Marriage by remote (II)

‘Ok that sounds reasonable enough but what would you say that you haven’t already said?’ I asked her. ‘Well that’s why I’m here with you Hajia Bint. We need to put heads together to come up with some really strong arguments to dissuade him. I know I don’t want to go and live alone, I […]

‘Ok that sounds reasonable enough but what would you say that you haven’t already said?’ I asked her.

‘Well that’s why I’m here with you Hajia Bint. We need to put heads together to come up with some really strong arguments to dissuade him. I know I don’t want to go and live alone, I can’t help feeling that my marriage will be in danger somehow, but more importantly I don’t think I can cope alone. I have always had him around to help with the children. He’s been there for us at every stage of their lives, now suddenly, when they are old enough to value him more, he wants to disappear. It just doesn’t make sense. But worse is how he believes he’s doing it for their own good.’ She concluded.

‘I think the point you just made is a very strong one indeed. You can’t cope alone because you are used to enjoying his love and support. The children are old enough to value his company so he should not disappear from their lives at this very critical moment. There is divine wisdom in making men and women the two forces that come together to make a family. Though certain reasons can force a woman into single parenthood, such as divorce or widowhood, neither is ideal, they are just circumstances beyond a person’s control. So try to make this point clearly that his children need his fatherly influence and you can’t provide that.’ I urged.

‘Additionally, I can say to him that there are too many negative influences in Europe, the environment is too materialistic and sophisticated for them to cope without enough parental guidance and supervision. I can’t be everywhere at once so I need him there as well. And if he can’t be with us then let him allow us to remain here with him. ‘ Maimuna emphasised.

‘Yes, and the point you made about him returning to bachelorhood if he sends you away is also very valid. How does he hope to manage without female companionship, for months on end, when he has had you at his beck and call for 15 years? Unless he plans to open himself up to temptation, I can’t see how he can manage. Someone did say never trust a husband too far nor a bachelor too near. If like he claimed he has no plans to marry another woman then he is seriously courting temptation by sending you so far away. Stress the fact that he can’t afford to make himself a sinner just when he should be moving closer to his Lord and be aiming to be the perfect role-model for his children.’ I said.

‘Yes, Hajia Bint, this point is a very good one. While we women can easily slip into celibacy, especially when the demands from children overwhelm us, abstinence is not a virtue known to men. And then there is the issue of his Mum who always insists on having the children with her every weekend. Who will he be taking to her every Saturday if he packs and sends us abroad? I think all this will make him think twice about the good life/ better education he wants to use as excuse to break our family.’ She observed, triumphantly.

‘Well, returning to what is ostensibly his reason for sending you to England, the education of your children. Why don’t you advice him to get like-minded friends and relatives to come together and set up world-class schools for the education of their children? By the time he gets at least ten people like him who can afford to relocate their families abroad in pursuit of better education, you can be sure he’s got enough people to invest in that kind of school. They can proceed from there.’ I advised.

‘But where will he get people with a crazy idea like that? It takes men like Jafar to nurse a hare-brained plan that will involve breaking up their family to achieve certain ends.’ Maimuna noted, sadly.

‘No, you are wrong to think so. There are many men out there doing the exact same think your husband plans to do with you people and for the same reason too. I know at least four families in exactly the same situation, mother and children abroad and the father back here in Naija. So don’t be too hard on Jafar. He probably knows one or two such people and thinks what they did is admirable. Didn’t you notice I wasn’t at all shocked when you told me about your case? The only difference is, in two of the cases I know the husband has another wife, so he sent the first wife and her brood abroad and gets taken care of by his new/second wife. The other two are like you, only wives. I don’t know whether they resisted the arrangement like you are doing or they welcomed it and went gladly, but even as I speak to you now their husbands are living alone here while they are abroad playing both father and mother.’  I explained.

‘I had no idea there are others like him. No wonder he seemed so confident that he was doing the right thing. Such people must have convinced him. While not knowing what made those wives to agree to this arrangement, I still see no reason why I should go for it. So please Hajiya Bint let us fine-tune this idea of calling like-minded friends and urging them to set up the kind of schools they want. How do we make it so attractive as to convince Jafar and co. that it is the most viable alternative?’ Maimuna asked.

‘Well, first of all they should be convinced that it is a worthwhile venture which has the potential to be profitable. Of course there are schools already that can serve the purpose they want but since they still find these schools wanting in the kind of educational standards they seek, then let them come together and float that world-class school which can serve both their purpose as well as bring them dividends. As for their concern about exposing their children to developed environments and people, they can easily achieve that by arranging annual family holidays, in which they all get away together and enjoy themselves. These family holidays, for those who can afford them, are educational ventures in themselves. They expose children to different cultures and ways of life but under your watchful eyes and guidance. This way, if your child should find himself/herself in these places at a later date, he/she can easily know what to imbibe and what to avoid. So try and push these suggestions to your husband, with any luck he might agree to them and abandon the idea of sending you away alone.’ I encouraged.

‘Thank you so much Hajia Bint. I will try my best and pray as well. I hope he will eventually come to my way of thinking.’ And with that she rose from the chair, shook my hand and then walked away to her office.