MA’ASSALAM, YA RAMADAN! (II)

Not that we are complaining. Whatever they say, we follow. Though we are not follow-follow, we just follow what they say we should follow because we are all obedient, respectful following folk, no? It is escapist to be a follow fellow, say some fellow followers, but, it must be added, it is safe. The Hausa […]

Not that we are complaining. Whatever they say, we follow. Though we are not follow-follow, we just follow what they say we should follow because we are all obedient, respectful following folk, no? It is escapist to be a follow fellow, say some fellow followers, but, it must be added, it is safe. The Hausa say ‘Mutuwar yawa kaka,” equivalent to what the English say, “There’s safety in numbers.” Wallahu A’alam.

 Kai! No matter. Let us enjoy our lives while we can. Therefore, this writer feels we should have some laughter today. Some laughter that should take us through the Sallah break. For laughter, along with an active sense of humour, helps to protect us against heart attacks, according to a study by cardiologists (which was narrated on these pages several columns ago). The old saying that ‘laughter is the best medicine’ definitely appears to be true when it comes to protecting your heart, according to one cardiologist.

 A great resource for the lover of a good laugh is the magazine Reader’s Digest (and, for our children and us, Tom and Jerry). This Sallah season we shall enjoy a select offering of jokes from the Readers’ Digest (and please digest your Tuwon Sallah before you read, as your columnist bears no responsibility for any indigestion!) Names of the original joke submitters are credited:

Donna Grieve: ”I was once a legal secretary to a young law clerk who passed the bar exam on his third try. This fledgling attorney worked hard on his initial pleading, which should have read ‘Attorney at Law’ at the top of the first page. After I submitted the finished document for his review and signature, I was embarrassed when he pointed out a critical typing error. ‘Must you rub it in?’ he asked. I had typed: ‘Attorney at Last.’”

 Edmund W. Wallace: “In search of a new shower, my wife and I went to a bathroom-supply store. We discussed our needs in detail with a young saleswoman. Since it was near closing time, we had to curtail our discussion. Later my wife and I were at a restaurant, where the same young woman was working as a waitress. As she passed our table, she suddenly recognised us and called to me in a voice loud enough for nearby diners to hear, ‘Hey, you’re the man who needs a shower!’”

 Michael McPherson: “I am a deputy sheriff assigned to courthouse security. As part of my job, I explain court procedures to visitors. One day I was showing a group of ninth-graders around. Court was in recess and only the clerk and a young man in custody wearing handcuffs were in the courtroom. ‘This is where the judge sits,’ I began, pointing to the bench. ‘The lawyers sit at these tables. The court clerk sits over there. The court recorder, or stenographer, sits over here. Near the judge is the witness stand and over there is where the jury sits. As you can see,’ I finished, ‘there are a lot of people involved in making this system work.’ At that point, the prisoner raised his cuffed hands and said, ‘Yeah, but I’m the one who makes it all happen.’”

 Karen Jensen: “Because he’s a chemist and I’m a personal trainer, my fiancé and I don’t always agree about what eating healthy means. I prefer foods with less fat and fewer calories. He watches out for chemicals and additives. We were grocery shopping, and I asked him to go get some butter. ‘Which kind,’ he asked, ‘cancer or heart attack?’”

Teaching is not for sensitive souls. While reviewing future, past and present tenses with my ninth-grade English class, I posed the question: ‘I am beautiful’ is what tense? One student raised her hand: ‘Past tense.’”

Annette Levanen: “Cell service in our area was so rotten we told our service provider to cancel our contract. About a week later, we received a letter saying they wanted to continue the relationship. The reason that they were writing? They had been unsuccessful in contacting us by phone. Hello?”

 Angie Flaute: “I was telling my three boys the story of the Nativity and how the Wise Men brought gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh for the infant Jesus. Clearly giving it a lot of thought, my six-year-old observed, ‘Mom, a Wise Woman would have brought diapers.’”

One of my fourth graders asked my Teaching Assistant, ‘How old are you, Mrs. Glass?’ ‘You should never ask an adult’s age,’ I broke in. ‘That’s okay.’ Harriett, the TA said, smiling. ‘I’m fifty.’ ‘Wow, you don’t look that old,’ the boy said. I was breathing a sigh of relief when another child chimed in, ‘Parts of her do.’”

 Mele Kolokihakaufisi: “Sixteen years is a long time. That’s how far the photo of my husband – looking slim and fit in his Marine Reserve uniform–goes back. Today, he’s about 100 pounds heavier, so it was understandable when my friend’s son asked who it was. ‘That’s my father,’ my daughter told him. Looking at my husband, then at the photo, he asked, ‘Your first father?’”

 So there. We end today’s selection with this motivational story on Self Appraisal:

 A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits. The storeowner observed and listened to the conversation:

 The boy asked, “Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?” The woman at the other end of the line replied, “I already have someone to cut my lawn.” “Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now., replied boy. The woman responded that she was very satisfied with the person who was presently cutting her lawn. The little boy found more perseverance and offered, “Lady, I’ll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in town.” Again the woman answered in the negative. With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver.

 The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy and said, “Son, I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job.” The little boy replied, “No thanks, I was just checking my performance on the job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady I was talking to!”

 And so, Barka da Sallah once again. Allah maimaita mana! And may we have witnessed Lailatul Qadr.