Ministry of Happiness

During my primary school days, studying the atlas was one of my hobbies and I used to be fascinated by a small strip of land sandwiched between Saudi Arabia and the Persian Gulf that was called Trucial States. In some atlases it was called Trucial Oman. This strip of desert, which later came to be […]

During my primary school days, studying the atlas was one of my hobbies and I used to be fascinated by a small strip of land sandwiched between Saudi Arabia and the Persian Gulf that was called Trucial States. In some atlases it was called Trucial Oman. This strip of desert, which later came to be known as United Arab Emirates, has come a long way in the last two decades and from the look of things it still has a happy future ahead of it. Last week, UAE’s Prime Minister Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum announced as part of a cabinet shake up that he appointed a Minister of State for Happiness. Al Maktoum, who doubles as the Emir of Dubai, said the Happiness Minister will “drive the policy to create social good and satisfaction.” Al-Maktoum also created a new Minister of State for Tolerance whose work is “to promote the virtue of tolerance as a fundamental value in UAE society.”
Speaking at the World Government Summit in Dubai on Monday last week Sheikh Al-Maktoum said, “Governments must be flexible. We don’t need more ministries but [we need] more ministers capable of dealing with change.” He also announced the creation of a UAE Youth National Council which he said will be led by a female Minister of State for Youth “no older than 22” because “the energy of youth will fuel our government in future.” Suddenly Youths Minister Solomon Dalung in his green khaki jacket and red beret did not look exotic anymore.
While growing up I have heard about several exotic ministries around the world. One of the first to fascinate me was the Ministry of Public Enlightenment and Propaganda in Nazi Germany. Its minister Dr. Joseph Goebbels was in charge of everything from culture to radio, films, theatre, arts, youths, mass rallies and mobilization and after 1934 he proceeded to carry out of a program of “Nazification” of all of them. In 1944 when the Second World War was going badly for Germany, Adolf Hitler elevated Goebbels from Propaganda Minister to Reich Plenipotentiary for Total War.
In the heydays of apartheid in South Africa, I lived in secret awe of Mr. Jimmy Kruger, the South African Minister of Justice, Police and Prisons. His portfolio reminded me of the place in Kaduna called “kwanar mutuwa” [corner of death] because a police station, magistrate’s court and prison stand on the same road junction. From that awesome post Jimmy Kruger serially dealt with our top heroine Winnie Mandela by constantly “banning” her, that is, banishing her to house arrest. Kruger’s portfolio was later renamed Minister of Law and Order, which was no less intimidating.
In terms of sheer doublespeak, of course no ministry ever captured the imagination like the four ministries in George Orwell’s satirical novel Nineteen Eighty Four. There was a Ministry of Peace, which was in charge of war; a Ministry of Love, in charge of repression; a Ministry of Truth, in charge of propaganda and a Ministry of Plenty, in charge of rationing essential commodities. Even though we heard stories in Nigeria of how First Republic Defence Minister Alhaji Mahmudu Ribadu simultaneously acted as Finance Minister and Prime Minister, that record paled in comparison to Japan’s World War Two leader General Tojo Hideki. As Prime Minister in 1941-44, Tojo also held the posts of Army Minister, Home Minister, Foreign Minister, Education Minister as well as Minister of Commerce and Industry. Suddenly Mr. Babatunde Raji Fashola’s three-in-one cabinet portfolio looks very small.
We grew up in Nigeria believing that the ministry in charge of the armed forces should be called Ministry of Defence. One day in the 1970s, I was leafing through an Egyptian booklet when I saw an article about the country’s Minister of War, Field Marshal Abdelhalim Abu Ghazala.  After I got over my initial shock, I chuckled and said to myself, “These Arabs sure like to call a spade a spade.” Why can’t we call a spade a spade here in Nigeria, for a change?
Right now, the 25 ministries of the Federal Government are doing many things that create unhappiness in Nigeria. Maybe they don’t know it but among the many things that create unhappiness is the continuous increase in fuel prices over the years; the embargo that government places on employment; keeping salaries and pensions static while prices shoot up like Apollo rockets; allowing a month to end without workers seeing bank alerts; allowing potholes to take over the roads, and allowing highway robbers, kidnappers, secret cultists, communal warriors and insurgents to establish a parallel authority in Nigeria. More recently, government is creating unhappiness by squeezing every kobo it can out of our pockets; by banks removing N65 for every transaction and by reviving a stamp duty that we long forgot about.
I know President Muhammadu Buhari wants us to be happy so he should please, as part of amending the many potholes in his 2016 budget, create a UAE-style Ministry of Happiness. In the olden days here when the Government Printer used to gazette every action of government, a newly created ministry must have its schedule of duties gazetted. Many Nigerians will advise that the only function of this ministry should be to distribute money because that is what makes for happiness. 
But wait a minute. I once stumbled upon an article about the relationship between money and happiness. The author, a World Bank consultant who had been to many parts of the world, recalled his visit to the slums of Kinshasa in DR Congo. It was one of the worst slums in the world, he said, with no light, no running water and no proper buildings and with people living on top of sewers together with pigs and rats. Yet, he said, as he walked down its rough alleys, he heard a burst of laughter every now and then coming from the shanties. In contrast, he said he walked down the streets of Manhattan. He said even though half of the people there are millionaires he hardly saw anyone smiling, let alone laughing. They are all full of worries that the stock market is tumbling, the taxman is coming, medical bills are high and they may not make it to their choice holiday destination this year.
If a Ministry of Happiness is created here, instead of sharing out money, I think it should concentrate on two areas that tend to make Nigerians very happy, namely sports and romance. Right now the Sports Ministry is contributing to our unhappiness as one national team after another crashes out of international tournaments. The new Happiness Ministry would achieve success if it concentrates on romantic relationships. It should ensure that no lover is jilted in Nigeria. Any girl or boy that promises to marry anyone should be made to deliver on the promise. Any girl that promises a boy that she would go with him for a walk should be made to do so and any boy that promises a girl that he will recharge her phone with credit should be made to do so. You cannot believe what a happy place Nigeria will become with a few initiatives like that.