Marriage: An on-the-job learning experience

The regular and probably the most famous or one of the most famous lines when people describe marriage is – no matter how long you date, you can never know your partner completely. You learn everyday and grow in the marriage. Some other popular lines are, ‘marriage is not a bed of roses’; ‘marriage is […]

The regular and probably the most famous or one of the most famous lines when people describe marriage is – no matter how long you date, you can never know your partner completely. You learn everyday and grow in the marriage. Some other popular lines are, ‘marriage is not a bed of roses’; ‘marriage is what you make of it.’ There are other ways in which a marriage experience is described, but none has ever captured it as aptly as this: Marriage is an on the job training.

Until watching last weekend’s episode of the cartoon, The Flintstones, one never imagined the experience of marriage to be described as an on the job training. Wilma Flintstone and her husband, Fred, had had an argument at the end of which Wilma said, I suppose my mum didn’t tell me all there is to marriage. Then the character Dino the Flinstones pet dinosaur, who barks like a happy puppy said to her, “Your mum couldn’t have given you all the information you deserve to have on marriage; it is an on the job training.”

Also, as Wilma’s thoughts go, is it possible for your mum or anybody else to tell you all you need to know about marriage? It was best to get answers from the older hands who have been training on the job the better part of their lives.

As is evident in many marriages, the job trains you. You do not train yourself to survive on the job. You may have pre-knowledge of what the job entails but the real training comes from being married and going through the experiences and surviving them. A lot also depends on how much training you are willing to get and how much you open yourself to receive them.

While speaking to 63-year-old Arleen Thomas who has been married for 35 years the notion was proven to be a fact indeed. “I have been married since I was 28 and that marriage is in her 35th year now. In the last five years, I have received more on the job training than when I initially got married. My husband is 68 now and you know how they are when they get to that age. I have had to build up my tolerance level as well as find more appealing ways to get around him when I need things to be done. No matter what you say or how many ways in which marriage is described, I absolutely agree that it is an on the job training. And a lot of times the trainings never end. At different stages and phases of the relationship, if you care about it, you have to do some fine tuning and redirecting if you want a long lasting relationship and most of it comes from the woman. It applies to all women, regardless of our age, race or beliefs.”

She added that, “A woman has to give a lot more in the marriage than the man. I consider marriage a full time career as motherhood is and my profession as a hairdresser. The same amount of attention and diligence you give to these is what your marriage deserves and maybe even more. In all the years I have been married I can tell you that really there is a lot to learn on the job to make it a worthwhile career and I am still training on the job.”

The men also agree that you learn more after getting into marriage as Hanson Igelobo explained. “Off course it is an on-the-job training. I think the idea or mindset of coming prepared into a marriage should be corrected and thought through. Nobody is ever prepared enough for a lot of the experiences a marriage brings your way. You may have an idea how to go about and using wisdom you may be successful going that way. But the truth is, and I say this from 15 years of experience, it is when you get into it that you learn and acquire most of the wisdom you need to deal with certain issues. I learnt that if I continued or handled my marriage based on what advices I had been given at my wedding and before then and restricting myself to them, I would head for disaster in no time. So what I did was to learn from the day to day experiences and my mistakes. I had to humble myself to learn from all that went on around me and decipher what I needed and discard those I did not need.”

Evidently, this “job” cannot be treated as a case of having a suitcase packed with all the things you are likely to need for your trip. You may have packed some of the necessary items you, forgotten some or as in many cases not even known what the right items are that you should pack. It is only when you arrive at your destination and a situation presents itself that you then have to figure out how best to handle it with the options available to you.

People change; even you as an individual change in your habits, attitudes and the different aspects of your life. Why then would anyone have a notion that there is a perfect recipe for marriage? These changes alone minimal as they may seem, if not handled correctly and with regards for the other party or parties like children and in-laws in the relationship, may provoke other catastrophes you never imagined would be an issue. If you came into the relationship with a recipe and the cooking is turning awful, how do you remedy it when you have not opened yourself to learn and pick on new and positive things along the way?

You should open yourself and welcome all the training that come your way in the course of the job.