Minister through the back door

Alhaji Gohe was sitting quietly in his chair, sipping kunu, his favourite food. Even when he eats rice, tuwo or pounded yam, Alhaji Gohe does not feel complete unless he tops it up with kunu. He gulped down the one in his mouth and then said, “Maikaho, what you said is true. If Alhaji becomes […]

Alhaji Gohe was sitting quietly in his chair, sipping kunu, his favourite food. Even when he eats rice, tuwo or pounded yam, Alhaji Gohe does not feel complete unless he tops it up with kunu. He gulped down the one in his mouth and then said, “Maikaho, what you said is true. If Alhaji becomes a minister, half of our problems are solved. However, the thing looks complicated as at now. It was our petitions to SSS and EFCC that made Goshin Bauna to fail security screening. But when he failed, the people in Abuja did not allow His Excellency to send a replacement. Another governor in our zone quickly lobbied and got his candidate in, so maybe there is no more chance for us in the cabinet.”
“There is chance, big one,” Tsinin Kusa said as he stood up from his chair. “More ministers are going to be sacked. Our minister from this state is going. Last week he sent a big lorry from Abuja with some things inside it. They covered the lorry very well with tarpaulin so that people could not see what was inside but people said it was his wives’ belongings. They are already packing because there is going to be cabinet reshuffle and the useless minister that he is, he knows that he will be kicked out.”
“Even if Minister Taure is kicked out, can Alhaji get it through His Excellency?” Alhaji Gohe resumed. “Goshin Bauna has already told him that we were the ones that sent the petitions that scuttled his security clearance. You heard what Goshin Bauna told Tsini when they met at the chairman’s house, that Alhaji will not become even a councilor in this state. And you know His Excellency listens to him seriously. If we want to get this ministerial slot then we have to try another route. Going through the governor is a waste of time.”
“That is true,” Maikaho said. “There is another way.” We all turned to him attentively. “Which other way?” we said in chorus. When Maikaho knows that people are eager to hear what he has to say, he introduces a lot of drama before he says it. He brought a kola nut out of his pocket, laboriously broke it into two, cleaned it with a handkerchief, then threw it into his mouth and chewed it. He again puffed at his cigarette before he said, “The same way that Alhaji Taure became a minister. He did not get it through His Excellency. Which kind! When the governor was wasting his time calling a caucus meeting to select a nominee, he heard that Taure had been invited for security screening. That’s what we should do!”
“So how did he do it?” we all asked. “Money,” Maikaho said shortly. “He used money. There are some people in Abuja that can arrange for that. They will calculate the amount of money you need. Once you give them the money, that’s all, you wait for security screening. They will clear the way at party secretariat, board of trustees, Aso Rock, SSS, EFCC, Police, Senate, House, everything. Once you pay, they know how to smuggle your name into the list of ministerial nominees. They said President himself does not know anybody. He will just see names and he will sign. Wham! You are inside.”
All my years in the civil service told me that this is not possible, but sometimes you will have to believe what these politicians are saying. This country is so up and down now that things that we used to think of as impossible are now happening. When I was in one ministry, somebody reported to my Perm Sec and said he had been appointed to head one parastatal. He brought a letter that had stamps all over it. The Perm Sec took him to his new office and he started working. Two months later another person came with another letter appointing him to the same position. Imagine the confusion.
Alhaji Gohe interrupted my train of thought and said, “There was this senator who said he is an expert in these things. Anything in politics that requires wuru wuru, he knows how to do it. Since you are the one who knows Abuja very well, you should go there and see him. He will tell you everything that needs to be done. Only that you should be very careful with him. Anywhere that he says money should be given, you must go together. His leg is here, your leg is here. Don’t let him go alone. Ato!”
This thing requires serious preparation and I was already making notes in my head how to go about it. Naira will not do in this program. How much naira can you carry when you go about visiting these people? Ghana Must Go bag is out of fashion these days. These days, people don’t want you to come to their house with Ghana Must Go. They say that their house boys will tip off armed robbers. And it is not even easy to put that money back in the bank these days because if you bring a lot of money, the bank will tell EFCC. So it is dollar and euro that are useful these days. Euro is even better than dollar because it has a 500 euro note, big like this. One contractor once brought such notes to my colleague the Director of Planning, and the bushman thought it was fake currency. He had never seen a 500 euro note before. That is the one I will assemble for this plan.