevent any disaster (losing interest, cheating, etc).”

The ‘24/7 Relationship’ rarely works out. At best, the couple burns out from spending so much time together and, at worst, the controlling and jealous behaviors become downright abusive.

The psychologist stresses, “Learn how to identify the controlling behavior in you two that stems from insecurity and stop it dead in its tracks so you can have love with your mate – but, more importantly, a full and satisfying life of your own.

“You may think you’re being kind by making your mate’s happiness your number one priority. However, just because your focus is on his/her needs doesn’t mean you’re acting selflessly.

Parker emphasises that without realizing it, one is actually manipulating the relationship in order to get validation from the other partner. “Even though you may love him and want to do acts of kindness for him, they are ultimately a means to an end – to get appreciation, praise, love, and the promise that he/she’ll never leave you. So even though it’s the exact opposite of what you wanted, you’ll still come off as needy, which is a surefire recipe for relationship disaster.”