Marriage by remote

‘Somewhere in the English country-side,’ she replied, unenthusiastically. ‘Is it for sale or does somebody you know live there?’ I asked again, folding the prayer rug I was holding, having just prayed Zuhr prayer. ‘Actually, I’m supposed to go and live there.’ Maimuna stated lamely. ‘How nice? I’m so happy for you. Did your husband […]

‘Somewhere in the English country-side,’ she replied, unenthusiastically.

‘Is it for sale or does somebody you know live there?’ I asked again, folding the prayer rug I was holding, having just prayed Zuhr prayer.

‘Actually, I’m supposed to go and live there.’ Maimuna stated lamely.

‘How nice? I’m so happy for you. Did your husband get a new job in England?’ I enquired.

‘No he is still at his old job. It is I and the children he is relocating to England to pursue education and what he called a better life.’ She explained.

‘I see, well best of luck, we are certainly going to miss you in this office. I mean you are a nice considerate colleague, and a real team-worker but since this promises you a better life, we can only wish you luck.’ I said with a smile.

‘That is the problem Hajia Bint, I don’t want to go? I see no reason why I should pick up the kids and go alone to another continent. It just doesn’t make sense to me.’ She protested.

‘Well you do have a point there it doesn’t sound like it will be easy.’ I concurred. ‘But do you have any idea what informed this decision?’

‘When he walked into my room this morning, he simply handed me this photo and said “What do you think of this house?” Not knowing that there was any catch to it, I simply said “What a lovely house, whose is it?”

‘Yours, if you’d like to go and live in England’ He replied.

‘Live in England? That will be a dream-come-true.’ I said ‘Where exactly is this, which part of England?’

‘It is one of the lovely towns in the country-side about two hours drive from London.’ He answered. ‘Ok, since you like the idea I will go and start making preparations for you and children to relocate there at least by next school year. I will pay the agent who got me this house the deposit before it is time for you to go.’ He added.

‘How about you, when are you joining us?’ I asked in alarm.

‘I will not be going there to live with you. I will only be visiting you regularly, at least once in three months. You see, I have to remain here to earn the money you’ll need to live in Europe.’ He explained, smugly.

‘And what happens to our marriage?’ I asked, totally shocked.

‘Our marriage will be fine. We will be talking to each other every day. And like I said I will be visiting you every three months, in addition to arranging for you to come home for the summer holidays every year.’ He answered.

‘Jafar, are you taking another wife?’ I asked directly.

‘No, I have no plans to marry. Why would you think so?’ he asked.

‘Because of the way you’ve thought everything out without saying a word to me. We have been together for 15 years, I would have thought that if we were moving from this house to the next street you will consult me for my opinion on the matter. Yet you never said a word to me when you decided to make such a major move like this? Why would you ever want to break our family apart unless you plan to bring another woman into your life?’I demanded.

‘Believe me if I want to marry another woman, I will not have to send you abroad to do so. Do you know how much it will cost me to move you there and then maintain you? This is a sacrifice I am making for our children because I want them to have a good education in a safe and developed environment, where everything works.’ He defended.

‘What if I told you that the children and I will all be a lot happier living with you here than living in a developed country far from you?’ I asked.

‘I’d say you are speaking for yourself because you have reservations about going. I am sure the children will not mind, in fact they will surely welcome this arrangement. So it’s better for you to be less selfish and put their needs first, ahead of yours.’ He argued.

‘Just look who is talking to me about putting the children first. Is it not you who wants to disappear from their lives? How do you expect them to feel when the man they used to see almost every day now becomes a once-in-three- months visitor? Do you think a child can cope easily with that?’ I challenged.

‘Yes, children adjust easily to change, it is we adults who find it hard to do so.’ he replied.

‘And how about you, how can you cope with living alone after 15 years of marriage? Do you think it will be easy to go back to bachelorhood and start fending for yourself when I have gone?’ I demanded.

‘Of course I can take care of myself. I am not a child. All I will need is a male cook, who will also clean the house regularly and do my laundry. Things may not be as great for me as when you are here but like I’ve said, it’s a sacrifice we have to make for these children.’ He said.

‘An unnecessary, needless sacrifice if you ask me. I can’t see a single reason to justify this relocation to Europe if you asked me. If you are unhappy with the children’s current schools I will go to any lengths inshAllah to find them the alternative you want. It doesn’t call for the dislocation of our family just to get them better educated. Unless there is something you aren’t saying, something like you no longer like the idea of living with me. Otherwise I can’t understand why you should want us to live apart, at a great financial cost to you too.’ I insisted.

‘I have nothing against you, I love being with you, I like everything about our marriage, but I want to take this step for the sake of our children. Is it too much to ask?’ he pleaded.

‘Yes it is, it is too much for you to ask me to leave my country and go to a foreign land to raise my children alone. How do you think I can cope, not just with morning and afternoon school runs but minding the house, doing the shopping, taking care of occasionally sick children, attending PTA’s and other school activities all alone? At least over here the fact that we have house helps brings relief. Over there you do everything yourself, then just when you need a husband to talk to or share your worries, you’ll realise that you have none there beside you. How do you expect me to be happy with this?’ I asked.

‘I see, why don’t you discuss this with your mother and sisters? Consult widely among friends and those whose opinions you respect and let us talk again by the weekend. I have given this decision a lot of thought it isn’t fair of me to expect a sudden answer from you. Let us talk again on Saturday.’ And with that he walked out of my room. When I consulted them, my mother said I should do what my husband wanted. My siblings are divided on it, with some agreeing with him and others with me. So I came in here to sample your view but met you praying. That’s why I sat down to wait. What should I do Hajia Bint, I am sure I cannot cope with kind of marriage by remote control.’ She lamented.

‘I agree with you it doesn’t sound like an easy thing at all. Is there no one you can get Jafar to listen to?’

To be contd.