When love hinders good parenting

A lot of parents love their children to such an extent that they do not know when it becomes necessary to instill discipline. They also fail to identify what is good and what is bad for their children’s upbringing and general wellbeing.When they notice any fault in the child, or when someone else points it […]

A lot of parents love their children to such an extent that they do not know when it becomes necessary to instill discipline. They also fail to identify what is good and what is bad for their children’s upbringing and general wellbeing.
When they notice any fault in the child, or when someone else points it out, they usually look in the opposite direction or rise to the defense of the child. Such parents, in the name of love, fail to apply proper disciplinary measures when necessary; thereby abetting the undesirable acts of their children.
Without realising that they are doing these children a great disservice, parents have groomed very badly behaved children who have become a problem to them and the society at large.
Every faith preaches love for children without neglecting their proper upbringing. Love for a child, according to Mary Abbah, a mother of three, does not mean that the parents close their eyes to the norms of good upbringing. “Good parents are those who make a clever mix of love and good upbringing. They love the child and keep a realistic eye on his behaviours. They cleverly try to correct the faults of the child. They make the child realise that he is not free to do wrong. He is made aware of the fact that if the parents love him for the good things he does; he may be punished for anything wrong he does.”
The full time housewife added that parents need to realise that children will grow into adults and will have to interact with others in the society. “If on account of your extreme parental love you neglect your duty of training your child to have good behaviour, he will not be welcome in the society and others will avoid him or even hate him. Therefore, it must be borne in your mind as a parent that other people will not tolerate your child and close their eyes to his every fault.”
There is no doubt that every child craves love and affection; but excess of loving borders on pampering. Love they say, ‘is like food and in optimum measure it is very beneficial but excess of it will be harmful in many ways.’
In this light, Austine Ikomi said, “a child is not a plaything for the parents nor should he be treated as a source of recreation by them. The responsibility of upbringing, training and education of the child rests with the parents. The child grows into an adult and has to be a part of the society. It will have to face the ups and downs of life, successes, failures, rise, fall, happiness and sorrow as it goes along in its life span. A good mentor will have all these factors in mind and prepare the novice to capably confront all the tests and hurdles which might confront him. The parents should be aware of the fact that love and affection are essential for good breeding of the child but excess of these can also come in the way of the desired results. The children who get excess of love and affection are likely to be spoilt with very harmful consequences.
Fiona Lasisi shares her experience of growing up with parents whom finally had a son after years of waiting for one. “After three girls and 12 years of hoping for a son, we finally welcomed ‘the heir of the family’, as my parents referred to him from day one. I remember vividly, the feasting that welcomed his arrival and the pampering excuses for all the wrongs he did. We were not allowed to scold him even when he was naughty or rude to us. He would throw tantrums, bite as a toddler and no word of correction would be uttered by our parents. We were too scared to stand up for ourselves for fear of our parents’ wraths that were at his beck and call without a fuss. He was also badly behaved with other children in school and my mum always justified his actions. He has grown up not knowing any better and is now a major headache to them who now say they wonder how he turned out the way he is when we girls don’t give them any problem.”
The narrations can go on and on pinpointing the faulty love parents extend to their children and how disastrous it is to them. Over indulging a child is not an expression of love for him.
When a child knows that his parents love him/her very much, and always allow him to have his way, he makes his demands and gets into the habit of ordering and expecting tacit compliance from the parents who are not willing to displease him.
In such children, the tendency of despotism keeps increasing with passage of time, according to the article, Principles of Upbringing Children – When the Child Starts to See the World around Him by Sheikh Ibrahim Amin. “When such persons enter the ranks of the society they expect the same compliance from their fellow citizens, as they did with the parents and other members of the family. This attitude of the people dampens the spirit of the selfish persons and they become the victims of the feeling of defeat and ennui. They develop a strong feeling of inferiority complex and tend to become recluses.”
The piece further explains that, in acute cases, they think of committing suicide to escape from the psychological pressures that go beyond their ken. The marital lives of such persons too are generally on the rocks. Such persons expect too much love from their spouses and expect them to comply with all their wishes, howsoever unreasonable they might be. They are generally egotistic and self-centered. Having received superficial praises in their early days, they assume false airs of importance during their adult life and unable to discern their own failings and, to the contrary, think that these very lacunae are their merits. They work under a false sense of pride, which in itself is a grave psychological ailment.
“The children who receive excess love and care and their parents are overindulgent towards them, they will in stages dominate the parents. When they grow into adults, they persist with the dominating trait and their expectations surpass the means of the parents.”
Dr. Jalali, author of ‘The Spoilt Child’,  writes that, “If a child lives in an environment where he is pampered, always others take sides with him, close their eyes to his wrong deeds and he is not groomed for the harsh realities of the future; he will then be subject to many hardships as a member of the society. From his very birth, the child has to be trained that he has to exist with others in the society and his wishes have to be in harmony with the wishes of others in the society.”